
Class. 
Book. 



CopyriglitlJ? 

COPYRIGHT DEPOSm 



Golightly 
'Roundn^eGlobe 






G. L. MORRILL 



GOLIGHTLY 
ROUND THE GLOBE 



BY 

"GOLIGHTLY" 

G. L. MORRILL 

Pastor of 

People's Church, Minneapolis, Minn., U. S. A, 



Sketches and Photos by 
LOWELL L. MORRILL 



M. A. DONOHUE & CO. 
CHICAGO 



Gr 44 



Copyright, 1913, by 
G. L. MOEEILL 



FEB I!i9i4 



©CU.'i61980 




G. L. MORRILL 



A TIP TO THE READER. 



"Golightly 'Round the Globe" is a racy account of 
some globe-trotters from start to finish. If you are 
looking for geography, history and guide-book informa= 
tion, you are on the wrong track. Go to the book-stalls 
for it. 




Author op 
TRACKS OF A TENDERFOOT" 
"PARSON'S PILGRIMAGE" 
"A MUSICAL MINISTER" 
''DRIFTWOOD" 
''MUSINGS" 

"THE MORALIST" 

"PEOPLE'S PULPIT" 

"FIRESIDE FANCIES" 
"EASTER ECHOES" 
"UPPER-CUTS" 




Dedicated to my wife, Ada B. Morrill, my test travel- 
ing companion, in spite of the proverb that to take your 
wife to the Orient is like carrying a samdwich to a ban- 
quet. 



CONTENTS 



PAGE 

Westward 1 

A Prize Fight 2 

'Frisco 3 

The Start 4 

Noah 's Ark 6 

Waiters 7 

The Unpacific 8 

An Earthly Paradise 9 

Eag Dances 13 

Aloha 14 

Ananias Club 15 

Ship-Bored 16 

A Hot Pace 19 

My Jap Alphabet 20 

Yokohama 21 

Doll's Festival 24 

A Tale of Two Countries. . 25 

Japan 's China 28 

Shopping-Fever 29 

A Giant God 30 

Sleepy Eeligion 31 

Lucky Enoshima 32 

Tokio 33 

Missions 34 

Education 35 

Geisha Girls 38 

Yoshiwara 39 

Mikado's Bell 40 

Nikko 42 

Three Monkeys 44 

Nara 45 

A Night in Osaka 47 

Temple Town Kyoto 48 

Altogether Baths 53 

Mistakes of a Night 55 

Kobe 58 

Inland Sea 59 

Nagasaki Silhouettes 60 



PAGE 

Kite Flying 62 

High Lights 62 

Mogi 64 

The Japanese 65 

Jap-Baiters 66 

A Canton Nightmare 67 

' ' Saving Face " 75 

Macao 's Joints 76 

Making Opium 77 

A Joss House 78 

Firecrackers 79 

A Persecuted Poet 80 

Hospitality 81 

Hong Kong 82 

Lost 84 

John Chinaman 86 

Manila Friends 88 

In Jail 91 

Col. Nutty 93 

Table Manners 94 

Crossing the Equator 94 

Java 95 

Bandong 97 

Take a Chew 101 

Singapore Sights 102 

The Sack of Johore 104 

A Moonlight Excursion. . .105 

Pagan Pegu 106 

Shwe Dagon 109 

Eangoon Life Ill 

Calcutta 114 

Burning Ghats 115 

Around Town 116 

MDar jeeling 118 

Tiger Hill 122 

The Golden Palace 123 

Ceylon 124 

Beastly Benares 125 



CONTENTS 



PAGE 

Superstitions 130 

On the Ganges 132 

Brave Lucknow 13'3 

Cawnpore Cruelty 135 

Doing Delhi 137 

My Native Bath 139 

Jaipur Up to Date 141 

A Deserted Village 143 

All About Agra 145 

The Taj 148 

Bombay 149 

Fireworshippers 150 

Impressions 152 

Carnal Caves 153 

Captain Cupid 155 

Eed Sea 156 

Egypt Again 157 

A True Love Story 160 

A Tough Town 161 

The Ball 162 

Old Landmarks 163 



PAGE 

Naughty Naples 164 

A Eoman Banquet 165 

Florence Flirtations 167 

A Peep at Pisa 168 

Camera Curse 169 

The Carnival of Venice... 172 

''The Last Supper" 173 

Swiss Cities 174 

"Made in Germany" 177 

Inquisition Memories 178 

Old Heidelberg 179 

Goethe's Home 181 

A Eide on the Ehine 182 

Noisome Cologne 184 

Hamburg 185 

The Tipping Habit 186 

Homeward Bound 188 

The Land of Promise 189 

Haps and Mishaps 190 

Travel and Its Benefits 192 



Golightly *Round the Globe 

WESTWARD 

Tired of sad funerals and mad weddings ; sick of bad 
men and fad women; surfeited with sermons and 
speeches, I wanted to get off the earth into the middle 
of the sea. One January morning found me at the 
depot with muffs on my ears and bags in my hand ready 
to put a girdle round the globe, and do it in four months 
instead of Puck's ''forty minutes." 

Bunyan's Pilgrim met the tight-wad, Mr. Money-Love, 
but at Kansas City I fell in with ' ' Col. ' ' Goodrich, who, 
when he learned of the tour I was making, said: "Here's 
a hundred I forgot to send you last Christmas. See the 
canyon for me." It was an oasis in the desert — and 
through the two ciphers of his gift I was able to see the 
biggest and brightest of God's masterpieces on the easel 
of nature, the Grand Canyon of the Arizona. What a 
chasm of color — it was like riding through a rainbow. 
My mount was a big "Teddy" mule, who had carried 
my friend T. K. some time before. When we started 
down the steep, icy trail his hind feet slipped and he 
gave my body and soul an awful jolt; later he gazed 
over the cliff and into space as if wondering whether he 
had not better throw me off and make for the log stable 

1 



2 GOLIGHTLY 'BOUND THE GLOBE 

miles distant, where he was to get his noonday feed. On 
we went to the Colorado river, where all lunched. Here 
is room where the Creator could judge the Universe. 
Poet and painter cannot describe its glory — only the 
advertising agent can do it justice. 

That was a marvelous impression of mystery and 
might, and I was foolish enough to miss a supper for a 
sunset in what our train-porter called the ** Titan of 
schasms. ' ' 

Westward Ho, over hill and plain whose century-sleep 
is broken by the roar of the train, we rushed on to Cali- 
fornia where sun, sand and flowers are gold. 

A PRIZE FIGHT 

"We stopped over at Los Angeles, where I was enter- 
tained by my actor friend, Dick Ferris. He and aviator 
Beachey were going to a prize fight, and since I was a 
minister they asked me to go along. If St. Paul attended 
the Marathon races and fights and used the contests for 
Christian symbolism, surely a Minneapolis preacher 
might follow his example. So I jumped into an auto, 
Dick drove like Jehu, which made Beachey say his spirals 
were tame compared with Dick's curves, and reached the 
arena. 

Here I found a big, good-natured crowd. The sun and 
fresh air came in through the open roof, and we had a 
ringside seat. Soon the referee, fighters and their 
attendants came in. 

From what I had heard of prize-fighting I imagined 
it to be the bloodiest and most brutal sport of all, but it 



GOLIGHTLY 'BOUND THE GLOBE 3 

was a calisthenie exercise in a Y. M. C. A. hall compared 
to Spanish bull fights, where I had seen bulls and horses 
MUed and matadors have narrow escapes ; and to our own 
gridiron football games, where the object was to kill the 
player instead of kicking the ball. 

The fistic affair was brawny, brainy and not brutal, 
and as I looked on I wished every minister could do the 
same in self-defense, during the week if necessary, and 
on Sunday in the pulpit give the Devil an uppercut and 
inockout blow. 

'FRISCO 

From the city of "Angels," through a Paradise of 
fruit and flowers, between hill and sea, we came to San 
Francisco, the Paradise Lost to much its patron saint 
had taught it. 

But we admired the enterprise of the city which had 
Tisen Phcenix-like from its ashes, saw the beauty spots 
l)y day, and were officially conducted to plague-spots by 
night, which the city fathers not only permit but seem 
to be proud of. 

Next day after these unsightly ''sights," and anxious 
to see some art, we asked a policeman to direct us to a 
gallery. He threw up his hands and with a curious smile 
said: ''You've got me; nobody ever asked me that ques- 
tion before." Then we tried a drug store, where they 
sold paint, and the clerk said the galleries were destroyed 
except at the Golden Gate, but if we went to Gumps he 
would show us some nice pictures and fine curios from 
China and Japan. 

So we three chumps went to Gumps. An affable little 



4 GOLIGHTLY 'EOUND THE GLOBE 

man showed us around, and when he found I knew Mr. 
Walker and Bradstreet of Minneapolis he had visions 
of selling me jades, vases and other rare junk for my 
art gallery and asked for my autograph. While writ- 
ing I said I had a letter from Bradstreet, whereat Mr. 
Gump himself appeared on the scene and said : ' ' Brad- 
street 's rating is not necessary; we will take you at your 
own." You see there are Bradstreets and Bradstreets. 
So we all laughed at the mistake, and he proved himself 
to be a good fellow by inviting us to his Chinese room, 
where he seated us at a table and showed us the wonder- 
ful glazed Apple Vase. It was the apple of my eye. I 
wonder that China ever let it go, 

THE START 

What a difference between the primitive dug-out, raft 
or sailing vessel, such as Columbus or Magellan had, and 
the Hamburg- American steamship "Cleveland," which 
tugged at her ropes by the dock impatient to repeat her 
twice round trips from Golden Gate to Hell Gate. 

Dr. Johnson felt "being in a ship was being in jail, 
with a chance of being drowned, ' ' but he never saw the 
"Cleveland," staunch and steady, ready to dare the deep 
and wrestle wind and wave. 

She had on a new traveling coat of fresh paint, was 
decorated with flags and pennants of all nations, and 
five hundred and fifty admirers were leaving their happy 
homes to journey with her around the world. 

She was to be our home, with no place like it, and so 
attractive that when we left it on a foreign shore we were 



GOLIGHTLY 'EOUND THE GLOBE 5 

glad to get back to it. It was a place to eat, drink and 
sleep, to read and rest, to listen to music and lectures, 
to dress and dance, to promenade and" flirt, make friends 
and enemies, just as if we were in a city flat or big hotel. 

We knew the steamer, for we had often seen its pic- 
ture, and were just as sure of the number of our state 
room, but to locate it in a boat two blocks long, sixty-five 
feet wide and nine stories high was about as easy as to 
find a needle in a haystack. However, a willing steward 
piloted the way, another fished out our trunks and put 
them under our bunks, after which we made a center- 
rush for the head steward to get sittings at the table, to 
the bath steward for salt water plunge, and to the deck 
steward for a good spot for our steamer chair. This 
seems very simple, but when half a thousand people are 
doing the same thing at once and each wants the best the 
result is a confusion of tongues, a loss of temper and 
some words that don't look good in English or German 
print. 

At last we came up on the deck, crowded with passen- 
gers and their friends, who between ''Good bye" and 
"God bless you" were offering candy and fruit, with sea- 
sick remedies, for fear their gifts would be thrown over- 
board. But now the loud whistle drowns the soft words 
of love, the call "all visitors ashore" separates hands 
and lips, the gang plank is lifted, the cables thrown off, 
the screws turn and we begin to bore our way into the 
Pacific. Hearts throb, eyes grow dim, the wharf crowd 
cheers, hats, canes and handkerchiefs wave, the German 
band tries to play something comforting — the 1915 
Panama Committee sail near us to get a moving picture 



6 GOLIGHTLY 'BOUND THE GLOBE 

and there is a wild scramble to be prominently in it. 
Then with fluttering flags and whistle salutes of ships 
that pass us we head across the bay for the Golden Gate 
to meet the Pacific, who immediately proceeds to give 
us a " swell ' ' time, so that many hurriedly retire to their 
cabins, feeling "My native land, good night." 

NOAH'S ARK 

The ship was a second Noah's Ark, for it carried all 
kinds of animals. Some came in two by two, others 
singly, but soon mashed and mated. 

There were many lions, who roared of money, society 
and honors. 

Some bears, sore-headed, who growled with jealousy. 

The hog family was well represented by diamonds, 
pimples and a desire to have the biggest and best of 
everything and everybody. 

There were occasional boars, who showed their tusks 
and grunted and rooted for foul stories and scenes. 

We had a herd of mules that kicked and asses that 
brayed at the ship, the cruise, the service, the meals — 
because they didn't get twice as much as they paid for. 

There were a few old cats spiteful and slanderous; 
wise old owls who knew it all when it came to travel, 
but blinked and stared and couldn't say much; some 
birds of passage that flew high ; doves of peace carrying 
olive branches between officers, passengers and Reise 
bureau ; lambs in the smoking room that were frequently 
fleeced; sheep on deck that went astray on shore; wild 
goats ; dogs that snarled if you happened to sit in their 



GOLIGHTLT 'EOUND THE GLOBE 7 

misplaced chair; butterflies, pretty and painted, flitting 
all over the boat with foolish youths in pursuit; some 
wolves who prowled and preyed at night ; serpents that 
hissed gossip with venomous tongues; stinging gnats 
and wasps; lazy hookworms; spiders spinning nets to 
catch the unwary ; croaking ravens ; chattering magpies ; 
repeating parrots and geese that cackled; old hens, 
roosters and birds of fine feathers, and many other ani- 
mals I cannot mention for fear they may resent their 
comparison with mankind and sue or pursue me for 
criminal libel. 

England quarantines for a month all animals that 
are brought from abroad, but this was a German ship, 
and all this collection was to be let loose on shore. 

WAITERS 

At the table I occasionally had wild boar before me 
and always a tame bore beside me. Three times a day 
the most important man on the ship is your waiter. 
Beginning at 'Frisco I had a little bald-headed German 
to whom I gave my order in the tongue of the Father- 
land, mixed with a little English, and used my finger 
as a pointer on the menu card. The result was surpris- 
ing. Months later I decided first impressions were last- 
ing, for whether I ordered or not, ''Baldy" always 
brought — morning, noon and night — some more of the 
same. 

The motto of the Black Prince, ' ' Ich dien, ' ' was highly 
honorable, but to most of our servants very onerous. The 
trip was long, the work laborious, the passengers 



8 GOLIGHTLY 'BOUND THE GLOBE 

"fussy," the waiters slept when and where they could. 
During the heated days, when we had all we could do to 
exist, they had to sweat and smile, and their only pastime 
was to swear at and swat each other. My place at the 
table gave me a good view, while waiting for my meal, of 
some of their boxing bouts in the corridor, when they 
juggled plates or used their contents for facial and shirt 
front decorations. This was the only labor strike that 
occurred so far as I know, and even then they were as 
Peace Convention delegates compared with the Zulu dis- 
position we would have shown in their place. 

THE UN-PACIFIC 

It was on the Pacific that I was initiated in the club 
of high rollers. We had an officer's room and it seemed 
so homelike to sit at a desk with a drop light that I tilted 
back in my chair, when that peaceful ocean caught me 
off guard and set me bowling down the long stateroom, 
measuring my length three times and landing me head- 
first under the sofa with my heels in the air. When I 
got up I asked my wife why she didn't catch me, and 
she replied she might as well try to catch a whale with 
a bent-pin hook. 

Life on the ocean wave is beautiful to painter and poet, 
from the shore, and there are times on shipboard when 
we appreciate the glory of rising or setting sun, the 
splendor of cloud, moon and star, the blue mountain 
waves and yeasty foam, and diapason of the deep, but, 
alas, all this is lost when you lurch, unlunch, turn green 
with envy toward those at home, wonder why you spent 



GOLIGHTLY 'BOUND THE GLOBE 9 

SO much good money for sucli a bad time, and recalling 
the Bible, ' ' The sea is His and He made it, ' ' irreverently 
say, "Well, He can have it; the dry land is good enough 
for me. ' ' Yet, old ocean, with all thy faults, I love thee 
■ — still. 

HAWAII 

AN EARTHLY PARADISE 

Hawaii is a paradise where the only poisonous plant is 
the sugar trust and the only beast of prey is man. 

They say there are no snakes here, but there must have 
been many and poisonous, considering the number of 
whiskey antidotes taken. 

Boats came out to meet us, loaded with natives, who 
boarded us and made us prisoners with ' ' chains of flow- 
ers." Instead of hostile war cries we had the hospitable 
"Aloha," reached the wharf, were shoved into an auto 
and whisked to the Pali peak and precipice, over which 
King Kamehameha drove his enemies into the rock- 
girt sea like the devil-swine of Gadara. We were not 
thrown over, but were overcome by the beauty of the 
scene. 

The bright flowers and gardens of Nuana Avenue 
looked as if Aurora had eaught her skirts on them en 
route to the sky. On the lava rim of the Punch Bowl 
we drank in the intoxicating scenery of the bay, Waikiki 
beach. Diamond Head and the progressive American 
city with Jap and Chinese huts. After this we sobered 
down in the Congregational Church, whose missionaries 
long ago taught the men to put away idols and the 



10 GOLIGHTLY 'BOUND THE GLOBE 

women to put on a holoku, invented by Mother Hubbard^ 
who set the example of wearing something even though 
her cupboard was bare. 

Once in time, if never in eternity, I was not only near 
but on the throne — if seeing my picture is believing. 
"Calico" was king here as Cotton is king down in 
Dixie — and in the Bishop Museum we saw his $150,000 
coat, made of feathers robbed from the rare Manna bird, 
just as other kings wear velvets and jewels for which 
the Common People are forced to pay. 

We had as sweet a time as bees in clover when we 
drove through sugar farms, banana and pineapple plan- 
tations, and drank the juice which cheers and not in- 
ebriates ; passed by native huts in a modern Eden where 
children appeared in figleaf fashion ; went to the Aqua- 
rium with the strangest shaped, oddest striped and 
brightest colored fish in all the globe. Their fins furrow 
and flash until you think you have taken some of De 
Quincey's opium, or are with Alice in "Wonderland. 
Here was a short, stout and sweet-souled mother, as 
affectionate as any colored mammy in the South, pointing 
out the fishes to her little boy "Kalu," and telling him 
to be good or the Devil-fish would get him, and he would 
go to jail and wear black stripes like that big fish swim- 
ming over yonder. 

It would be Hamlet with the Prince left out to leave 
Honolulu without a visit to Waikiki beach. Like tur- 
tles on the sand or porpoises in the waves, the tourists 
were sporting or disporting themselves. But the climax 
thrill was to get in an out-rigger boat manned by giant, 
swarthy *'Buek," the prize surf -rider and swimmer of 



GOLIGHTLY 'BOUND THE GLOBE H 

the islands, who paddled us way out to a mountain 
wave down whose foaming side we tobogganed till spilled 
off on the sandy shore. Here modest old and immodest 
young ladies criticized or admired Brooks' Apollo form 
and my fit of clothes, as we did their clinging, dia- 
phanous drapery. There were many exposures to sun, 
wind, wave and by treacherous bathing-suit, and un- 
timely time-exposures by the kodak which the Morals 
Commission has censored from this book. 

Of course, there was something good to eat, on an 
island discovered by a Captain Cook and named Sand- 
wich after his patron. So under the shade of one or 
more of the six different palm trees we sat down to 
mangoes, papayas, pineapples and sweet potatoes; ate 
fish and pork wrapped in leaves and baked on hot stones 
in the sand; drank water, coffee, and poi cocktail, a la 
Teddy, made of milk, chipped ice and several table- 
spoonfuls of poi, Poi is the native staff of life. It i& 
made from the root of the taro plant, pounded to a 
powder, mixed with water and allowed to ferment. 
When it is ready for the table you illustrate the prov- 
erb, that fingers were made before knives and forks, 
and jab your finger into the public dish like a naughty 
little boy stealing cream or preserves. It looks like a 
combination of wall-paper paste and oil-emulsion and 
tastes just about as bad, — the natives like it, but then 
there is no accounting for tastes. 

The apple in this Eden to tempt a Mother Eve would 
be a pineapple, large, fragrant, luscious, combining 
both food and drink. Next to the volcanoes it is the 
biggest thing in the islands. "We not only saw it cul- 



12 GOLIGHTLY 'BOUND THE GLOBE 

tivated, but went to the factory where it is canned and 
bottled for the world. Jove would have given a barrel 
of Olympian nectar for a bottle of pineapple juice such 
as we absorbed. Having filled our stomachs, the man- 
ager loaded our pockets with the bottled goods, which, 
in later days of storm and heat, with sleep, was to be 
our *' chief nourisher in Life's feast." 

A big dictionary isn't necessary for this country, its 
religion, art and science are so simple. All they ever 
needed was a few adjectives that would describe their 
flowers, sweethearts and surroundings, and so I cannot 
help but think that one of their visiting ancestors came 
to this island and could only express his intoxicated 
delight by saying, ''0!" "Ah!" "Oou!" so often 
that it has been called Oahu ever since. 

Time and Christianity have brought changes. The 
real hula-hula is now tabu ; the women wear holokus 
which cover everything and fit nothing, like some of 
the theories which are advanced for their mental and 
moral improvement; the men wear a cotton shirt and 
jean pants in place of a smile and a suit of tan; no 
longer does the native priest strip himself, look into a 
bowl of water where float a hair or finger-nail of the 
victim, and "pray him to death," — that is left to the 
Christian minister, who, in his "long prayer" Sunday 
morning, prays his people to his twin-brother sleep, 
if not to death. 

Hawaii's Kapiolani would be a suffragette martyr were 
she living today. She is in the class of Vashti and 
Joan of Arc, who dared and did what no man could or 
would. I have stood on Mt. Carmel, where Elijah 



GOLIGHTLT 'EOUND THE GLOBE 13 

mocked the priests of Baal, and since that far away time 
and place I know of nothing sublimer than her Chris- 
tian courage at Kilauea when she defied the wrath of 
the fire-goddess Pele, and in the name of Jesus Christ 
plucked the forbidden berries from the sacred tree and 
flung them into the burning crater. 

RAG DANCES 

The natives are fine entertainers. 

At the reception ball on the roof of the hotel, there 
was a dance and the Hawaiians not only played, but 
sang an accompaniment suggesting our darkies in Dixie. 

"We heard them recite, give their history-lesson in song, 
play the ukelele and at a theatre saw a censured hula- 
hula dance, but it was so denatured that in spite of the 
government's prohibition, some of the tourists went out 
of town where they saw the real thing. 

I have seen the dances of the Old World and the 
Orient, the contortions of Egypt, the suggestion of 
Naples, the excitement of the *' hula-hula, " the un- 
spiritual dance in Indian temples, but they are all 
tame, modest and decent compared with some recent 
"rags" where the G string of modesty is all that is 
left of Virtue's robe. 

The Devil would blush at and hesitate to introduce 
into hell the erotic and suggestive rag of today. 

Children are post-graduates in rag-time tunes and 
dances before they can sing a hymn or repeat the Lord's 
prayer. 

The "Turkey" has trotted over the Ten Command- 



14 GOLIGHTLY 'EOUND THE GLOBE 

ments and the "Grizzly Bear" has hugged the life out 
of Gospel ideals. 

The animal world is libeled. Mr. Bear and Mrs. 
Turkey were never guilty of such antics, and must look 
with surprise and shame at the dances which bear their 
name. 

The dance has degenerated from devotion and diver- 
sion to dissipation and debauchery. 

* ' On with the Dance, ' ' though the waist be dislocated, 
the floor mopped and the partner half-pulled out of 
clothes. 

The "Turkey Trot" ought to be relegated to the barn- 
yard, the "Bunny Hug" to the alfalfa patch, the 
"Crab Crawl" under the waves and the "Grizzly 
Bear" to the tall timbers. 

The dancing whirlpool of society is drawing into its 
drowning depths many of the best craft that sail life's 
sea. 

Holbein's "Dance of Death" should be painted over 
many dance halls and parlors. 

Life is a masquerade ball and the time comes when 
we throw off our disguises. Lights grow dim, music 
moans, flowers fade, speech gives way to sighs, the scarf 
is exchanged for a shroud, and the painted musk-scented 
skeletons in the dance of death glide into the grave. 

"ALOHA" 

Happy Hawaii! Our nation's fairest island posses- 
sion. Glorious our flag which floats in its skies! 
At the home of our hostess, Mrs. Emmans, we heard 



GOLIGHTLY 'BOUND THE GLOBE I5, 

the natives sing and play their dreamy airs and sere- 
nades, but that night beneath the moonlit palms and 
lulled by the moaning surf, our dreams were roused by a 
"Thomas" concert that murdered sleep. Our friend 
Merlin proved to be a disenchanter, for his six-shooter's 
loud applause, insteading of securing an encore, broke 
up the symphony. 

It almost seems unnecessary to die to go to heaven, 
for this American possession, with its hospitality, music, 
climate, flowers, sea and friendship are a paradise on 
earth. 

The government has advertised Lanai, one of the 
islands, for sale. Here is a kind of Purgatory chance 
for those who have missed paradise, while for those 
unfit for either there remains Halemaumau, ' ' The House 
of Everlasting Fire." 

The Sandwich Islands were the best thing on the 
Reise-bureau 's bill of fare. I can never forget Hawaii — 
the Lotus isles of love and laziness. Again I see the 
smile of the Pacific and frown of far-off volcanoes ; hear 
the Kanaka welcome "Aloha;" am lassoed with fra- 
grant leis ; listen to dreamy music and ghostly legends ; 
wander along the moonlit shore and under tropic trees ; 
eat poi, pig and papayas and watch the dusky damsels 
in their happy hula-hula dance. 

ANANIAS CLUB 

The Ananias Club, called the Travelers' Club, met 
shortly after leaving Honolulu and its chief object then, 
as all through the voyage, was to make Munchausen and 



16 GOLIGHTLY 'BOUND THE GLOBE 

Gulliver look like thirty-cent pikers. We were allowed 
three minutes in which to give our impression of a 
recent visit. If anybody was original and interesting 
he was punctually rung down; however, there was a 
special dispensation extended to any one who was un- 
usually dull, or had cribbed a lot of dry statistics from 
guide-book and folder, or as Sir Oracles unrolled a long 
paper short of ideas, and tried to make it plain that they 
had a better brand of politics and religion than the 
natives were yet acquainted with. We usually left the 
club with a headache, feeling language was intended 
to conceal any possible thought they had. 

SHIP-BORED 

I knew an old Kentucky colonel who went to Europe 
and said a lot of good land between New York and 
Liverpool had been wasted with Atlantic salt water 
when it might have been devoted to the raising of mint 
or tobacco, but what would have been his judgment of 
three thousand five hundred miles of salt water between 
Honolulu and Yokohama. 

Neptune must have spied some Jonah on our boat, 
for we had a stormy time all the way across because 
there was no providential whale-back into which he 
could be unloaded. 

Between sea-sick seconds some tried to improve the 
time and others to kill it, but it soon happened there 
was no time to do either because as we crossed the 
180th meridian we lost a whole day and it took a few 
days more to explain how it happened. 



GOLIGHTLY 'BOUND THE GLOBE 17 

Our watches were put back, like Capt. Cuttle's, half 
an hour every morning and about another quarter to- 
wards the afternoon and so often that they were 
' ' ekalled by few and excelled by none. ' ' 

We "rounders" had one continual round of pleas- 
ure 'round the world. Our motto on the boat was "eat, 
drink and be merry, for tomorrow you may be sea- 
sick." 

Here's a sample page of a daily diary: 

"Bugled out of bed; sneak half -robed through the 
corridor; take a good salt plunge, called "Bad;" dress 
and shave, if you can; constitutional walk; breakfast; 
listen to the waiter band; have some broth and biscuit; 
read about what you didn't see at the last place and 
what you don't want to see at the next; boat whistle, 
wild scramble for luncheon; quiet snooze below, or hur- 
ricane sun-bath; orchestra concert in the salon, where 
the splendidly executed program is appreciated by 
people who read, rustle leaves, fumble pictures, munch 
crackers, sip tea, chatter, play cards or bridge and then 
applaud, not knowing whether the selection was from 
Chopin or Cohan ; gyrate in the gymnasium ; broil and 
blacken in sun and soot playing ring toss and shuffle-board 
innocent kindergarten games; color meerschaum 
and nose with tobacco, and booze in the smoker with its 
joker and red-hot poker; on deck stare the setting sun 
out of countenance ; blow, bugle, blow, sets wild tourists 
flying to dress for dinner; agony in full-dress and full 
stomach; promenade all in dress and undress, like so 
many animated models from fashionable window-fronts ; 



18 GOLIGHTLY 'BOUND THE GLOBE 

high-brows go to the lecture in the A dining room ; low- 
brows to grill to gormandize, guzzle and gloat; no- 
brows to the hurricane deck to stare at the sky until 
moon-struck they sacrifice head for heart and hand, 
and the tired captain from his room underneath sends 
up word ''all hands below." 

Lest we should forget God, home and native land, 
and that the God of our Fathers might be with us yet, 
pious services were held every Sunday morning and 
evening and patriotic ones on the occasion of Lincoln's 
and Washington's birthday. The former were conducted 
by Dr. Geo. A. Hough, who directed us to the heavenly 
land where his soul dropped anchor before our ship 
reached New York. Christian, sympathetic, humble and 
helpful, he was the loved and trusted favorite of all 
on shipboard; when we learned of his death, water 
Salter than the sea splashed into our eyes. 

February 12th and 22nd were not lost from our cal- 
endar. Busts of the Savior and Father of our country 
were draped with American flags, there were big ban- 
quets in their honor, after which souvenirs were dis- 
tributed and we adjourned to the salon cabin for a 
special patriotic program of music and speeches, to 
be followed by a dance on the upper deck, which with 
bunting, lights and flags, offered such strong competition 
that many did not attend exercises, and others begrudged 
the time assigned me on both occasions. Of course, we 
Americans had boasted of our country and applauded 
our flag, but when it came to a showdown in a public 
meeting there were more enthusiastic foreigners pres- 
ent to laud the name of Lincoln and "Washington. 



GOLIGHTLT 'EOUND THE GLOBE 19 

A HOT PACE 

Some female passengers thought it was a slow voyage, 
but I doubt whether any ship could keep up with the 
pace they set. 

Today Aspasia of Athens, Poppea of the Roman court 
and Pompadour of the time of Louis XV. are outdone 
by many society mothers and daughters. 

The fabled ''hell-rag" is fair and attractive com- 
pared with the mere society woman prematurely old, 
powdered and painted, with empty mind, withered heart 
and diseased body hurrying to the grave where she be- 
comes a poor banquet for a healthy worm. 

Her funeral has many flowers and carriages but few 
mourners. 

Society women often have a large monument but it 
takes few words to describe their virtues. 

Their epitaphs should read, ''Here lies a suicide." 
"Died before her time." "A victim of Social Dissipa- 
tion." 

They have more time and inclination than other women 
to live fast, be fast, and go to the grave and hell fast. 

In autos, with gravestones for milestones, they rush 
by laws of God and man to roadhouse and club de- 
bauch. 

In dress, Fashion's hand restrains their life's func- 
tions, makes nude and invites to pneumonia and hobbles 
feet in French fashion that stumble all through life. 

Godless rich women often have foul, fatal diseases 
which were never heard of by their Christian poor 
sisters. 



20 GOLIGHTLY 'EOUND THE GLOBE 

Cigarettes redden their eyes, late suppers dig their 
early graves, the dance drags down in the maelstrom 
of shattered nerves, games for money unhealthfully 
stimulate the heart, bad books, pictures and plays scale 
with moral leprosy, while Death blows fascinating bub' 
bles from his champagne glass. 

Many society women not only kill themselves but in 
respect to prenatal murder outherod Herod in their 
slaughter of the innocents. 

"Who can find a virtuous woman? For her prize 
is far above rubies." 

So we birds of passage flew across the Pacific, To 
some it was an emetic, to others a sedative, some thought 
it beautiful, others a bore, but she didn't care a ripple 
whether we loved or hated her, she had been there 
before we came and would stay long after we had gone. 
So we bade goodbye to her smile and her frown, her 
melody and her moan, packed our grips, devoured Mur- 
ray on Japan, visited the boat money-changers, who 
gave us sens and yens for our bright gold tens, and were 
rocked to sleep in the Japanese cradle of the deep to 
dream of the wonderful things we were to buy so cheap, 
but which afterwards, alas, proved to Memory so dear. 

MY JAP ALPHABET 

Japan, the country, is a pretty story-book, and Na- 
ture's alphabet is easily understood in sky, sea, bird, 
tree and flower, but when you come to the people and 
their language, that's a very different and difficult 
matter. 



GOLIGHTLY 'BOUND THE GLOBE £1 

I learned a few words and phrases necessary for 
travel, the guide, my ricksha boys and hotel, but that 
was all. Japanese sounds nice, is easy to pronounce 
and hard to read because the old language has been 
weighted down with several thousand Chinese charac- 
ters which you must first learn by heart and sight. 

I invented an alphabet of my own, or rather took my 
own alphabet, making each letter stand for a word. 
Now I have twenty-six ideas of Japan which the reader 
may fill out to a volume if he wishes. I gave them to 
the travelers' club as we left Japan, and here they are 
for you. 



A 


Art 


N 


Nikko 


B 


Babies 





Orchestras 


C 


Cryptomeria 


P 


Politeness 


D 


Dirt 


Q 


Quaintness 


E 


Enterprise 


R 


Rain 


F 


Fuji-yama 


S 


Smells 


6 


Geishas 


T 


Temples 


H 


Homes 


U 


Utility 


I 


Imitation 


V 


Variety 


J 


Jinrickshaws 


W 


Work 


K 


Kindness 


X 


'Xcentricities 


L 


Landscape 


Y 


Yoshiwara 


M 


Missions 


Z 


Zeal 




YOKOHAMA 



All Japan is divided into three parts to one who has 
never been there. The first is inhabited by the Geisha 
girls; the second cohabited by the Yoshiwara, and the 
third occupied by Fuji-yama, only this and nothing 



22 GOLIGHTLY 'BOUND THE GLOBE 

more. But when you arrive you find this and a lot 
more which you can't find anywhere else. 

When we waked in the harbor, that drizzly morning, 
the first thing I saw was a little junk, and after I left 
I had a lot of junk that would have been better in the 
harbor than in my trunk. On this dirty junk-boat, 
which the owner might have cleaned with his scrub- 
brush of bristling black hair as he paddled, sat a little 
boy warming his brown hands over an hibachi or fire 
pot. He looked up to us, said "Ohio" and held out a 
kind of tennis rack net to catch the oranges I threw, as 
well as the refuse food spouting out of the side of the 
vessel from the kitchen. As soon as we docked, the 
officials of the city came on board, and if our male 
tourists thought they were well-dressed they had "noth- 
ing on" the Japanese delegation with their Prince Al- 
berts, patent leather shoes and plug hats. They wel- 
comed us with kindest w^ords, pinned silver badges on 
us which were passports to courtesy and friendship 
everywhere in their island and a license to pay the 
highest possible price for everything we bought. Here 
and throughout the land the Japanese flag was inter- 
twined with Old Glory, making us feel we were at home^ 
among those who respected and loved us, even if some 
scare-headline editors and Jingo jack-out-of-the-box 
politicians were shrieking there was and could be no 
peace unless we cut each other in pieces. 

Like a wolf on the fold the Chinese tailors came 
down in our state rooms, before we could get ashore, 
and offered to make clothes and bargains which no one 
else could duplicate. "Big Tom" measured me for 



GOLIGHTLY 'BOUND THE GLOBE 23 

linen and pongee suits, which were ready to wear next 
day, though I waited till it grew warmer. They were 
stylish, well made, and, strange to say, very cheap. I 
wore my pongee when I got home with pride until some- 
one asked me where I got that linen suit. 

Japan is the land of babies, and I felt I must be in 
my second childhood when I got into a rubber-tired 
^' Birch" baby buggy, called a rickshaw and was pulled 
all over town by a muscular little man so much smaller 
than myself that the Humane Society should have 
pinched me for cruelty to animals. 

We were bounced along the bund ; between shops with 
curio devils on the one hand and the deep blue sea 
on the other; whisked along the bluff where foreigners 
live in style; glanced by gardens, glorious with wis- 
taria and plum blossoms and grotesque with pine trees 
dwarfed, deformed and wrinkled with a hundred years; 
stopped for refreshment at the Tea House of a Hun- 
dred Steps, where we swallowed cups of delicious tea 
and dainty ladyfingers pointed to Mississippi Bay where 
Perry entered with his fleet in 1864, opening the shut 
door so that American commerce and tourists have en- 
tered ever since; after which, like old Put at Stony 
Point, I went down some of the hundred steps all at 
once until picked up by the guide, who took me to a 
hotel. Then a ride on the outskirts of the city, where 
hundreds of happy children yelled ''Banzai," waving 
a flag in one hand and wiping their nose with the other ; 
across an open stretch until way beyond the rice-paddies 
we feasted our eyes a moment on the ice-cream cone of 
Puji-yama, which soon melted away ; again at sunset we 



24 GOLIGHTLY 'EOUND THE GLOBE 

saw it, gold and glowing like a lacquered temple, after 
this it was only seen on silk, ivory and Dam-o-scene 
postcards. 

Some of our readers have already accused us of wast- 
ing our time here and elsewhere because we did not 
shop first, last and all the time, but where we had time 
we didn't have money, and where we had money we 
didn't have time, so we left those who had both to shop 
in the most wonderful stores in the world while we 
husfled around to get a few things money couldn't buy. 

DOLL'S FESTIVAL 

I went to a Doll's house, that Ibsen hasn't described, 
and saw dolls which if not big were beautiful to the 
little Jap girls who were having a festival in their 
honor. After my friend Mittwer had us served with 
tea in a room that had been occupied by the late J. P. 
Morgan, he took us downstairs, pulled aside the screen 
and we saw a room full of girls in their best kimonas 
sitting on the floor. The side of the room was arranged 
with shelves like steps and on the top shelf were dolls 
to represent the emperor and empress, under them came 
the courtiers, then the common people and working 
class. At the tables were dolls carrying flowers and 
parasols, riding in rickshaws, as mothers with babies on 
their back, and every other dolly thing that could de- 
light the heart of a child. "We became children again 
and were served with potato balls covered with various 
colored frosting, bean-curd cut in queer shapes, fish 
and noodles and many other things we had never seen 



GOLIGHTLY 'BOUND THE GLOBE 25 

or heard of. A flat-faced girl played on a samisen and 
sang about the egg that would not fit into a square hole. 
She kept very sober, but the others laughed aloud and 
we knew it must be funny. For once in my life I could 
not talk and had to do my part of the entertainment by 
acting in a way that recalled what my father said when 
I graduated as a minister that a good end-man was 
spoiled and I should apply to Jack Haverly at once for 
a position. I made them laugh until they cried and said 
they didn't know any people could be so silly. 

A TAILE OF TWO COUNTRIES 

In Yokohama I met Dr. Nakahama, the son of a man 
famous not only in Japanese, but American history. 

They say men may come and men may go, but a man's 
mother-in-law takes off her things and makes herself 
at home. Mine did and was most welcome, and from 
her lips I heard the story of this international hero, 
who was her schoolmate. 

In 1841 Capt. W. H. Whitefield, of Fair Haven, Mass., 
was cruising around in his whaler in the sea of Japan 
when he saw a signal of distress floating from a barren 
rock. He sent a boat to investigate and the sailors found 
seven Japs and a boy of ten or twelve years of age. 
They were nearly famished and had had nothing but the 
flesh of wild gulls, which they had caught with their 
hands. The men were brought on board the ship ''John 
Howland" and offered food, but were afraid to take it, 
yet recognized the tea and were willing to drink it if 
the captain first tasted it. By the time the vessel 



26 GOLIGHTLY 'BOUND THE GLOBE 

reached Honolulu, her first port, the boy whom they 
called "John Mung," had become so attached to the 
captain that he would not land with his friends, but 
was willing to go on to America. "When they reached 
Pair Haven John was put in school and learned rapidly. 
He had a great liking for mathematics and studied navi- 
gation. In a short time he learned all they could teach 
him and so was sent to High School at New Bedford. 
In 1849 he got the gold craze and went to California, 
where he made his fortune, not as a miner but as cook. 
One day he boarded a vessel for Honolulu, where he 
met his old friends and asked them if they would return 
with him to Japan, but they were afraid, for Japan 
had not opened her ports and did not allow her citizens 
to return if they had visited other countries. But John 
wanted to see his mother so he bought a dory, a small 
ocean boat, and with it took passage in a ship which 
lowered him and his little boat as near Japan as the 
captain dared, 

John landed to find that he had forgotten his mother 
tongue, but motioning to the natives that he was hun- 
gry, they brought him rice and he found he could use 
chop-sticks as well as they. 

News spread to the Mikado that a Jap had landed who 
couldn't talk the language, so the Mikado ordered him 
to be brought to Yeddo under a guard. There he was 
watched and in a short time his language came back to 
him and he told of the wonderful things he had learned 
in America, how we sailed our ships and then showed 
a copy of Bowditch's book of navigation which he had. 
To prove that he was not lying the Mikado ordered 



GOLIGHTLY 'BOUND THE GLOBE 27 

him to translate it into Japanese, whieh took a year 
or two. 

It was about this time that Commodore Perry was 
negotiating for the opening of the ports of Japan. Dur- 
ing a private interview with the Mikado, John was 
hidden behind a sliding screen. When Perry left John 
verified all he had said and later what was Perry's 
surprise to receive a letter written in English from him, 
saying that his message was believed and that from the 
kindness he had received in America he knew Perry 
meant nothing but good will and fairness to the Jap- 
anese people. 

To John Mung more than any one else is due the 
credit of this first peace-overture between Japan and 
America. Today Japan is grateful that United States 
opened her ports to civilization, and would like to return 
the same kind of a compliment to California ports, whose 
unfair, unkiild, un- Christian, un-American iland bill 
seeks to close. 

After this Perry interview, John took his rightful 
family name of Nakahama Mungiro — the family name 
being used first. Following this he was ennobled by 
the Mikado, put in charge of their navy, and visited 
America with the first Japanese embassy. He wore a 
button on his hat which showed high rank and think- 
ing more of his old friend than new formality, he paid 
a visit to Capt. Whitefield, remembered the children with 
whom he had gone to school and gave them his auto- 
graph and a gold coin to wear as a charm. 

He died rich in years and honors, leaving two sons, 
one a commander in the navy, who died in the late Jap- 



28 GOLIGHTLY 'EOUND THE GLOBE 

Russian war, and the other the learned professor of 
Tokio, Dr. Nakahama, whose tea room was put at our 
disposal and who, with his daughter, Aja, dined with 
us on the Cleveland at Yokohama one Sunday afternoon. 
The father and daughter were most delightful com- 
pany, well-traveled, highly educated and able to speak 
five languages. Our memory of Japan has a personal 
interest which has been continued since our return, for 
we have received pleasant letters and gifts from them. 

JAPAN'S CHINA 

The best of China is found in Japan at the Royal 
porcelain factory of Makuzu-Kozan. The place was 
packed with prize pieces of porcelain of every color and 
shape. It makes me melancholy to think what a bull 
could do that came here to shop and got mad at a pur- 
chase, "We sat down on Chinese chairs at a Chinese 
table and were surrounded by a great wall of china and 
the only Japanese thing was a waiter who appeared when 
we clapped our hands, and served us with tea and 
sponge-cake as if we were at home. We filled our stom- 
achs with food as we had our souls with the visions of 
the beautiful crockery about us. Instead of paying a 
set price for this bill of fare, we dropped some coins 
in a tea cup as we left the table. We went into the 
factory and saw the workers turn out the finest things 
in clay since Adam was fashioned. From a piece of 
dirty clay a vase was transformed, delicate as an egg 
shell and shining like the sun. Better than any china 
dolls on the shelves was a little live Jap baby, the 



GOLIGHTLY 'EOUND THE GLOBE 29 

daughter of the proprietor, "When she saw me she 
grabbed her mother's dress and hid her face, but the 
mother comforted her, told her I wasn't the awful 
Bogie she had heard of; I dropped some small coins to 
her, she dropped on her knees and picked them up and 
kept me busy until all my small change was gone. 

SHOPPING FEVER 

Man was made to mourn, for many reasons, and one 
of them is that his six days hard-earned cash is so easily 
spent by his shopping wife and daughter in an hour. 
The tourist shopping fever which showed slight symp- 
toms at Honolulu rose to the high temperature of 104 
in Yokohama, which was only checked by the rising 
prices of what was offered for sale. Here are shops 
filled with things that have made Japan famous the 
world over. You could buy embroidery and silk for 
your best girl, porcelain souvenirs for the kitchen maid, 
lacquer work, ivory and wood carvings for the children 
in the nursery, bronze paper-weights of devils and 
dragons for the dear pastor, and many other heavy, 
hideous, costly curios for the junk-peddler, who will 
think you have robbed him when he is forced to pay you 
a quarter of a cent a pound. 

I couldn't get what I wanted, but what I didn't want 
was thrown at me. I wanted a cherry tree in blossom, 
but it was March and there were none to be had ; a look 
at the sun; a view of Fuji-yama that wasn't streaked 
with rain; two great bronze guardian dogs to scare 
away the tramps from the back door ; a temple t^rii for 



30 GOLIGHTLY 'BOUND THE GLOBE 

my front yard to festoon with rambler roses or string 
beans; a few of their native gods to keep company 
with an Egyptian mummy; a skeleton and a pair of 
cocoanut shell heads in my study. 

Oriental shopping is a great game, exciting as roulette, 
and like it in the long run the house gets the best of 
you. 

Still what is one man's poison is another man's food, 
and shopping was a god-send to some who didn't know 
what else to do with their money, but like Flora Mac- 
Plimsey, just plan something nice to wear. 

A GIANT GOD 

An hour's ride on a railroad brought us to the pretty 
village of Kamakura, once the big capital of Eastern 
Japan; today a place of peace, yesterday a scene of 
slaughter. 

Here a devout people built the temples of Kwannon 
and Hachiman, and near by grows the mammoth and 
Methuselah Icho tree. But the big show is the Daibutsu, 
as familiar to us by photograph as the Statue of 
Liberty. 

This bronze image was built over six centuries ago 
by order of Yoritoma, the Napoleon of his day. A tidal 
wave swept away the great temple in which it stood 
leaving a roof of sky and aisles of trees mirrored in the 
near-by pond. 

Daibutsu is a dull deity, heavy-faced, sleepy-eyed, sit- 
ting with crossed legs and folded hands on knees. He 
looks as if he had had a big dinner and was drowsy, 



GOLIGHTLY 'BOUND THE GLOBE 31 

but he seems to be comfortable, and I am glad, for he 
has been sitting here for so many centuries and will 
continue to for many more. 

He is a giant in build ; has gold eyes, a silver wart on 
his forehead that weighs thirty pounds; his bust meas- 
ure is 98 feet; the ears, nose and mouth are enormous, 
and thirty-six inches measure the circumference of his 
thumb. 

I perched like a fly on his arm and was photographed, 
five stood on his thumb, while a dozen sat in his lap and 
found it anything but a lap of luxury. Later I went 
to his back door, entered and found his interior like a 
small Mammoth Cave; his chest was fixed up like a 
temple and a ladder brought me to his window shoulder- 
blades; one more climb and I was in the attic of his 
head, big but empty, like so many of his Nirvana wor- 
shippers, all bronze and no brains. 

SLEEPY RELIGION 

Nirvana is something hard to understand and define — 
I tried it and wanted to take a long sleep to forget it, 
although I am told I would make a good looking 
Buddhist priest. It seems easier to tell what it isn't 
than what it is. It isn't the orthodox heavenly view of 
eternal existence or the heterodox view of annihilation, 
but seems to be a calm passivity and indifference to the 
world, the flesh and the devil. It is a profound stoicism 
which suffers in silence and having conquered all human 
thought, feeling, and passion, folds its hands, closes its 
eyes and sings **I should worry." In other words, 
when you no longer want to kill a president or a base- 



32 GOLIGHTLY 'BOUND THE GLOBE 

ball umpire, when you ignore the tariff, political parties 
and religious denominations, have no choice of a neck- 
tie, are unconcerned whether your wife wears last year's 
Easter bonnet or not, or your daughter votes, or your 
son runs you in debt for an automobile, whether your 
doctor 's and church bills are paid, your neighbor throws 
ashes in your back lot, whether you get a headline in the 
daily paper or no, whether you are called godly or a 
grafter, are to have a small or "swell" funeral, or your 
body is to be buried or burned — in fine, when you care 
for nothing and people care nothing for you you belong 
to the blessed bunch of Buddhists and are to reside 
forever in the peaceful state of Nirvana. 

Seriously, the Buddhist oracles are dumb; the Table 
of the Five Commandments, like the last half of our 
Ten, are only a nominal rule of conduct, a negative 
''don't" hate God or man, without a positive "do" love 
both. 

Through mist of cloud and falling rain I bade fare- 
well to Daibutsu with his calm face and closed eyes, so 
unlike the majestic Sphinx with open eyes forever 
toward the rising sun. 

LUCKY ENOSHIMA 

We took a trolley from Kamakura for Enoshima, 
something broke and we got out and hiked through 
sand ankle-deep, rested at the house of a lone fisherman, 
watched some women gathering shells and tried to get 
a picture of a naked boy, who missed my camera shot 
and found refuge under a bridge. 

Benten, the Goddess of Good Luck, who, yesterday, 



GOLIGHTLY 'EOUND THE GLOBE 33 

today and forever will always be popular with some 
people, has her headquarters at Enoshima. This pic- 
turesque place was a peninsula the day we blew over 
the sandy isthmus on a rickety bridge to the rocky point, 
and almost an island with the rising tide when we blew 
back. "We climbed up the main street on both sides 
of which were little stores where the simple natives sold 
sea-coral and shells; rested in tea-houses, tarried in 
temples, circled roads, climbed bluffs, Loked over sea 
and harbor, slid down to the high-sounding sea, clung 
like goats to the wet rocks, then crawled along the frail 
little bridge that led to the mouth of the sacred cave, 
where we would have been swallowed up by the dark- 
ness had it not been for the candles we bought and 
lighted. Long ago a dragon lived here who devoured 
little children, but the most ravenous thing, we saw 
was an old beggar who took all the coin he could get. 
Sea, surf and wind made this a second edition of the 
Cave of the Winds at Niagara, and we felt lucky to get 
away without a sprained ankle or being blown into 
shreds. On our way back we met many queer looking 
pilgrims who were bound for this cave, the most sacred 
spot in the sacred island. From the time of this visit 
until we left Japan I had such good luck that I half 
believed that Benten had something to do with it. 

TOKIO 

Tokio is the hub and the hub-bub of Japan. The 
Seiyoken Hotel, the finest in Japan, was our home. I 
can't forget the American flag, ice-cream and pie which 
were served, or the head waiter who called me by name 



.•34 GOLIGHTLY 'BOUND THE GLOBE 

and was from my own native town. It was my good 
fortune to have him take me to a fortune-teller, for the 
Japanese, like some others, believe in gilding a palm 
which can push aside the veiled curtain of the future. 
So Ben Uti, my hotel and home friend, took me to the 
noted professor. It was rainy and cold and we took off 
our shoes, as Moses did on holy ground, when we en- 
tered the mystic place, but used the hibachi to warm our 
toes instead of our fingers. The professor came in, 
kneeled before a table, unfurled his fan and had us 
kneel opposite. He took a large magnifying glass, in- 
spected my wife's eyes, teeth and ears, then examined 
her head with his hand — finding out just how much 
store hair she wore — and solemnly said, ''You are a 
very lucky lady — for you will outlive your husband." 
Turning to me without a magnifying glass he said, "You 
eat too much, you could live twenty years longer if you 
wouldn't." I said the world would be empty without 
a full stomach, and I would hurry home for dinner. 
Then he looked at my son's ear and said, "You are 
your mother's second boy." I asked him how he knew, 
he said, "by the ear-marks." If he meant dirt, the 
ocular proof was soon gone for the boy made a beeline 
for the wash-basin as soon as he struck the hotel. 

MISSIONS 

Through the kindness of the well-known writer and 
missionary. Dr. Deering, we visited a Mission School. 
It was spacious, simple, sanitary, scholarly and spiritual, 
a good investment for our alms, prayers and tears. If 
C!hristianity had nothing to offer for the eternal future 



GOLIGHTLY 'BOUND THE GLOBE 35 

"but only for the temporal present in medicine for the 
tody, education for the mind, orphanages for the home- 
less, it would more than pay for every cent invested. 
Don't believe the low-browed, peanut-shelled souled 
knocker who says that missions don't pay — ^that the 
heathen are worse than they were before, for he is gen- 
erally a tourist critic who knows nothing, . gives noth- 
ing, appreciates nothing, or one who has lived away from 
Europe or America a long time and has been rebuked 
by some decent Christian missionary for his profanity, 
dishonesty, gambling and licentious life among the na- 
tives. One feels here as Franklin did among the French 
skeptics who reviled the Bible, that if people are so 
wicked with it how much worse would they be with- 
out it. 

I know someone who doubts this. He asked a Mission 
scholar what he thought of our religion and the Jap 
replied: "To hell with Jesus Christ. I am learning 
English." He seems to have been an apt pupil. The 
words are all right, but used in the wrong place. I 
think he must have overheard some profane tourist 
shopping by day or slumming by night. 

EDUCATION 

A Japanese friend had given me a letter of introduc- 
tion to Count Okumo. I felt it would be an honor to 
visit the distinguished count, but my call was of no 
account, he was not in, so I gave the gate keeper a flag 
and my card, which were Sesame and admitted us to 
his private park and garden. For beauty and variety 
of tree, shrub and flower, it compares favorably with 



36 GOLIGHTLY 'BOUND THE GLOBE 

the greatest public gardens of the world. What a para- 
dise for a botanist or bug to live in. The count is not 
only a politician, but a philanthropist and public 
educator. 

Don't say the age of miracles is past. As we left 
the garden I offered the Japanese guide and attendant 
some money for his kindness, he refused it with a bow 
and thanks, but grabbed the American flag I offered him 
as a hungry trout does a fly. 

Near the count's home we saw his pet fad, the Waseda 
University, but passed it up for a visit to the Imperial 
University, imperial not only in name, but in the nature 
of all its appointments. More attractive than the out- 
side of the building was the inside. Class-rooms, library 
of books, up to date and out of date, rarest Chinese vol- 
umes and Max Mueller's splendid library. 

The Jap more than anybody else believes in a sound 
mind in a sound body — ^he is little, but lithe, every inch 
a physical king. We saw them run, leap, jump, rush 
over a big campus in a game that is a cross between 
baseball and cricket; fence fast and furious with masks 
and sword-sticks, yells and calls, thumps and thwacks, 
dressed in a funny apron in front and nothing to speak 
of behind; jiu-jitsu each other in a way so simple and 
skillful that if our home police and amusement bouncers 
were up in the game they could put down any rough- 
necks that started a rough house. As we left the Gym. 
we passed by the bath-room where some students were 
enjoying a hot-water bath of 116 degrees, a number of 
degrees less than the temperature of the embarrassed 
ladies who saw them. 



GOLIGHTLY 'EOUND THE GLOBE 37 

City parks are lungs for the common people, and 
"big, busy Tokio breathes freely. In parks, Asakusa is 
as large and breezy as our Coneys and "Wonderlands. 
The wise Jap combines his religion and pleasure, mostly 
pleasure. A temple is in the park. Here he comes to 
pray, but remains to play. The temple was empty, the 
side-shows and picture-movies crowded. 

How to get here, there and everywhere in a little time 
was a big problem. King Richard was willing to run 
up a big livery bill and give his kingdom for a horse. 
"What would he have given for the auto we had when 
there were only three in town? Tokio has 2,000,000 
people, spread over what seems to be as many miles 
to a lost tourist. Mr. Morikubo was the man with the 
machine. A letter of introduction from his Minneapolis 
brother brought him to our hotel in his buzz-wagon. The 
best passport one can have is a bunch of such letters. 

He took us everywhere the wheels could go, and when 
we were tired, if they weren't, stopped at the leading 
tea-house, where we were feasted with raw-fish, bam- 
boo-sprouts, chestnuts, bean-curd and many other deli- 
cacies which were washed down with tea and saki. 

Next was Tokio 's big bazaar. It reminds one of the 
Bible pictures of the Tower of Babel, with its circular 
stairways in, around, up and down. There was a con- 
fusion of tongues between the native sellers and tourist 
buyers and a confusion of all the articles that one ever 
saw or might dream of. I had corkscrewed myself 
through these narrow aisles and stairways till I was 
dizzy and was glad to unwind myself when I stepped 
down and out on the main street with souvenirs galore. 



38 GOLIGHTLY 'BOUND THE GLOBE 

GEISHA GIRLS 

I thought more of the Geisha dancers than the dance, 
and that wasn't much. The word "Geisha" means 
accomplished one, and there are schools for their edu- 
cation in music and the beautiful arts. People visit them 
more for pleasure than for profit, and since they are 
one of the institutions of Japan, we went one night to 
a tea-house to see them. 

Making ourselves as comfortable as possible on the 
floor, a screen door was slipped and in came a pretty 
Geisha girl, who touched her head to the floor three 
times, sat down and looked at each one of us. Now 
fluttered in three more and made the room look like an 
Oriental bird-cage. They sang for us in a tone that 
suggested an ungreased axle or a nail drawn across a 
piece of glass, played on the samisen and koto, which 
nothing but the genius of a Wagner could appreciate, 
went through a fancy fan-drill and proved themselves 
good entertainers, but felt embarrassed because we were 
not familiar and indecent. They acted serious and 
spoke to one another, and I asked the guide what was 
the trouble. He replied they didn't know what to make 
of us, as the average tourist was pretty usually boister- 
ous, drunk and rough. 

THE YOSHIWARA 

The Yoshiwara is the red-lantern district of Japan. 
One night we formed a stag-party to visit the Yoshiwara, 
but we couldn't shake the "dears," who were as anx- 



GOLIGHTLY 'BOUND THE GLOBE 39 

ious to go as we were, and insisted on accompanying us. 
Our rickshaws rolled through acres, squares and streets. 
En route, I lay back and fell asleep, and almost to the 
ground, for I had overbalanced the rig. My runner 
was suspended in mid-air with the shafts under his 
arms. I leaned forward, he came down; he said some- 
thing and so did I, but I wasn't afraid, he seemed so 
small I felt I could lick him with one hand. After miles 
of mud and misery we came to what was in itself a 
"city of dreadful night," but all ablaze with electric 
light. Here were squares of theatre-looking buildings 
where women dressed in bright and fancy garb sat by 
little stoves, and sullen, smiling or smoking pipes, looked 
out at the spectators. The government regulates this 
''social" as a "necessary evil" and houses, supervises 
and guards the girls. In Japan it is regarded as noble 
and filial for a daughter to sell herself to support the 
father and family who may have failed financially. The 
same thing is done in England and America for wealth 
and social position, but differently estimated and under 
another name. 

Here they sat in butterfly garb, with silk kimona 
obi, glossy black hair, stuck full of combs and gold pins, 
eyes painted and faces powdered, thrumming a little 
guitar, squeaking out a love-song and making goo-goo eyes 
in a way that would make one smile if he could forget 
the hell-horror of the place. Some of these girls do 
not leave the place until death ; others return to society, 
which welcomes and does not disown ; one may return to 
her home, loved and respected, but with none of the 
fine clothes and jewels given by her admirers during 



40 GOLIGHTLY 'EOUND THE GLOBE 

her absence. However, the place often becomes a matri- 
monial bureau and the girl is met, courted and selected 
by some Jap as his wife. 

In addition to segregation, there is such a supervision 
that the inmates can't leave even for an hour except at 
the consent of the police. Japan teaches a lesson — ^best 
for her, and worth our consideration. 

Sex-sin will exist as long as there are men and women 
in the world. If the church does not regenerate the gov- 
ernment must segregate. An open foe is better than a 
sneaking assassin ; a wide cavern one sees and may avoid 
is safer than an abyss covered with flowers into which 
he ignorantly drives ; a segregated district or a licensed 
and medically inspected resort is less abhorrent than a 
city-wide spider-web of sin in which youth are ensnared. 

MIKADO'S BELL 

Japan has big and beautiful bells for its Buddha 
worship. I never tired of seeing them or striking them 
with a big mallet to hear them sound deep and far away 
among the hills. 

Here at Tokio, the home of the emperor, I heard a 
pretty little legend of how the wonderful palace bell 
was made. 

Centuries ago the Mikado ordered a bell-maker to east 
the best bell ever heard. It was to stand in the palace 
tower and that it might be clear and sweet, and sound 
for a hundred miles away, gold and silver were to be 
mingled with the brass. 



GOLIGHTLY 'EOUND THE GLOBE 41 

Into the melting pot the metals were placed, the big 
fire builded, but the metals would not mingle. Again 
and again he tried, but with no success; there was no 
bell. The emperor, growing weary and angry at the 
delay, sent final word that unless the bell-maker suc- 
ceeded he must die. 

Now the bell-maker had a lovely daughter. She heard 
the Mikado's threat against her father and was broken 
hearted. One night she wrapped herself in a cloak, left 
the palace, went to the shrine and asked the oracle how 
she could save her father. The reply came, ''Gold and 
silver will not melt and mingle until the blood of a vir- 
gin is mixed with them in their fusion." 

Once again the old bell-maker was ready to east the 
bell. He thought he was alone, but his daughter stood 
near and suddenly threw herself into the melted metal. 
It fused, the bell was cast and found to be the most 
perfect and wonderful ever made. 

That was long ago, but even now it hangs in the tower 
of the palace and its tones are the sweetest heard round 
about for a hundred miles. Blood sacrifice mingled with 
gold and silver gave the bell its marvelous tone. 

This Japanese legend rings out a lesson to us in 
America, far across the seas. Life makes no sweet and 
lasting music until sacrifice mingles with our offerings 
in love's altar fires. Of all classes between the mother 
in the private home or the martyr at public stake, Christ's 
words are true, ''For whosoever will save his life shall 
lose it ; but whosoever will lose his life for my sake, the 
same shall save it." 



42 GOLIGHTLY 'EOUND THE GLOBE 

NIKKO 

"Nikko" whistled the engine, hummed the wheelS;, 
said the smiling student conductors, whispered the wind 
and trees as we sped by rice-paddies, through little vil- 
lages, over hill and dale, till at last the giant cryptomerias 
waved their welcome to the sacred shrine, Nikko, glorious • 
in nature and art. 

We reached Nikko at night. The rickshaws, with 
their painted paper lanterns, swarmed about like fire- 
flies. Jumping in we climbed a steep road, bright with 
fires, flags and faces. From the oldest grandpa to the 
youngest baby, came the cry ''Ohio." I shouted back 
"Minnesota," we all chimed in with "Banzai" and kept 
it up as we went up until our noise was drowned by the 
rush of the stream whose banks we followed and then 
left for the rocky path to the hotel, our temple, in the 
land of temples, for the night. 

We were in the mountain district where everything 
seemed transfigured, and remembering how, long ago, 
the Disciple Peter fell asleep when he should have been 
most awake, I agreed to keep my eyes open, knowing 
I could go to bed at any time. The Geisha maid, with 
the hotel proprietor and the leader of our party, tried 
to stop my climb by saying, "beware the mountain 
pass," but "Excelsior" was my motto. 

It was dark, the roads were heavy and the rickshaw 
men didn't care to go in the beginning or continue after 
starting, but by extra tips, getting out and walking and 
climbing half the way we managed to get along, until 
Nature took pity on us, lifted the clouds, threw out a 



GOLIGHTLY 'BOUND THE GLOBE 45 

handful of stars and hung up a big yellow moon like a 
monstrous Japanese lantern. By this light we climbed 
through rocky ravine, forded foaming streams, were 
given -a shower-bath by a silver cataract and got a glori- 
ous glimpse of snowy summits. The scenery made me 
drunk and drowsy, so my rickshaw boy trundled me in 
his little patrol wagon to the hotel, where I slept soundly 
until the sun was up and a daughter of Japan came 
into my room to — build the fire. 

Nikko is Nippon 's Westminster, with roof of sky, archi- 
tecture of hill and mountain, aisles of cryptomerias, 
music of cascade and pine and tombs of leyasu and his 
grandson, those sho-guns who have slept in this show- 
place for centuries without going off. 

In harmony with these sacred and solemn surround- 
ings we pilgrims were waltzed by bronze lanterns, slipped 
over old stone and moss-covered steps, dragged to and 
from gold, lacquer and carved temples before we could 
get on or off our shoes, were rushed by carved monkeys 
and stone dragons, as if they were in pursuit, until we 
sought refuge at the door of the temple, but were 
stopped by a dancing girl. We put some coin into a 
little box on the platform and, like an old music box 
that squeaks a tune when you drop a nickel in the slot, 
a withered female fantastically dressed appeared like 
a ghost, danced like a dry corn stalk in the wind, 
squeaked like a rat until she was tired out and we were 
too. 

Securing the guides of the night before we rode by 
Sacred Bridge, but were not ''Granted" to cross, and 
along the bank with its defaced stone-faced images ; were 



44 GOLIGHTLY 'BOUND THE GLOBE 

hauled up hills, by pretty gardens, dry, rocky river 
beds, misty mountain tops and falls, which we took in 
with the sandwiches we brought along. There was no 
time for an after-dinner nap, and like the famous men 
who marched up the hill we had to march back again, 
for the train, like time and tide, waits for nobody. As 
we approached a mountain hut I sighted a little woman 
in a big pair of Dr. Mary Walker pants. She wouldn't 
stand for a picture, but fled, and I went to the old- 
fashioned well and drank long and deep from the old 
bamboo bucket. Prowling around I came to a little 
mound of earth and stone, where there were evidences 
of worship. Here I found a little clay god built on the 
lines of St. Nicholas, though instead of a pack of toys 
he carried two sacks of rice. I fell in love with him at 
sight and since there were so many of him in Japan I 
took him and left the little woman housekeeper enough 
to buy a dozen deities. Virgil found the descent easy 
to Avernus, and I did to the Cleveland party at the 
depot, who wondered where we had been, and half- 
wished we had been left behind when we told them they 
might as well have never come to Nikko as to have missed 
what we had just seen. 

THREE MONKEYS 

We left Nikko, the place of pious pilgrimage and of 
both Buddhist and Shinto shrine, whose elaborate and 
artistic wood carving of red and gold lacquer work are 
unsurpassed. 

Among the many figures we saw of lions, tigers, winged 



GOLIGHTLY 'BOUND THE GLOBE 45 

and scaly dragons and a blind cat, there were the three 
original famous monkeys, made over three hundred 
years ago by a celebrated artist. Their names are 
Mizaru, Kikazaru and Iwazaru. 

Of these marvelous monkeys, one sits with his 
paws over his eyes, another covers his ears and a third 
his mouth ; over eyes that he may see no evil, over ears 
that he may hear no evil, and over mouth that he may 
speak no evil. Though carved long ago, and by a 
heathen artist, they teach a now much needed lesson. 

I have seen trained monkeys in circuses, wild mon- 
keys in India and South America, but these wooden 
monkeys in Japan are of more interest than all the 
others. 

"When any one tells you not to make a monkey of 
yourself, ask what he means ; he may be giving you bad 
advice, for the three monkeys at Nikko's temple are 
always and everywhere worthy of imitation. Let us 
all be Nikko monkeys. 

NARA 

Nara may be the Happy Hunting Ground for those 
whose way through dusky death was lighted by stone 
lanterns, but while the park is filled with deer, there is 
no open season for hunters. The animals are sacred 
and at call of voice and horn will come and eat out of 
your hand the rice-cakes prepared for them. Like all 
sacred animals, man or beast, they are lazy and fat. 

Scattered through the park are stone-lanterns, like 
so many mushrooms, and a long row of them leads to 



46 GOLIGHTLY 'BOUND THE GLOBE 

a temple where girls in bloomers, with black hair filled 
with bright flowers and faces daubed over with white 
lead, give a holy Hulu dance, keeping time to a sacred 
accompaniment sung and played by amorous priests. 

At Moscow I wasn't permitted to strike the big bell, 
as broken and useless as the hearts and lives of many a 
Russian, but here every time for the ring of a coin I 
got the ring of the bell by pulling a rope which swung 
a beam like a battering ram against its nine-inch thick 
Ijrazen side. Later I went out from a museum of 
delicate and dead things to the sturdy life of the park, 
where boys and girls and men and women were sitting 
astride of a big log suspended by chains and swinging 
to and fro like the pendulum of a giant grandfather's 
clock. 

Speaking of trees recalls the botanical freak of seven 
trees twisted into one trunk. To this odd tree frantic 
lovers come, write down their heart-throb wishes on a 
piece of tissue paper, and tie it in form of a curl-paper 
around the twigs with the thumb and little finger of 
one hand, as difficult to tie as the Gordian knot was 
to untie. Judged by the number of bandages around 
it many love-sick sweethearts had been here. 

"While some were having a public reception with the 
officials we had a private unofficial meeting with a 
Buddha bigger than any image since the time of Nebu- 
chadnezzar, nestling on a lotus-leaf like a toad on a 
stool. This diety under his dark roof looked like a 
demon in his den and inspired about as much repose as 
Poe's Eaven. 

Pagodas fiourish in China, as watermelons in Georgia, 



GOLIGHTLT 'BOUND THE GLOBE 4.7 

but we found one here under cultivation. It is five 
stories high, and even though the traveler adds another 
story every time he mentions it, it seems very small for 
its age, dating from the fifteenth century, in compari- 
son with some skyscrapers we pile up in a single year. 

A NIGHT IN OSAKA 

Osaka, with its sooty chimneys, is a Japanese Pitts- 
burgh by day, but a big white way by night. It's all 
right to take a rubber-neck rickshaw in the morning to 
see castle walls with stones larger than some Egyptian 
granite, or the bell big enough to ring Japan's lib- 
erty and independence, but if you would view fair 
Osaka aright see it as we did by electric light. From 
dark of depot we dashed by spacious parks, over bridges, 
under flaming electric lights and signs, through narrow 
wholesale streets, with stock on sidewalk, until we rolled 
into Shinsai-bashi-suji. In this long street, with a long 
name, the million inhabitants of the town seemed 
poured, spilled into the shops, running by the river, 
flooding the theatres and moving picture shows, while 
between the flags and through the colored awnings 
canopying the street, the man in the moon looked down 
with a broad grin and said, ''Bless you, my children." 
Over a restaurant the word "pie" written in English 
struck my eye and I sat down at a place which had just 
been vacated. A good looking Japanese came. and asked 
me what I'd have, and I said the dishes in front of me 
looked pretty good; then he told me that was his place 
and he was not a waiter, but the owner of the shop. How- 



48 GOLIGHTLY 'EOUND THE GLOBE 

ever, he let me have his bread and coffee, ham, eggs and 
pie, and went out to get a duplicate order for himself. 
Can you beat it? Not with the golden rule in U. S. A. 
As usual, men and women were very social; every- 
where you went, in public or private, they were or came. 
I would like to tell of one encounter in a dark shed 
by a canal, but think it better not to publish it. 0, 
don't miss Osaka for, like its native drink saki, it ascends 
me in the brain and fills me full of funny, fiery and fra- 
grant memories. 

TEMPLE TOWN KYOTO 

Did you ever visit a city tourists gush over? If 
not, make a sentimental journey to Kyoto, where, if 
your ''gusher" hasn't already given out, it probably 
will over the castles, palaces, museums, bell, gods more 
numerous than Paul found in idolatrous Athens, and 
so many temples that the piety you may have felt at 
Jerusalem, Moscow and Rome will all ooze out and in 
its stead leave a profane word sticking in your dry 
throat. 

From the guide-book one would think the Nijo castle 
was a menagerie with heron, sparrow and tiger room. 
But they were beauty and beast decorations which 
didn't bother me at all. I entered one of its corridors 
that creaked and squeaked as if it were a poor piece 
of carpenter work, but learned it was an alarm signal 
for any foot-pad or assassin who might try to sneak 
in late and unawares. 

I am not surprised that the Mikado moved away from 




-'-l,i-i: 



I 



o 
o 



I 



GOLIGHTLY 'EOUND THE GLOBE 49 

Kyoto if he had to live in the Imperial palace we were 
permitted to ramble through. There seemed to be as 
many rooms as cells in a honey-comb. I buzzed around 
like a lost bumble bee and the Mikado, king bee, was 
lucky to find his way out. 

One morning I went to the Golden Pagoda with its 
Phoenix cupola. It looked like a celestial hen-coop with 
a prize rooster on it. Here we fed the golden carp with 
rice fish-balls, drank rare tea that looked as if it had 
been skimmed off the top of a frog pond, and entered 
a garden that harbored a ship which from stem to stern 
and mast to keel was a tree with fluttering leaves for 
sails. I was entertained by a Buddhist monk who 
showed me his books, garden and temple and whom I 
thanked and left feeling the only thing we had in com- 
mon was a bald head. 

I made a tour of some time-eaten and deserted temples, 
and one where a straggling worshipper clapped his 
hands, rang a bell, threw a coin into a hay-rick looking 
collection box and made known his request. I fear 
that a contribution box of this size in Christian lands 
would drive the worshippers from the altar to the woods, 
God's first temples with free sittings. Near by I saw 
a kind of wood-box filled with bamboo sticks — I picked 
up one as a souvenir. It proved to be a prayer, written, 
not extemperaneous, but I didn't offer it there or here 
for I didn't know what it meant and one must always 
be careful of his petition and know what he wants 
before he asks for it. Around me were some sad and 
sour-visaged idols and I don't wonder, because for cen- 
turies they have been targets for spit-balls. Japan would 



;50 GOLIGHTLY 'BOUND THE GLOBE 

iDe a paradise for some bad American school boy who 
would make a juicy spit-ball and blow it through a bean- 
shooter with the idea that if it stuck to the image he 
would be lucky and get anything he asked for. I fear 
if he did this he would be unlucky and get some things 
he didn't want, for here spit-ball throwing is a religious 
rite. You write down a prayer on a piece of soft paper, 
put the paper in your mouth and chew it, roll it in the 
form of a ball and fire it at the god. If it is moist and 
sticks you may look for an answer, but if it is dry, like 
many of our tearless petitions, it will fall off and be 
offered in vain. 

At the temple of Mercy I called on 83,333 gods and 
left one card and contribution to be divided among them 
all. These upright gods with extended hands looked 
like so many bleaeherites after an umpire's rank de- 
cision. 

Tired and sick of all this I went up hill and through 
streets lined with stores filled with dolls and gourd 
pottery to the temple of Kwannon, the goddess who 
cares for the sick and sad. Here I met the patron god, 
Dr. Binzuri, wooden, worn, weatherbeaten and over- 
worked. Believing it would help them, I saw natives 
rub the place on his body which corresponded to the 
sick or lame on theirs. When it came my turn I placed 
my hand on his head and then on mine, but am bald 
as ever and if I had not been lucky I might have 
received some other scalp things I did not care to have. 

My faith was weak or he was a faker. Eefreshed, 
however, by the smells and sound of the pines, and a 
drink from the dragon-mouthed fountain, I strolled 



GOLIGHTLY 'EOUND THE GLOBE 51 

over to the shrine of the Lover's god, most unlovely, 
who sits behind wooden bars covered with knots of 
paper tied with the thumb and little finger of sweet- 
heart hands. After these lovers marry they may visit 
the nearby shrine of Jizo, who loves children here, and 
beyond the grave protects them from the old hag 
Shozuka. Here were offerings of caps, bibs and toys. 

This world is a cemetery and the tombstones of the 
dead are the milestones of life's journey. I saw no 
public funerals in Japan, and while there are private 
burial places in and near the homes, there are few public 
ones. I groped through one, noting the peculiarity of 
the head stones, decorations and inscriptions which I 
suppose were just as flattering as some lying epitaphs 
elsewhere that disfigure and blacken white marble. This 
reminds me. One day I bought some curios from a 
Jap merchant which pleased him so much that he asked 
me to step in and see his father's shrine. Our mer- 
chants generally take their customers to a variety show. 
We were entertained with a tombstone. There in the 
end of the room stood a little shrine in gold and lacquer. 
Every evening candles were lighted, fresh rice and wine 
were placed before it for the departed. "Heathen 
ancestral worship, ' ' you say, but to me a beautiful sight 
of filial remembrance and regard. In Japan ''Honor 
thy father and thy mother" is observed in life and after 
death, while in America children talk about the ''old 
man" and "old woman," hasten their death, hurry up 
their funeral, throw a wreath of unpaid flowers on the 
grave and scrap in the hack on the way home to see 
who will get the most of what is left. 



52 GOLIGHTLY 'BOUND THE GLOBE 

In Tokyo I had my picture taken standing by a devil, 
but he was a little shrimp compared with the whale of 
a devil here, so that among ''all the legions in horrid 
hell" there was none to top him. Do we worship what 
we love or fear? It must be the latter here, and how 
any real devil could be more fearsome I can't imagine. 
I think he must be the Prince of Darkness for he can 
scare all the other devils away. 

Higashi Hongwangi is the profane sounding name for 
Japan's biggest and most beautiful temple. It only 
cost $8,000,000, but holds something more precious than 
all its gold, lacquer ornaments, metal lanterns, and 
statue of Buddha with gold furnishings — twenty-nine 
long coils of rope. They look like hawsers, or cables, 
and were not made in Manila. They are brownish, 
black and fuzzy as if they might be a switch of hair 
from a big Buddha's wife. And hair it is, black, brown 
and white from the heads of women, young and old, 
who had it cut off and made it into ropes with which 
they hauled giant timbers to Kyoto and lifted them in 
their temple places. How many women workers in 
Christendom would sacrifice their crowning ornament 
and sing like saints while working like oxen ? Shintoism 
with its patriotism and Buddhism with its ceremonialism 
may decay and be classed with the dead religions of 
the past, but so long as Charity is greater than faith and 
hope, the story of this temple built by women's unselfish 
love, like the devotion of Mary who used her hair for a 
towel to wipe her Saviour's feet, will be remembered 
till the end of time. 

Israel worshipped the golden calf, like some of us. 



GOLIGHTLY 'BOUND THE GLOBE 53 

Nineveh the winged bull, and here the Japs bow down 
before a big bronze bull whose worshippers must be 
homoeopathists and believe in the motto, "Similia 
similibus curantur, ' ' for they rub their affected head and 
heels on the same parts of his Durham anatomy. I have 
worked on a farm, but never saw such a tame, social 
looking bull as this one and would choose him from all 
the theological pastures I have known. 

Weary Willies need not be afraid to enter the temples 
here for the watch-dog guardians are stone dead. 
Tourists who bought Japanese dogs from noted kennels 
lost them on the home voyage, but the two I got at a 
curio shop made the trip in safety and on my study 
hearth keep watch during my absence and grin their 
welcome on my return. 

ALTOGETHER BATHS 

Japan is the land of the Rising Sun, and daughter, 
who with the whole family will take their bath and 
leave the same water for you to swim in unless you set 
your alarm clock for a very early hour or sit up all night 
to get there first. Imagine a public bath, if you can, 
for many homes have no bathroom, where the water by 
10 A. M. is like a roily creek after a rain; by 3 P. M. 
yellow as the Missouri and by bedtime like the mud- 
geysers of the Yellowstone. 

The public bath was the one thing we wanted to see 
and kept asking about all day. 

''Cleanliness is next to godliness," and after visit- 
ing 2,738 of the 3,000 temples I wanted to get "next" 



54 GOLIGHTLT 'BOUND THE GLOBE 

to a pi blic bath. At last I discovered one and sent the 
guide al ead to reconnoiter. He said, ''Come." I passed 
the word along and the ladies came, but wished they 
hadn't. We entered and I became a "looker on" at 
Venus in the bath, and not one but many, who made the 
painted females in the Uffizi look like chromos or Mrs. 
Jar ley's wax works. They eyed us with an indifference 
that made us blush and look through our fingers for 
shame. With the ease that only a model for the al- 
together possesses they posed before the mirrors arrang- 
ing their black hair, or poised like maids of the mist by 
the steam tank. Their type of beauty is different. Jap 
beauty is in angles, the American in curves; Nature 
made one with a ruler, the other with a compass. As a 
rule the baths for men and women are divided by a 
wooden partition at the end of which sits the proprietor 
or his wife on the lookout. Formerly there was no 
privacy and the fastidious foreigners insisted that the 
sexes should be separated. This was accomplished by 
placing a bamboo rod between them, but even that now 
is discarded in some sections. Everybody gets into the 
swim, thus beautifully illustrating the proverb, "Evil 
to him that evil thinks." O tempora, mores! 

The Japs are mild in their looks, manners and lan- 
guage. During two weeks of trying travel I saw no 
evidence of anger and heard no profanity from the 
natives except one monosyllabic word which a ricky boy 
had learned from a careless tourist of the former party. 
The worst curse here you can hurl at your most hated 
enemy is to make a face at him, point your finger and 
say, "Your navel is twisted." 



GOLIGHTLY 'BOUND THE GLOBE 55 

MISTAKES OF A NIGHT 

An Inn is an indicator of the ins and outs of a coun- 
try's life. The average American globe-trotter thinks 
he isn't having a good time unless he stops at a hotel 
which is a little better than anything he has at home. 
If bed, board and a luxurious time is all, he might as 
well have gone to New York and been waited on by a 
Jap bell-hop. 

Since our vocabulary was limited to "Ohio," ''Say- 
onara," *'Kum Bow wow" (hello, good afternoon and 
night) we asked our guide to find us a native Inn and 
make all the arrangements. 

The first place was full and they only had a mat 
and a half left, whatever that might mean. But they 
served us with tea and sent a servant to another inn- 
keeper to see whether he could accommodate us. While 
drinking tea we were conscious of many bright kimonas, 
and black eyes peeping from behind the screen, with 
suppressed giggles at Americans drinking tea with their 
shoes on. 

The servant found a place, we got in our rickshaw, 
•splashed through the mud and arrived at a wayside inn, 
where the master received us and asked us to remove 
our shoes, which we did, though the place didn't seem 
very holy. A little live Japanese doll now appeared 
bowing her black head to the floor, and we all took tea. 
Then we went on a tour of inspection to see whether 
our rooms would suit. Not liking a hallway between 
the different members of the party I stumbled around, 
fell into a room no bigger than a wardrobe, slid a screen 



56 GOLIGHTLY 'BOUND THE GLOBE 

to one side, asking why I couldn't have that room, and 
soon learned, for there sat a Jap on his knees, by a little 
table, eighteen inches high, studying by an electric light. 
The stranger seemed unmoved, and he certainly was, 
for the proprietor said he had been there sixteen years. 
After that I didn't slide any more screens. But if 
you're curious it isn't necessary; you have only to wet 
your thumb and thrust it through the wall paper to get 
as many views as Peeping Tom had of Lady Godiva. 
This hole privilege is, however, only claimed by the 
tourist who has no respect for the holy of holies at inn 
or temple. 

Finally we discovered a room, and hungry with the 
exertion, asked for something to eat. What was our sur- 
prise when after all our effort to get away from every- 
thing American or English we were served with an 
American dinner by an English speaking cook. Soup, 
fish, beef, potatoes, rice, American white bread, tea and 
cake was the menu. Like a doubled up jackknife or 
Daibutsu we sat on our knees on little silk mats. It 
seemed easy at first, but soon we were in agony. I was 
so fat I had to straighten my legs, and succeeded in 
upsetting the table and so broke up the feast. About 
half-through the master of the house, with his wife, 
daughter and cook, all came in and saluted us with low 
bows. The cook spoke to us in good English. "I am 
the cook; I can speak a little English. How did you 
enjoy your dinner?" If I was surprised at the good 
meal I was more surprised at our linguistic cook, who^ 
continuing, said: '*I am through with my work and 
the master says I may be your guide for the evening if 



GOLIGHTLY 'EOUND THE GLOBE 57 

you wish. ' ' He put on a silk kimona, we pulled on our 
shoes, climbed down the fragile stairs trying not to knock 
the paper-walled house down, and tucked in our rick- 
shaws were off for the theatre through mud ankle deep. 

The cook proved to be a regular Cook's guide, for we 
wove in and out dark streets and alleys till we came to 
the lighted broadway thronged with people splashing 
and clattering by. We stopped and entered what proved 
to be not a theatre but a moving picture show, and from 
the seats in the gallery box we saw the latest in films — 
silly stuff from America and historical Japanese reels. 
The native orchestra uttered shrieks and groans that 
suggested cemeteries and torture-chambers. Except for 
the hungry girl usher, who shoveled down three platefuls 
of boiled rice in as many minutes, the passing show out- 
side was more interesting. 

"Wonderful to relate, our guide, for economical reasons, 
had dismissed the waiting rickshaws, and for ten minutes 
we trotted after him in the mud; he on raised stilted 
shoes had dry feet while our shoes were soaked and 
proved the Jap 's understanding better than ours. Finally, 
like a rat in a hole, he darted in a little door cut in a big 
door of the hotel. We followed, bumping and thumping 
our way to our rooms. The Japs sleep on one mat, but 
they gave us three, so our beds were quite comfortable. 

That night it rained cats and dogs, and some of the 
cats prowled and yowled over our heads. Towards morn- 
ing I had fallen into an uneasy catnap when I was 
awakened by some one walking softly between me and 
the window. With visions of burglars I waked to find 
my cook guide, who asked what I wanted for break- 



58 GOLIGHTLY 'BOUND THE GLOBE 

fast and whether I preferred a bath or a blind masseur. 
''If a bath, please not let the water out, for we use it 
again." So I ran a Marathon to get there first. The 
bath was a room with a tank about twelve inches deep 
in the floor with little chairs on the side. The man there 
before me had an attendant, who put a heavy bath-towel 
over his shoulders and poured boiling water on him from 
a tea kettle. He didn't seem to mind it in the least, but 
later I did very much, feeling as Artemus "Ward when 
he jumped up as if biling water had been squirted in 
his ear. Parboiled and red as a lobster I went back to 
bed. I thought the scene would make a good lecture 
slide, so I had one Jap maid at my head and another at 
my foot, while my wife, who insisted on being present, 
took my picture. 

The maids returned to the kitchen and said their pic- 
tures had been taken. This raised a riot of jealousy and 
envy, and once more the cook appeared, who had me 
take the picture of the daughter of the house, since she 
was considered one of the fairest maids of Kyoto. "We 
breakfasted, paid our bills, were presented with hand- 
painted souvenirs and with a lot of bowing and scraping 
said "Sayonara.'* 

KOBE 

Kobe, as I remember it, is "some" town, bounded in 
front by a big, beautiful harbor dotted with shipping, 
and with a background of hills covered with trees. High 
up at one point the forests have been cut down in such 
a way as to leave the shape of an immense anchor in 
hanor of Nogi's naval victory over the Russians. The 



GOLIGHTLY 'BOUND THE GLOBE 59 

most unreliable guide in Japan lives here. He led me 
a devious route to a high plain, where he pointed to a 
monument "in memory of General Venus." It proved 
to be in memory of no man but of Venus when she made 
a memorial transit for a party of scientists who came 
here to watch her. Would that I had listeEed to no 
further fairy tales from my imaginative guide. He 
promised to take me to places and people which I never 
came to or met. Like Mary's little lamb, I followed 
him over hills, down steps, beyond city outskirts to the 
Kobe falls and tea house. His so-called short-cut had 
taken us two hours of hot, hard climbing, whereas if we 
had come in the regular roundabout way it would have 
taken fifteen minutes. Alas, it was only when we left 
him that I found a curio shop, where I bought a hand- 
carved money cane that I longed to wear out on him. 
"We were so late at the tea houses that those who had 
come long before had left little but leaves in the cup, but 
they couldn't drink the water of the falls or buy the 
beauty of rock, forest and cascade scenery. 

Beautiful tortoise shell is sold here, but their shell 
game put us in no mood for shopping, though we did 
take a chance on a lunch at the hotel to vary the ship 
bill of fare, and it was very poor, and so were we when 
we left. 

INLAND SEA 

The Inland Sea is worth seeing. Over its wide or nar- 
row expanse dart, skip and skim boats like so many 
strange water bugs. "We pass by many and various col- 
ored islands, and our bow like a needle threads them 



60 GOLIGHTLT 'BOUND THE GLOBE 

like so many colored beads upon the white unrolling 
string of its wake. There are little villages which cling 
to the cliffs like limpets on a rock — ^native peasants as 
industrious on their heights as the lads in the land of 
the Midnight Sun. This was one of the best moving 
pictures of the trip, and I had all the thrills I have had 
in the St. Lawrence and Columbia rivers and Sitka 
harbor. But the real thriller was to be on a German 
ship, in Japanese waters, and see a boat with the Chinese 
name ''Mongolia" floating the American flag. 

NAGASAKI SILHOUETTES 

Nagasaki left a charcoal sketch on the walls of my 
memory and some maps of darkest Africa on my face 
and white duck suit. You see there is. an island near 
here filled with soft Japanese coal; they needed the 
money and we needed the coal. So barges filled with 
fuel and natives bumped our boat and, like so many 
pirates, men and women threw rope ladders on our decks, 
climbed them, forming a human chain, and like the old 
fire-bucket brigade passed on and up baskets of coal 
with the speed of grain-elevator buckets until the coal 
lockers were filled and the mate cried "hold enough," 
and blessed and not damned was he who thus officially 
cried, for we passengers, too, had taken on a cargo of 
coal dust all day. Made from dust, every night half- 
dead we returned to dust. "We emerged from our cabins 
in the morning looking like stokers, unbathed went to 
breakfast, where the eggs were seasoned with salt and 
dust ; trod over decks as dirty as those in the card room, 
and unlike Pinafore passengers were glad to seek the 



GOLIGHTLY 'BOUND THE GLOBE 61 

seclusion which the shore instead of the cabin afforded. 

In spite of all this there were many bright spots dur- 
ing the two days we stopped here. 

Tired of temples, sick of shops, like Alexander we 
sighed for some new conquest. It came to us in the 
form of a reception by the genial German, C. F. Deich- 
man, the American Consul. I liked him because he was 
from my old St. Louis, the town that combines patriotism 
and pleasure, and he brought them over here. Flags 
and flowers welcomed us outside, his speech and my reply 
from a high chair welcomed us inside, while our insides 
were welcome to everything from cake to champagne. 
I have seen a wheat field after grasshoppers have paid 
it a visit, and a Salvation Army Christmas dinner after 
the poor had devoured everything from the juicy legs 
of the chicken to the dry ones of the table, but you can 
search me if I ever saw or read or heard of any locust 
that so came down on the field as the tourists did on 
Deichman's hospitality. They gorged and guzzeled, and 
not satisfied with filling their stomachs filled their 
pockets and handbags with all sorts of souvenirs, broke 
off branches of rare plants and flowers, and in general 
acted like a band of marauders. Our patriotism was a 
pillaging expedition, and under the guise of hands 
stretched across the sea the American trotter stretched 
out his hand, taking everything he could see that wasn't 
nailed down. This is not fiction. 1 wish it were — so 
does Deichman. I left with the hope and prayer that 
if he continued in government service here or elsewhere 
he might receive an extra allowance to indemnify him 
for the loss he sustained in our party's reception. 



62 GOLIGHTLY 'BOUND THE GLOBE 

KITE FLYING 

I took a flyer at Nagasaki in the form of a kite. In 
Japan the children have more to entertain them than 
anywhere else in the world. Grown ups also enjoy this 
pastime, and they arranged a contest for our pleasure. 
We saw and shared this innocent daytime amusement. 

The Japs powder the kite-string with ground glass 
and when the rival's kite is flying high they cross this 
string and with a sudden sawing cut it and the kite falls 
to the ground. A man of leisure, as you could tell from 
his fine silk kimona and sandals, cut down six kites, and 
then was good enough to let me hold the line and see 
how it pulled and tried to teach me the art, but before 
I could learn my string had been crossed and cut and the 
kite fluttered away into the hands of a little boy, who 
caught it before it touched the ground. 

There are many kinds of kites, the favorite one being 
a big carp that they run up on a pole as we float a flag. 
This fish is an object lesson which the parents wish the 
boys to admire. It is strong, swims up stream and full 
of pluck and push. 

HIGH LIGHTS 

The Y. M. C. A. here meant ''You may call again," 
and I want to if they can serve another such program 
as they gave us. The society doesn't have to hire a hall, 
because its large and lively members own one. If 
mental and moral growth have their roots in a strong 
body we may look for both by the way they cultivate 



GOLIGHTLY 'EOUND THE GLOBE 63 

the manly art of self-defense in fencing and jitsu wrest- 
ling. We were pleasantly surprised to hear a Jap girl 
warble Scotch ballads and we tortuously craned our 
necks to take in "The Crane and the Tortoise Dance" 
which a dozen dainty damsels did. 

One night a fiery dragon, two miles long, dragged its 
jointed length along the mountain side and harbor. It 
proved to be a lantern parade given in our honor and 
not a demon produced by Nagasaki sake. I was a boy 
again, only instead of carrying a Halloween pumpkin 
jack-o-lantern or waving a paper one to the home-com- 
ing veterans of '65, I bought a Japanese lantern from 
a little boy, rushed by saloons filled with English 
sailors, drinking the health of the king and their sweet- 
hearts, dived through dark streets till I headed off the 
procession, and waving the lantern aloft, fell in line and 
yelled "Banzai" at the top of my voice. We were 
hilarious and happy and had the triumphal processions 
of Alexander and Pompey beaten to a frazzle, because 
their motto was ' ' war ' ' and ours was peace — such peace 
as General Grant had in mind and heart when he planted 
a tree in the nearby hillside park — the object of pride 
and pleasure to all the citizens. 

Nagasaki exports raw silk, cotton, tea, porcelain, 
lacquer-ware, textiles, paper goods and rice, and manu- 
factures tortoise-shell ware and enameled pottery. 

During our stay in the city I found a college with 
studies planned on European lines; a Methodist school 
for boys and Roman Catholic school for girls. 

The Japan climate was genial, and the many red-faced 
babies, with their hearty "Ohaios," proved that Naga- 



64 GOLIGHTLY 'BOUND THE GLOBE 

saki was a good health resort. We saw the big camphor 
trees, went shopping and after seeing a number of tem- 
ples visited the most famous Shinto shrine, known as 
the ** Bronze Horse Temple." The horse stands on a 
pedestal and is a *'Rosinante" nag compared with his 
bronze brothers in Venice stabled over the entrance to 
Saint Mark's Cathedral. Job and Carlyle would have 
found inspiration for a new paragraph on this Jap 
''galled jade." 

MOGI 

Mogi is a malodorous little fishing village out from 
Nagasaki, with so large a smell that a blind man could 
easily find it by following his nose. Coleridge, the poet, 
whose business it was to rely on imagination rather than 
on fact, counted sixty well defined and several stinks 
at Cologne. He would have been overpowered here and 
called for the help of a professor of higher mathematics 
to enumerate the volume and variety of odors we encoun- 
tered from Nagasaki to this town. 

A well-made road lassoes the intervening foothills, 
which are covered with cultivated fields; the peasants 
were all busy, the children were happy and more so 
when we threw them peanuts instead of pansies for 
thoughts. Men, women and oxen were carrying various 
loads, but the common one was a bamboo bucket affair 
balanced on both ends of a bamboo pole. These buckets 
were not filled with milk or cheese or vegetables, but 
with a human fertilizer which they had assiduously col- 
lected in accordance with the Scripture, ' ' Gather up the 
fragments that nothing be lost." I can never forget 



GOLIGHTLY 'EOUND THE GLOBE 65 

the ascent or the descent to Mogi. From rocky road, 
through pretty forest, by picturesque ravine we reached 
the fishermen's huts with their nets by the shore and 
beach, where bathing mermaids can only be caught and 
carried home in a camera. 

Here our '^rickies" rested while we went down to the 
wharf, bargained for a barge-shaped boat and its lone 
fisherman, who looked like Charon and smelt like carrion. 
He paddled us out to a pretty promontory overlooking 
the Inland Sea, where we snap-shotted ad libitum. I 
had heard and read ' ' No pictures here, ' ' because of the 
fortifications, but wondered at such lack of artistic 
appreciation, for there were many pictures here, and in 
spite of the mounted officer, who patrolled the shore, I 
got some of the best ever. 

THE JAPANESE 

Japan is no longer ''The Land of the Rising Sun," 
but an empire of meridian splendor. 

She has made more progress in fifty years than Europe 
in five hundred. 

Permanent advance is seen not only in military, naval, 
political and commercial lines, but in educational, social, 
moral and religious life as well. 

Her people are polite, patriotic, filial, aesthetic, stoical, 
generous and self-sacrificing. 

Politically Japan is a factor to be recognized now, 
and in the future dealt with in all international prob- 
lems. 



66 GOLIGHTLY 'BOUND THE GLOBE 

As Fuji-yama lifts his snow-crowned head above the 
plain, even so the late Mikado rose above all former 
rulers. 

He was a progressive spirit in science, art and educa- 
tion, the popularizing of government and the overthrow 
of China and Russia. Superstition reverenced him as 
a god and common sense revealed him a great human 
soul. 

New problems confront the new emperor. If he is 
to realize his father's plans the individual must be given 
his rights, and woman must be elevated, for government 
can only be in public what society is in the home. 

The young Japanese may admire the stoic sacrifice of 
General Nogi, but will prefer to live and work than die. 

The cities of Japan welcomed us with flags and friend- 
ship, and their mayors and officials spoke of commerce 
not carnage, and emphasized love and not hate. 

Japan acknowledges and appreciates the United 
States. The Pacific ocean no longer separates but unites 
ns. Her back is turned on Asia and Europe, but her 
hands in sympathy are extended to America. 

JAP-BAITERS 

The California alien land bill was something that 
would have disgraced hell in its palmiest days. 

It was a piece of political perfidy and rotten states 
rights — of proverbial buncombe — and of a race and re- 
ligious bigotry that made the Oriental heathen a Chris- 
tian saint in comparison. 



GOLIGHTLY 'EOUND THE GLOBE 67 

The alien and undesirable citizen is not the patient 
Jap, but the labor jingo politician who loudly protests 
of loyalty to the United States, but is more disloyal and 
with less reason than the South ever was. 

The Pacific states may well be jealous of the Jap; 
often his muscle is harder, his mind keener, his manners 
politer and his morals less vicious. 

It makes one ashamed to be an American. I have 
boasted of Old Glory's liberty, equality and fraternity 
the world over and gave away hundreds of flag-stick 
pins in Japan, but California stained its red, white and 
blue and made the dear flag a dirty rag. 

The Jap is our brother by creation, Providence and 
redemption ; we are his keeper, and woe to us if we act 
the part of Cain and are branded with the war-red mark 
of fratricidal murder. 

A CANTON NIGHTMARE 

Canton was the city we were forbidden to peek in 
when we reached Hong Kong. A pirate held a promon- 
tory on the Pearl river and to make an international 
row threatened to shoot up the Cleveland party. In 
addition hundreds of revolutionists in Canton and 
vicinity were making each other look like chunks of 
Swiss cheese. So the captain said, "We can't go," the 
American consul, "You musn't go," but in the willful 
spirit of those who break the Ten Commandments we 
broke away and went, having wired Ah Cum, a revolu- 
tionist, to be our guide and meet us. 



68 GOLIGHTLY 'EOUND THE GLOBE 

How to get away from Hong Kong and my wife now 
was a diplomatic question. That night I told her we 
would go ashore and see a show. However, she thought 
it strange that my boy should take a kodak when all we 
needed was an opera glass. She was suspicious, for when 
we were in the lighter she said, ''Are you two going to 
Canton?" I said, "No," and L. "Yes," in the same 
breath, whereupon she dryly remarked, "You two bet- 
ter agree before you attempt that trip." We did, she 
to return to the ship, we to strike out for the steamboat 
wharf. The captain of the British boat refused to take 
us, not that he personally objected to having us shot, 
but he was officially restrained. So we went to the 
French boat, whose captain greeted us as cordially as 
Lafayette did Washington. He politely led us by the 
hold full of traveling Chinks lying on their bellies like 
sardines in a box and chaperoned by a mildly murderous 
looking man, who stood over their iron-barred door 
loaded with gifts for them in the form of a belt of car- 
tridges, a sword and dirk and a bloody looking gun. He 
then took us to his cabin, where he entertained us with 
a description of the friendly reception his boat had 
received the night before, and when I seemed incredulous 
he took me to my room on the upper deck, where I had 
lago's "ocular proof" and left me. The marks of affec- 
tion were bullet holes in the door. They were unneces- 
sary for ventilation, for it was a cold, rainy night. I 
was half-frozen with fear and the scant drapery of my 
couch brought me no pleasant dreams, on the contrary 
I imagined the "death by the seventy-two cuts," and 
was brought back to life by Heck of Pittsburg, who with 



GOLIGHTLY 'BOUND THE GLOBE 69 

the fervor of a steel blast plant asked me what was 
the matter, 

I rose early, went out into the dampness and the cap- 
tain told me all of the terrible Chinese stories he had 
thought of since he had said good night. Toward morn- 
ing there was the grotesque outline of an old fort, a little 
island stained by some dark murder, a place where 
pirates had scuttled a ship, a picturesque pagoda look- 
ing like an eight-story Easter bonnet, Grecian-bend shaped 
junk boats and sampans, like big broken barrels float- 
ing along. Later scores of them swarmed by our side, 
natives nimble as monkies clambered over our decks, 
rushed to the Chinese passengers, dropped them and 
their bundles in their boats and ferried them off. For 
aught I knew my turn was next, but there ahead of us, 
"by the dawn's early light," I saw floating from the 
mast of a small gunboat the Star-Spangled banner and 
I knew I was ' ' free, ' ' because the American sailors were 
''brave." 

Now we met the guide, who said, "Ah cum with me," 
got down into a little boat, which resembled a log in 
a big jam and made our way to the Shameen, the For- 
eign Quarter, where we felt at home with its broad 
streets and fragrant flowers, in contrast with the narrow 
alleys and fearful smells we were to endure. Coolies 
carried us in coffin-shaped chairs to the Victoria hotel, 
where we registered so that if we were killed during the 
day they could send word to the insurance companies to 
settle with our relatives. By a six-foot sandbag and 
Jbarb wire top wall, which had served as a barricade for 
the last few days, I crossed a stinking canal, and en- 



70 GOLIGHTLY 'BOUND THE GLOBE 

tered the city it would take another Dante to describe. 

We were told to follow the leader, and that if our 
hats were knocked off, or we were struck by a brick, had 
a dead cat or rat thrust under our nose, or a bucket of 
an ill-smelling fluid thrown into our face, we were to 
smile, turn the other cheek and say thanks. This was 
good advice, for we were unarmed, the city was under 
military law, soldiers were at every gate and crossing 
patrolling the streets. Guns had just raked the walks 
and we were willing to hoe our own row. To the reader 
who says "Pooh, bah, there was no danger," had he 
been there he would have been out of sight with the 
terrified women and children. 

Cum led the way. The advance couriers gave a signal 
cry like a dog baying the moon and the crowd parted 
like the Red Sea before Moses. The streets were so nar- 
row and the show windows so near that I could have 
been a shoplifter with both hands, and there was a 
variety of stock to select from, silk and embroideries, 
carved wood and ivory, gold, silver, jade and feather- 
work; or if hungry there was a free lunch counter ex- 
tending along the streets with tea and rice, live fish and 
whitewashed looking fowls, glazed ducks, gory pigs, a 
choice assortment of fresh entrails, some dead dogs and 
rats, crates of yowling cats, huge cauldrons of slimy 
soup thickened with animal, vegetable and other matter 
that would make the "Witch's cauldron in Macbeth look 
like a cup of consomme in comparison. 

To aid digestion apothecary shops offered old orange 
and lemon peel, dried herbs and bladders, and if this 
proved unavailing on the way to the cemetery there 



GOLIGHTLY 'EOUND THE GLOBE ^l 

were many opportunities to select a suitable box in which 
to shujBSe off your mortal coil. Now and then we passed 
a jaded looking fellow carrying big blocks of jade, as 
if it were so many paving stones ; in a rickety old build- 
ing with rudest tools men carved a dozen ivory balls, one 
within another out of a single piece; I made no pur- 
chase, because "solid ivory" pinheads are very common 
in America ; at a jeweler shop I had a Kingfisher feather 
stickpin made which a New York thief later flew away 
with; there's a thread-needle street in London and one 
devoted to tailors here. Why so many I couldn't see, 
because in winter time the Cantonese only wear a pair 
of pants and in the summer only half of that. 

At the temple of the five hundred Genii, where the 
prayers of the holy had given way to the harangues of 
the politicians, we saw a gilded statue big as life of the 
first European globe-trotter to China, Marco Polo. Such 
a traveler was a novelty then, but now is a nuisance. 
We went by old walls whose painted dragons the new 
Chinese had wiped out ; by temples whose only occupants 
were a few second-hand gods and bats ; took time to visit 
the water clock tower, where drops of water instead of 
grains of sand mark the time of China's millions toward 
the grave; passed through gates of the old city wall to 
the hillside where hundreds had been shot and the Kevo- 
lution flag was flying; looked into the cemetery where 
the poor common people rest after life's fitful fever, 
while the restless rich, who shunned them in life, lie 
apart from them in the City of the Dead, visited by 
relatives who offer fruit and flowers to their departed 
spirits. Like mummies in a museum they sleep unburied 



72 GOLIGHTLY 'EOUKD THE GLOBE 

in their rich caskets and await the grafting geomancer, 
that oriental undertaker who promises the relaH;ives to 
find some place in the ground undisturbed by the Great 
Dragon. 

By the religious milestone of the five-storied weedy, 
seedy pagoda, where the oracles are dumb, we headed 
for the Execution grounds in the pottery district, where 
the sharp sword had sent many a man back to his orig- 
inal clay. China is becoming civilized now and stands 
her criminals up against a wall and shoots them. 

The execution ground was remote and in the riot dis- 
trict, but Cum was willing to risk it, and where he led 
we followed. Down by bullet-riddled streets and through 
curious crowds we came to this modern Aceldema. Here 
was a narrow alley lined with earthen pots covered with 
mats, under which were fleshless skulls. One of them 
seemed to look imploringly at me and I picked it up; 
alas some poor Chinese Yorick. I was anxious to see 
the man who struck the fearful blow and Cum called the 
executioner, who came out with a knife estimated to 
have cut off three hundred thousand heads in thirty 
years. Like Othello, his occupation was gone, and so to 
please him I gave him a piece of money and kneeled 
down while he lifted the razor-edge of the sword over 
my bared neck to give me a close shave. The photo 
shows the movement of the knife as if he moved it from 
force of habit, or was moved to do it because my neck 
looked so inviting. When I throw a slide of this in my 
lecture the audience sadly sighs, "What might have 
been." By this time a large crowd had come to see the 
unusual thing of a foreigner losing his head, though in 








im^ 



GOLIGHTLY 'EOUND THE GLOBE 73 

private and public I have often been in that predica- 
ment. Cum made a sign to a nearby soldier, showed his 
badge and the officer dispersed the crowd with a two- 
minute speeech, which translated meant '' There's noth- 
ing doing." So we came, saw and got away. 

In an ivory factory, where the men were at rest, we 
retired to a back room and worked our ivories on a 
light midday lunch of chicken, mutton, beef, pork, eggs, 
pickles, bread, cake and a few other tit-bits. But some- 
how the air outside and the cobwebs incide didn't make 
us ravenous, so we invited the coolies in and they 
shoveled it down in a way that reminded me of a time 
when I had forgotten the furnace and then hurried and 
piled in the coal. 

I went to the home of a wealthy mandarin, who had 
hastily left at the approach of the Revolutionists. The 
former living room was now a store room for the dis- 
play and sale of beautiful silks, but there was something 
more attractive to me than this, his pretty garden with 
trees, palms, flowers, lanterns and statues. A friend 
gave me a cigaret to smoke, but there were enough vile 
odors and I didn't want the city to blow up with spon- 
taneous combustion. On the way to the bund and the 
boat we met a political procession carrying flags and a 
banner inviting the people to come out to hear a big gun 
make a report on some burning issue. Buildings along 
the bund bore bullet-marks of recent date, soldiers were 
there and the people moved up and down with looks of 
anxiety, not knowing at what moment the soldiers might 
reduce the city's population by another five hundred. 
Cum left us at the boat. We paid him a good price for 



74 GOLIGHTLY 'EOUND THE GLOBE 

his service, but were well paid in return. If you want 
to see Canton he is the man who knows, and I gladly 
add tribute to the golden opinions which he and his 
family have won from worldwide travelers. The boat 
was steaming up, but there was a little time left. I 
asked the captain where to go. He said, "If you're wise 
you won't go anywhere; just hang around the wharf." 
I did. 

Near the shore there was a dump heap, and crawling 
over it a something I couldn't distinguish as man or 
beast. Going down to investigate I found it was both. 
An old man half -blind and ragged was using his talon 
faagernails as lunch hooks for stuff a well-bred pig would 
never touch. The sight was touching. He touched me 
for a piece of silver and L. kodaked the scene. I had 
read and heard of that peculiar form of warfare — ^how 
the Chinese hurl stink-pots at their enemies and over- 
come them; it seemed strange then, but I understand it 
now. There must be a shop near by where they manu- 
facture tin cans, bottles and earthen jars, fill them with 
Canton smells and ship them to the front. 

The misnomered Pearl river before me was dirty, 
covered with old boats and driftwood sampans, many of 
whose occupants are born, live, labor and die without 
ever coming ashore. There were men lounging or pol- 
ing, roosters crowing, women cooking, and children 
fastened by ropes to mother' waists or posts to keep 
them from being drowned. These houseboats are 
famous. The flower boats used to be infamous with 
their deviltry and disease, but the Vice Commission has 
put them out of business. 



GOLIGHTLY 'BOUND THE GLOBE 75 

Bayard Taylor said China was a good place to leave, 
and we were not so sorry when the whistle blew to cast 
off and say good-bye to the city of dreadful sights, 
sounds, suffering and smells, yet I felt thoroughly re- 
paid for the danger, the dirt and the dollars the day 
had cost. 

"SAVING FACE" 

There was one thing in Canton I missed that I will 
always regret — ^the wonderful spectacle the captain told 
me he had seen by the wharf some time before. A 
sampan man had beaten his wife and thrown her on 
the dock, where she sat and chanted in a monotonous 
voice while a hundred men gathered round and watched 
the interesting ceremony. She referred to her husband 
and his ancestors, then scraped up a little pile of dirt, 
spat on it, moulded it into the image of a man, and 
addressing it with a few words suddenly knelt and 
foully insulted it, and so eased her conscience, or bal- 
anced the books of honor and saved her face. The 
philosophy is as subtle as strange, and there are four 
hundred million people who daily practice it. That act 
closed the incident ; by it she was avenged, her husband 
was punished, she had satisfied her honor as wife and 
would go back home to the sampan and act as if her lord 
had never mistreated her. The Chinese always were 
good philosophers, and it would be well if some other 
people who suffer from real or imagined insult, and are 
always grouchy because they can neither forgive nor 
forget, would practice "saving face," and so save them- 
selves and others a lot of misery. 



76 GOLIGHTLY 'BOUND THE GLOBE 

MACAO'S JOINTS 

The river ride to Macao was beautiful, the setting 
sun turned the Pearl into a Golden river, the pagodas 
and fields into a landscape picture with a golden frame 
and our thoughts to the supper table with its golden 
butter, oranges, eggs and cakes, which we were glad to 
exchange for gold. We were to reach Macao at mid- 
night, and leaving an early call, took a short sleep 
after our long day's work. The whistle waked us and 
going out on deck we were surprised to find officers on 
the wharf embracing the coolies as if to relieve them of 
their hard won spoils of fan-tan which they had won 
during the night, but the honest officials were only search- 
ing for concealed arms, but found only those which 
Nature had allowed and provided. 

We were in the old Portuguese town of Macao, once 
noisy and busy, now still and sleepy as the night around 
us, and Kvened only by our stumbling up the stony 
streets, the howl of a dog and the halloo of a drunk. 
Lured by will o' the wisp lamp we walked from pillar 
to post of one hotel to another before we could get any- 
body to understand that we wanted to get something to 
eat and drink and have a midnight serenade from lady 
musicians who sing and play. After bribes and en- 
treaties we had a limited entertainment. Our applause 
to the fair dames' screeching, squeaking and scraping 
brought up the servants to share the sport and brought 
down the malediction of the older people, who won- 
dered what pirates were looting the house. These Por- 
tuguese did all they could for our entertainment, but the 



GOLIGHTLY 'EOUND THE GLOBE 77 

talent was poor and the time was tame compared with 
some nights I had spent in Lisbon. 

Gambling, next to loafing and the manufacture of 
opium, is the principal occupation of the youngest and 
oldest inhabitants. We hied away, hiked through dark, 
echoing streets to where a first-class fan-tan game was 
in progress. Macao is the oriental Monte Carlo. Backed 
by the government it gets back a certain percent of the 
earnings which it invests in hospitals, asylums and cheap 
lodgings for the people who have been beaten at the 
game. You could gamble at the big table downstairs 
or drop into the game by lowering your money in a 
small basket from the balcony above. Tired of the game 
you could eat, thirsty get a drink, or if sleepy take the 
opium pipe train of thought to where every day is 
Sunday. All I lost here was time and sleep, so I made 
haste to get back to the boat, which was to be my hotel 
till eight the next morning, when a Christian Portuguese 
guide was to show me the proper way of seeing the town. 

MAKING OPIUM 

He came bright and early; we followed him along 
the shore, which had an ancient and fish-like smell; 
by pyramids of fresh fish that looked like pearl, and 
other fish like dry piles of sand, to the world-famed 
opium factory that supplies so much of the sleepy 
drug. We entered a low-ceiling room Kvhere men 
were stripped to the waist like blacksmiths at their 
forge. They picked up the crude opium, shaped like 
a coeoanut shell, scooped out its chocolate looking 



78 GOLIGHTLY 'KOUKD THE GLOBE 

substance, threw it in a kind of brass wash-basin 
under which roared the fire, until it steamed and blub- 
bered like a pot of hot mush or molasses. They darted 
here and there, like imps, with these pans. Then the 
liquid was poured in porcelain boxes of various sizes. 
The whole place seemed like the stoke-room of some 
infernal suburb or the Devil's smithy shop where chains 
were being forged for lost souls. The odor was pecu- 
liar and penetrating. I must have absorbed some of 
the dope, for I felt dizzy and was glad to get outside 
in the fresh air. I wanted to buy some to take home 
as a souvenir; it was against the law, but there was 
so much smuggling I knew I could get some in my 
home town. Like Saul and David, drink hath slain 
its thousands and opium its tens of thousands. An 
occasional De Quincey or Coleridge is too high a price 
to pay for the terrible habit. 

A JOSS HOUSE 

However, some people prefer tobacco and so we 
visited a factory where little children and old women 
were at work sorting tobacco leaves. It was a sorry 
sight, but it was about the only reputable thing for 
them to do in this semi-Christian town of gambling 
and opium smoking. After opium and tobacco fac- 
tories it was about time to attend religious services, 
so we headed for a Chinese temple. The portals were 
decorated by acrobatic fish who stood on their heads, 
and for joy I was almost willing to do the same thing 
when I learned I could enter without taking off my 



GOLIGHTLT 'BOUND THE GLOBE 79 

shoes. Here I saw an elderly woman seriously flipping 
"fortune-sticks" into the air. The position they fell 
into showed whether she was to have good or bad luck. 
It was long before they landed just right, then she 
smiled and made an offering of a tray full of solid 
food and dessert to a wooden, dyspeptic looking god, 
which would have feasted a laborer and his family for 
several days. She lighted some joss-sticks, stuck 
them in the sand and left the temple as happy as 
some of her Christian sisters on Easter morning who 
remember nothing of the pastor's sermon and every- 
thing of the new style which knelt before them, and 
hurry home happy in the thought that by next Sunday 
they will have something just like it or a little better. 
Later in the day we saw the earthquake ruin of the 
old Jesuit church of San Paulo. At the hotel I asked 
why it had not been rebuilt and an intelligent looking 
Chinaman who spoke English said: '*We no need it — ■ 
we come here first, they make religion like ours, we 
just as good.'* I smiled, said nothing but thought a 
good deal as I had at other times and places when 
the same problem came up, in a different guise. 

FIRE CRACKERS 

Since this was our guide's native town, he knew 
everybody and could take us everywhere. From public 
park along the road he led us to private park with 
garden and pond, in the center of which was a rest- 
pagoda, and through the house, royal and rich in fur- 
nishing. Then our rickies rolled along the avenue 
drive where instead of lake was a beautiful bay — on 



80 GOLIGHTLY 'BOUND THE GLOBE 

by lighthouse and up slope to fire-cracker factories, 
where men, women and children were walking barefoot 
among the powder rooms, or in the near-by houses were 
doubling and rolling the red paper and inserting the 
fuses and packing the fire-crackers by the million, so 
there would be enough to frighten away the evil spirits 
there, and make glorious our Fourth of July, trans- 
lating the word liberty into light, noise and powder 
smell except where such celebration had been crowded 
out by a ''long" visit to the cemetery, listening to a 
dead oration, carrying a paper flag, eating peanuts 
and quaffing pink lemonade. Then we rode along the 
highway to Canton as far as the boundary gate between 
the Portuguese and Chinese territory, and watched the 
weary travelers, oddly dressed and heavily loaded with 
household goods, disappear in the distance toward the 
hills beyond which lay Canton, the end of their journey. 
We hadn't been to a gambling place since midnight 
and passing a large skating-rink-like looking building 
which was a lottery we jammed our way through the 
door, where we saw thousands of natives watch the 
big wheel go round and their fortunes up and down 
with it. One hand of the government turns this wheel 
and with the other takes enough of the gambling 
money to support the city, the home church and for- 
eign missions. 

A PERSECUTED POET 

The next thing on the program was the grotto of 
Camoens, Portugal's greatest poet, who was banished 
here for writing a satire that showed up the graft of 



GOLIGHTLY 'BOUND THE GLOBE gl 

some Portuguese officials. The sixteen years' dreary- 
night of his banishment here brought out the stars of 
his genius, which shine in the ''Lusiad," his nation's 
greatest epic. There is little poetic inspiration in 
Macao now; there was when he was there, but it 
winged its flight when the poor man returned to Lisbon 
and died in a public hospital. 

The Portuguese is a difficult and almost impossible 
language, and when the tourist tries to read or trans- 
late some of Camoens' verses, inscribed on the marble 
in the grotto, his bust just above it seems to smile and 
say, *'If you want to be happy don't write or read 
poetry." We were taken to the hotel, to be served 
on the balcony, look at the quiet bay and the lovely 
islands, and the Cleveland party, steaming in, rush 
for rickshaws, trail along the beach like a sea-serpent 
and try to see all that we had in two short hours be- 
fore their boat whistled ''all aboard." 

HOSPITALITY 

After dinner, mistaking a private residence for a 
public club, my knock was answered by the owner, 
who, instead of setting his dogs on us, welcomed us in 
broken . English, showed us his flower garden and col- 
lections of books, paintings and porcelain. When I 
opened the piano and played he opened a bottle of 
something that perfumed the whole room and "tasted 
like more." Had I been his prospective rich son-in- 
law he couldn't have done more for me, and so, after 
taking pictures of his attractive home, wife and chil- 



82 GOLIGHTLY 'BOUND THE GLOBE 

dren, we took our leave. I lost my umbrella and he 
summoned servants to look for it and personally 
brought it to me, not because it was not worth keeping, 
but "maybe you'll want it before you get home." The 
Portuguese are great discoverers, so was I to discover 
one man in the world who would return a good 
umbrella. 

Once on the boat and headed for Hong Kong, we 
were besieged by our tourist friends, who looked at 
our Canton revolutionary badges and asked us how we 
dared go without them. The truth seemed stranger 
than fiction when I told them some things I have 
already written and others I have neither time, space 
nor inclination to print. They looked surprised and 
skeptical, as if they wished I had never gone there or 
had not escaped alive. "Sour grapes" are too fre- 
quent diet with many tourists. Once away from this 
madding throng of questioners, and where that Sunday 
afternoon I could commune with my heart and be 
still, I felt that if John the Divine had been aboard 
the scenery would have suggested a new description 
of the Eiver and Tree of Life. 

HONG KONG 

John Milton was called the "celestial thief," and 
John Bull tried to imitate him by drugging John China- 
man with opium. When he resisted and fought for his 
life John Bull grew very red in the face, pushed his 
low crowned hat over his forehead, and, like Bill Sikes 
with bull dog and cane, slugged him and grabbed the 
swag. Hong Kong, which he calls "indemnity." 



GOLIGHTLY 'EOUND THE GLOBE 83 

"Victoria" is the English name for Hong Kong, a 
** queenly" city enthroned on a mountain that over- 
looks a harbor filled with sails and smokestacks from 
everywhere. 

What the Eijffiel tower is to Paris Victoria peak is to 
Hong Kong, and the first thing the traveler wants to 
do is to get on top. So sallow, sulky Chinks rushed 
us to the station. I am generally spotted at home, but 
here incog. I was jiggled and jogged and jerked to a 
kind of half-way house where we could either take a 
sedan, or guide, or to our heels and go to the top. 
I took the last and got there first. I gazed north, 
south, east and west and felt the poet's "mist in my 
face and fog in my throat." Looking at the Marconi 
just over my head, I wished I could send a message 
for relief. I found it by going down to a hotel where 
I bought some pictures and post-cards of the scenes 
I had missed. Victoria peak, like woman, is coy and 
uncertain. 

In the wide-streeted, well built city I was constantly 
mistaking haberdasher shops for royal residences, but 
discovered the difference by the cool reception of 
the one and the cordiality of the other. There were 
only two things I purchased here, a white helmet to 
keep a cool head and a little book of oriental philosophy 
to keep sweet-tempered in the terrible tropics which 
were hereafter to be the polite name for a profane 
place one might be inclined to invite his dearest 
enemy. Taking a rubber-neck car-ride along the shore, 
we fell in with an American sailor who was as glad 
to learn we were from the States as a colored Georgia 



84 GOLIGHTLY 'EOUKD THE GLOBE 

gentleman is to find a watermelon. He pointed with 
pride to the little boat of which he was engineer, told 
of np-river China trips and encounters with pirates 
that made my few hairs porcupinish, and that this same 
boat once had as ballast, bags of gold taken from a 
Spanish cruiser in the late war. 

At night the city from bay to peak and along the 
streets sparkled with electric lights as the stars over- 
head. There was to be a star performance at a Chi- 
nese theatre and we left the glory of the outside for 
the glare of the inside. There was a full house, so 
we were seated on the stage. The play was melodra- 
matic and in places ''quite rotten." There were no 
women on the stage except the tourists because the 
Chinese actresses are men. The orchestra at the back 
of the stage played a timeless, tuneless thing which 
probably incited the performers to commit murder and 
suicide so often. The thing that caught me more than 
play or players was the audience. They sat through 
it all, laughing and crying, smoking cigarettes, drink- 
ing tea, eating rice and sweets, much as some society 
people do in our theatres to keep awake, be social and 
fill up the emptiaess of the performance. 

LOST 

When my Hong Kong guide dies he will go to the 
limbo of liars and I wanted to send him there that 
night. Leaving the theatre, we asked to see the sights 
of the town. He said there were none and tried to 
hustle us to the ship. The party wanted to see the 



GOLIGHTLY 'EOUND THE GLOBE 85 

palatial Chinese clubs and resorts. He said the ladies 
could not go and tried to compromise on a bazaar, al- 
though Mabel said this was awful. Here we left the 
ladies with a Sikh policeman to show them around, 
while we rushed down the hill and entered the exclu- 
sive Chinese club house and gardens where wealthy 
natives were eating, drinking, smoking and telling the 
girls stories. There was some class if no character to 
this club, because no white man could spend a dollar 
in it. Returning to the bazaar, we met the ladies of 
the party and told them our experience and asked 
theirs — ^it was just like ours, for they had visited a 
similar place near by. 

Starting back, our colossal idiot guide, without tell- 
ing the coolies where he was going, simply said, "Fol- 
low me, ' ' This was difficult, the streets were dark, we 
got in a mix and smash up, my coolie had his leg cut, 
and finally limped away and left me alone. Lost in 
London was nothing to this, and before I could get 
another coolie our party had disappeared. From twelve 
till two a. m. I went to places and took in sights that 
were not included in the itinerary. In the meantime 
the guide and the rest of the party had landed at the 
pier, and when Mrs. M. asked where I was he consoled 
her by saying : ' ' He went into a saloon to get a drink. ' ' 
My wife stood up for me and said I didn't drink, and 
that if I did I wouldn't go alone and get a drink, and 
that he had lost me and I might be robbed and killed. 
By this time I was tired of my joy-ride, for he had 
even taken me to the fort. I was so furious he 
thought I ought to be in the guard house. Nothing 



86 aOLIGHTLY 'BOUND THE GLOBE 

remained but the wharf, and as I was a foreigner and 
ought to be shipped home he headed for the pier. 
"When I appeared in the distance under an electric 
light I heard a very familiar voice, "There he is!" 
Yes, I was, the kidnapped husband had returned. I 
began to roast the guide where she left off, then we 
roasted him together and ended by telling the low- 
browed Briton that for ways dark and tricks vain 
he was worse than any Heathen Chinee, dead or alive. 
Feeling relieved, I went to my boat and bed, a "sadder 
and a wiser man," to dream that some people are as 
bad as they look, but this guide was a great deal 
worse. 

JOHN CHINAMAN 

China's history runs back to the twilight of uncer- 
tainty and the night of forgetfulness. Her people are 
as numerous as the sands of the sea — ^her mines are 
filled with mineral wealth and her forests abound in 
the most valuable woods ; her religion is ancestral and 
literary, harking back to the time of Confucius; her 
education includes philosophy, art and science; her 
inventions of chart and compass, printing and powder 
are among the greatest and earliest. 

The Dragon of old China has been slain by the angel 
of Republicanism. Tennyson's couplet is revised to 
read, "Better fifty years of Cathay than a cycle of 
Europe." China has made more progress in customs 
and laws, education, missions, railroads, ships and news- 
papers in a decade than in many previous centuries. 

Instead of beheading she cuts off queues; no longer 



GOLIGHTLY 'BOUND THE GLOBE 87 

strangles women, but unbinds their feet; has dumped 
overboard opium as our forefathers did the tea, and 
made a bonfire of the pipes to celebrate the event. 
The well-educated man now must know something be- 
sides the classics and in dress has adopted European 
styles. America feels complimented that Sun Yat Sen 
was educated in her schools, that the Old Empire has 
adopted a republican form of government and had 
enough faith in Christianity to ask to be remembered 
in her prayers. 

China may not be a model of virtue, but she is not 
as flagrant as some of her sister Eastern countries and 
as flaunting as her brothers in the West. Political 
* 'squeeze" graft is less reputable in public life, 
while high honor and honesty characterize private 
business. Though by nature vindictive, superstitious 
and addicted to gambling, there is filial love of parents, 
alive or dead, which is worthy of imitation. 

"The Yellow Peril" is more the American press 
than the Chinese. All they ever wanted was to be 
let alone. 

Americans are better liked in China than any other 
nation in spite of sandlot hoodlumism. In 1798 we had 
a consulate at Canton. "We never trafficked in her 
opium, or sought to grab Chinese territory, and re- 
turned the Boxer steal indemnity. 

There are worse people today from other nations 
in our country and possessions than the Chinese. Their 
heathen attitude toward us has often been more Chris- 
tian than ours to them. We can afford to be friendly 
to the biggest and wealthiest nation of Asia, whose 



88 GOLIGHTLY 'BOUND THE GLOBE 

four hundred millions are awake and have set out on a 
march that will ultimately affect the destiny of Europe 
and America. 

MANILA FRIENDS 

You might as well hang a dog as give it a bad name, 
and this was about true of the natives of those islands 
which were called the Philippines after Philip II of 
Spain, the bigoted butcher who tried to sail his soul 
to heaven on seas of Christian blood. They may still 
have a bad name, but they have a better nature. In 
legislation, education, sanitation and toleration they 
have made more progress in ten years under Uncle 
Sam than under Spanish misrule in centuries, 

I felt more at home iu Manila than anywhere on 
the trip. The waves of the bay said, ''Hello"; Old 
Glory clapped her starry hands; and before I got 
ashore my friend Easthagen of Minneapolis met me at 
the gang plank with a "Hello, Golightly," pushed me 
into an auto for a fifty-mile ride over Aguinaldo battle- 
fields where he had fought; by public schools filled 
with native children who cheered and scrambled for 
the flags I flung them; by a convent Dewey used as 
target, and another that had served as a war-barracks 
but now was a peaceful reform school ; by wallows full 
of big-horned, mild-eyed cariboo and villages swarming 
with naked children, whose mothers were working hard 
to clothe them to the tune of Singer machines. 

Baseball is America's national sport, Spain's a bull 
fight and a cock fight the Philippines'. If his hut 



GOLIGHTLY 'BOUND THE GLOBE 89 

was burning up a Filipino would try and save the prize 
rooster before he did his wife or baby. In Manila the 
rooster is a rara avis — we had heard so much about 
him and his feats that I wanted to see him in action, 
so I adjourned to a churchyard, where a cock-pit was 
improvised in front of the cathedral door, and sol- 
emnly looked on at a prize-rooster fight. The fine 
points of the game that most appealed to me were the 
long spurs and the sharp beaks, but as I was chicken- 
hearted and didn't want any bloodshed, I called the 
thing off. 

In the evening the Army and Navy Club gave a ball, 
Shriners and Elks entertained and all the passengers 
had a good time, no one had a dry time, and in the 
early morning I helped one of them up the gang who 
had "gang agley" and found grief and pain for prom- 
ised joy. As usual, the ladies were captured with brass 
buttons, and danced and flirted to their heart's delight. 
They say a lion is a terrible thing among ladies, but 
when it comes to breaking hearts the soldier is the 
conquering hero and king beast. 

Speaking of Manila hospitality, I want to mention 
an American named Maddox whom I met by accident. 
He ran a livery and garage just to be a good fel- 
low; although the weather was warm and he was fat 
he walked long distances with me, went sight seeing 
and when I was thirsty he gave me a drink — of lemo- 
nade — and his auto, on a rush order, for Mrs. M. to 
have a tooth pulled. Easthagen and Maddox were a 
sample of the hospitality which the city of Manila ex- 
tended the Cleveland party, despite the oral statement 



90 GOLIGHTLY 'BOUND THE GLOBE 

of any boat officer or paid correspondent of the cruises 
to the contrary. Manila not only offered us the glad 
hand of welcome, but dug down with the other to pay 
the bill for entertainment over and above that included 
in the cruise. Gladly and generously merchants shut 
up their shops, opened their homes and at a sacrifice 
of time and money said there wasn 't anything too good 
for an American. Judge Elliott, then governor of the 
islands, now in Minneapolis, told me the city's enter- 
tainment of the tourist was paid from a fund voted 
for the purpose and that any one who denied it was 
either mistaken or malicious. 

The Green Kiver, on which you are guaranteed a 
sail "without a headache," seems to have many tribu- 
taries all over the world — ^here a big sign on the river- 
bank said Green River, but the geography says the 
Pasig. Both rivers seem to be much in use, the former 
for drinking purposes and the latter as a "chaser." 
"We launched by warehouses, factories and thatched 
huts standing on stilts to keep dry, with a background 
of bamboo; by women washing their hair, their chil- 
dren, or the family clothes; by boys swimming; by 
the water-loving caribou who deserts driver and load 
and plunges in the river where he hides all but his 
nose. One of them stood in the water with a girl on 
his back like Europa and the bull, while natives dredged 
the river by using their feet as shovels to scoop the 
mud up in buckets which they dived down to lift up 
and unload. 

When you visit the Manila hospital you almost wish 
you were sick. It beats some seaside resorts and is so 



GOLIGHTLY 'BOUND THE GLOBE 91 

beautifully situated and big that it's breezy on the 
hottest day and to every patient. Uncle Sam not only 
takes care of his nephews and nieces when they are 
sick, but tries to keep them well, for he sends an in- 
spector to their homes to see that they are free from 
bugs and that the inmates take a bath. 

The best manual school with manual training and 
domestic science in the world is here. I stopped and 
looked in one, and when I looked in they stopped, so I 
went in another room where Filipino boys and girls 
were rehearsing *'As You Like It." There was no 
doubt that they did — I liked it so much that I said 
some nice things privately to the pretty American 
teacher. The students wondered what I was trying 
to do and acted as if they didn't like it, so the teacher 
told me to talk to them, which I did in a compli- 
mentary way without telling them what I had told her. 

IN JAIL 

The most famous school in the world, in a way, is 
the Bilibid prison, where the five thousand pupils are 
not only taught a trade for their hands, but to think 
right with their heads and feel right with their hearts. 
The object here is not revenge but reformation. After a 
day's work they listen to the band, salute the flag and 
spend the evening at night school or looking at pic- 
tures and listening to some lecture. The prisoners are 
taught music that they may enter the band, and the 
band plays well. I know some other bands that ought 
to be there — but not to play, just as a punishment for 
the crimes they have incited other men to commit. 



92 GOLIGHTLY 'BOUND THE GLOBE 

Grarroting was an old Spanish form of punishment. 
The victim sat in a chair while the photographer-look- 
ing executioner adjusted a rest at the back of his neck, 
asked him to smile and look pleasant, as if he were 
about to have his picture taken, turned the screw and 
"snapped" his neck. If this seemed positively cruel 
there was a negative result. I sat in this grim chair, 
native prisoners, just arrested, had a front seat to the 
show, Easthagen adjusted the neck rest and L. 
snapped me — with the kodak. The garroting chair is 
second-hand furniture now and has been succeeded by 
the modern electric chair. How many people have 
been rocked to eternal sleep by these two chairs. They 
are bad chairs to fall asleep in. Let us be good and 
keep awake. 

Fort McKinley is one of the biggest and best army 
posts in all the world and is a fitting memorial to the 
mind and heart of the martyr president whose prayer 
for "benevolent assimilation" has been answered. 

After the river trip we came back to the city. By 
the shore was the little boat "Can Do" which at- 
tempted to do what the Cleveland had done, but was 
wrecked off Borneo, the wild graveyard coast where lie 
*-iie skeleton ribs of many a gallant ship. 

The city was a hive of industry and the stores filled 
with everything you want or don't want to wear, to 
eat or to drink; you dodge caribou in the street as a 
matador does a bull; on the corners jostle men who 
seem to have nothing to do but wear white suits, Manila 
hats, carry a cane and smoke Manila rope; ogle the 
dark-haired, black-eyed Filipino girls wearing bright- 




o 



^ 



H 

O 
I— I 

o 



GOLIGHTLY 'EOUND THE GLOBE 93 

colored skirts, large sleeved and collared waists of 
native cloth so gauzy and transparent that we won- 
dered where Nature ended and art began. 

All roads lead to the Luneta, where gather every 
night Manila's beauty and chivalry. People walk and 
talk, and look and laugh, and lounge and listen, the 
band plays Sousa and American airs, the natives go 
to their homes and we to the ship to think of and pray 
for those so near and yet so far. 

COL. NUTTY 

Of course Colonel Nutty had something to say in 
the club about America taking over the Philippines. 
It was a shame, he declared, and the unpardonable sin 
against the Monroe doctrine. If he had not already 
been ''cracked" he should have been knocked down 
by the club. 

I believe the Filipino was a foundling placed by 
Providence on Uncle Sam's doorstep. The laws of 
Heaven and humanity made him hear its cry, take it 
in, wash it, clothe it, send it to school, to church where 
it could conscientiously worship God, and set it to 
work at whatever its hand could best do. 

Now when young Filipino is self-supporting, but still 
needs a guiding hand, Uncle Sam is asked to turn him 
out doors to be kidnapped, robbed and enslaved by 
neighbor nations. 

Colonel Nutty and his whole family know as much 
about the Philippine problem as the foreigner did of 
English, at the banquet, when he asked the waiter to 
pass him the "compost." 



24: GOLIGHTLY 'BOUND THE GLOBE 

TABLE MANNERS 

It was hot as Hades as we neared the equator. One 
day at lunch my table neighbor appeared in a natty 
silk shirt with sleeves rolled up. Before he could wet 
his lips with water or soup the chief steward came 
and asked him to put on his coat. Doctor Mockett 
wanted to know why a lady could sit with low-neck 
and short sleeves but a man had to wear a coat. The 
steward answered "It is the style." That settled it, 
he put on his coat and shut up. It is to laugh. A man 
boasts of freedom, but woman takes some "liberties" 
he is not allowed. When fickle Fashion sways her 
scepter woman takes off some wraps and man wraps 
himself up in more. 

Ours was always a well "bread" party. Pillsbury 
did his "best" and Fleischmann could always make a 
^'raise." 

CROSSING THE EQUATOR 

The equator is an imaginary line, but I'm not lying 
when I say I was nearly drowned in crossing it. Nep- 
tune boarded the boat the night before and said we 
would have to wash up before we entered his domain, 
and that he would send somebody to do the job. The 
next day strange men climbed over the boat with rope 
whiskers and sea-weed in their hair, fantastically 
garbed, snorting like sea-monsters and to the accom- 
paniment of weird music sat down to a tribunal erected 
over a big canvas tank of seawater. Certain persons 
who seemed to need a bath more than others were 
selected. I was one, and was asked whether I'd have a 
ishave or haircut. I pulled off my white duck suit to 



GOLIGHTLY 'BOUND THE GLOBE 95 

the amusement of the spectators and a moment later 
they gasped to see me shed my underwear, and the cap- 
tain was about to stop this Mary Garden disrobing act 
when he discovered I had on a bathing suit underneath. 
Opening my mouth to answer a question it was filled 
with a bucket of soapsuds, a barrel stave razor was 
drawn over my face and I was pushed backwards and 
fell into the hands of some Neptune villains, who ducked 
me three times until my face was black as their bodies. 
If death is the absence of breath I was nearer the need 
of an undertaker than ever before. In the struggle for 
life a heavy ring was torn from my finger, but when I 
got my breath and ring back I used the one as a brass 
knuckle and the other to object to burial in a watery 
grave. Then I was politely kicked through a canvas 
tube, drenched with a hose and came out christened with 
the fitting name of *' Boot-Mark," and later given a cer- 
tificate which entitled me to sail all the seas without 
further scrubbing. As a Baptist I had taken my medi- 
cine and the Paedo-Baptists who had laughingly wit- 
nessed the ceremony suddenly became candidates for 
sprinkling. A fire hose which had looked like a torpid 
snake became active and hissed a stream of water over 
hats, waists, coats and kodaks, and I was the best man,, 
for I laughed last. 

JAVA 

You can't beat the Dutch in home-government in Hol- 
land, or colonial government at Java. The fact is that 
the best we have in American civilization is but a 
homeopathic preparation of Holland-Dutch dope. 



96 GOLIGHTLY 'BOUND THE GLOBE 

Java is an island where most of the mountains and all 
of the men smoke. Its canals reminded me of Amster- 
dam and the other profane-named cities of Holland. 
Here the transplanted Dutch thrive like tulips in their 
native land. These Java burghers eat big meals, smoke 
long pipes, take many naps and the circumference of 
their waist-line would do for illustrations in spherical 
trigonometry. They are hearty and happy, but seemed 
haughty to some of the tourists because they didn't rush 
down to the boat, kiss them and offer them a pipe of 
Peace. Mein Herr is so prosperous that most of his time 
is spent in counting his guilders without waiting on the 
tourist to get a few more. 

We were called bright and early and it only took 
about half a day to make the landing a couple miles 
away. The Dutch are proverbially slow, every little 
boy's name is loaded with all the letters of the alphabet, 
and the towns require some additional vowels and con- 
sonants. But as a diamond represents a load of char- 
coal even so the Dutch name Batavia includes Tandjong 
Priok and Weltevreden. 

From sea-port to capital palace the train wheezed 
by little grass houses perched on poles like martin boxes 
in a forest of foliage and flowers. At the station we 
were dumped into a dos-a-dos, a two-wheeled sulky cart, 
and sitting back to back like pouting lovers were jolted 
by park, palace, street, store, and canals which the little 
brown-skinned people use as public baths and laundries 
and where nothing offends the critical eye or nose of 
those who pass by. 

But it was different at the big Museum, where the 



GOLIGHTLY 'BOUND THE GLOBE 97 

imioceiit traveler saw a lot of hideous idols and indecent 
symbols not mentioned in the catalogue or guide book, 
or referred to above a whisper in polite society. These 
Javanesers were the limit. Its specimens of art, archi- 
tecture, idols, utensils, arms, dress and ornament are 
numberless and make a magnificent pile of junk, and at 
first glance seem to be of no special value save to some 
superannuated savant, musty antiquarian or the man 
who advertises his profession by the sign of the three 
gold balls over the front door. Half-hypnotized with 
the heat and tropical surroundings L. and I decided 
to flee to the mountains; we woke up the busy station 
agent, who was taking his afternoon nap and asked for 
a ticket to the hill country. He rubbed his eyes and 
told us to go to Bandong. I was surprised at this invita- 
tion to go back to the farm, but concluded it was proper, 
because we looked so much like hoboes. Since the train 
was due there at night and went no further till the 
next morning I thought I might as well be *' stalled" 
there as anywhere, so I wired ahead for accommodation. 



BANDONG 

Everybody is supposed to have money in Java, so the 
roads boost the fares between the cities in proportion 
to their altitude above the sea level. I wasn't president 
of the road or the United States so I traveled second- 
class and had a first-class time. A fruit and vegetable 
diet is recommended to foreigners in the tropics and 
when the train stopped at a little mountain town with 



98 GOLIGHTLT 'BOUND THE GLOBE 

a high-sounding name I bought some fruit from a pretty 
Javanese girl, who was very anxious to sell. It was a 
bunch of ramboutans that looked like a round red 
cushion jSUed with needles and was as tempting as the 
apple Eve gave Adam. But appearances are deceitful; 
instead of vegetable it was a carnivorous diet, for the 
fruit was the meeting place for Java ants and all their 
cousins. Just then the waiter came in with a call for 
dinner. He saw my plight, brushed the pests from my 
face, hands and clothing and said they had something fit 
to eat in the car just ahead. I followed. The fare was 
of high quality, including the bill. 

The chugging, whistling little train pulled us by rice 
fields, coffee plantations where they raise fine tea, shady 
clumps of bread-fruit and banana trees ; up hills, crawl- 
ing over spider-web trestles, leaning over lovely valleys 
watered by silver streams; past tiny villages with tre- 
mendous names; through thickets once the haunt of 
rhinoceros and tiger, now driven far away by the scream 
of the locomotive, till we at last met the courier clouds 
which had been journeying towards us, and were 
among the mountains, where peaks of extinct volcanoes 
glowed as if alive in the red rays of the setting sun 
until put out by a second Deluge, which made us look 
about for some Ararat on which to land. The lightning 
lightened, the thunder thundered and the rain rained 
till the trainmen feared the roadbed would be swept 
away and the train toppled over the side to the valley 
below. But the rainbow promise held good and over its 
arch we bridged our way in safety to Bandong, the 
Preanger Washington, where both Dutch and Javanese 



GOLIGHTLY 'EOUND THE GLOBE 99 

rulers hang out. Here is a fine view of rangy mountains 
in the south, and a race course, which of course the 
human race flocks to as in London or Lexington. On 
the way to the hotel we saw the aloon-aloon and missigit, 
in plain English a big square and mosque. Our wire 
had been received and though the Preanger hotel was 
full we were given a big Dutch dinner and then escorted 
to a nearby bungalow with wide veranda, where the 
natives could camp and watch us as we took a plunge 
in a tub sunk into the floor like a toy cellar, or climbed 
into a high Dutch bed covered with a mosquito-barred 
eage, through which savage mosquitos tried to enter and 
little lizards lovingly looked in. 

Like the usual stranger in town we wanted to look 
around before we closed our eyes. There were broad 
Sapolia cleaned streets, inviting homes and gardens; 
farther on a moving picture show, which was packed to 
the doors, so we strolled to the market, where under the 
glare of a little torch, sitting on the sidewalk, a greasy 
cook was toasting, brown as his body, a chop-suey med- 
ley of meat and table vegetables, which though he care- 
lessly seasoned, the hungry laborer ate as if it were a 
banquet for the gods. Twenty-four hundred feet above 
sea level one can eat anything. 

Relying more on Yankee alarm clocks than Java 
natives to wake us early for our train we walked over 
their prostrate bodies to the street, where the carriage 
met us and rumbled through the sleepy town to the 
station, where we had to wait for the agent and engineer 
to get out of bed. Once started there was an ever- 
rolling panorama to Buitenzorg. The washouts of the 



100 GOLIGHTLY 'BOUND THE GLOBE 

night before storm had been repaired and we rode around 
volcanic peaks above which rose rings of mist like 
smoke from a giant Dutchman's pipe; over bloody- 
muddy looking torrents, where the battle of storm had 
raged the night before; through miles of green and 
glorious and gigantic growth, and by stations with 
names that made the engine shriek and madly rush on. 
"We pause for a moment at a platform piled high with 
crates of live goats, thronged with natives who heighten 
their stature with comb-ornaments and brighten their 
brown color with painted sarongs and handkerchiefs. 
Once I got out and bought some sticky sweets from a 
sweet little girl and I was so stuck on her that I took her 
picture and — ^but the bell rang and she was added to 
the long list of girls I left behind me. More checker- 
board looking rice fields, water buffalo and natives more 
beautiful than Naples bronze. Suddenly in the suburbs 
of a town we turn the shoulder of a landscape hill and 
see on the veranda of a hotel a table half a square long 
spread with empty plates and dishes, a sure sign that 
after hours of separation we are at home among our 
tramp friends again. Last here, we were first at the 
table, and it didn't take much to satisfy our appetite, 
for there wasn't much here except beautiful gardens and 
scenery, which made me think there might be some 
method in the madness of setting the table where we 
could just feast our eyes. There was a little side show 
of Javanese dancers, who moved to sad melody as lively 
as flies in a barrel of New Orleans molasses. Some wore 
masks and I wanted to. They were as ugly as their 
famous dolls. 



GOLIGHTLT 'EOUND THE GLOBE IQl 

TAKE A CHEW 

There is a Paradise of a botanical garden here, but 
Satan had entered and named the plants, lake, em- 
bowered walks and marvelous collection of orchids. 
You can't beat the Dutch gardening anywhere, and here 
it seemed as if a hundred Hollanders had sailed in some 
new Half-Moon around the world and robbed its Edens 
of ten thousand forbidden fruit and flower trees. The 
coffee plant was once successfully raised in Java, but the 
industry was ''stung" by an insect, so that now a cup 
of real Java coffee is as hard to get as a cup of tea in 
Ceylon. My guide gave me a cane for a gulden (forty 
cents), and I asked him to smoke it instead of the awful 
pipe with which he polluted the heavenly atmosphere. 
But the good leaf is exported, the stringy stem left, and 
it was that or nothing. In America we smoke or chew 
tobacco, here they smoke rope or chew a betel nut that 
grows on a nutty palm called areca katechu. You can 
get a chew already prepared or make it yourself. The 
modus operandi is to smear a leaf with lime and scrape 
some betel nut on it, then roll it up till it looks like a 
aquashed worm in a leaf, with two fingers you put it 
in your mouth as you would a piece of cabbage on a 
fork and begin to chew. In a few minutes something 
has colored your tongue and teeth and oozed out at the 
corners of your mouth, making you look like the king of 
the cannibal islands who has just eaten a missionary rare 
and not well done. 

The H. and A. itinerary managed to leave out some 
of the biggest and best things in the world. At Hawaii 



102 GOLIGHTLY 'BOUND THE GLOBE 

it was the volcano, in Java the Buddhist temple of Boro 
Boedor. "We wasted enough time at unimportant ports 
to have looked in the hell hole of the one or at the mar- 
velous masonry of the other. To travel so far and miss 
these two wonders is as ridiculous as to go to East Aurora 
and not see Elbert Hubbard. 

SINGAPORE SIGHTS 

Gliding along a glassy sea on the way to the Straits, 
we passed Sumatra, an island like Manhattan, once ruled 
by the tiger. 

The Singapore reception committee came out in 
canoes and extended hands of welcome — for money to 
dive for. Then the ship slipped into the dock and we 
at once slipped some more mezuma to a crowd of poly- 
glot peddlers who assailed us with their wails and wares, 
beads, mats and shells. 

The post-impressionist is not crazy. He visited Singa- 
pore, put its colors on his palette and proceeded to paint 
every town red he came to. The scientist comes here 
and sees a variety of skulls that would stock an ethno- 
logical museum, and the theological professor finds so 
many religions that he would waste the whole Sunday 
deciding between a Protestant Church, a Mohammedan 
mosque, a Roman Catholic cathedral, a Chinese Joss 
House or a Hindu temple. I herein perceived a divided 
duty and went to a "Wesley mission, which extended a 
traveler 's palm of welcome to me. I remember the mean 
temperature of this place, not so much by the heated 
mark of the thermometer as by the cool trick of the 



GOLIGHTLY 'BOUND THE GLOBE 103 

jeweler who furnished material for another ''Moon- 
stone" novel. I entered his shop with a pair of yellow 
glasses big as blinders that made a moonstone glow like 
the sun. The native proprietor spoke some broken 
English and asked if I would part with them, so to 
please him and my wife I traded them for a moonstone 
the size of a small pea. I hurried back to the ship to 
show her the prize, which she received with the tourist 
shop phrase, "How much?" I told her I had traded 
it for my yellow spectacles, and asked if she liked it, and 
she replied, "No, indeed, they cost a dollar and a half 
and I can buy that moonstone anywhere for twenty-five 
cents." My eyes were suddenly opened and I saw that 
I was as big a fool as Goldsmith's Joseph, who traded 
the horse for a gross of green spectacles. Knowing that 
I would be guyed the rest of my life I marched back to 
the Hindu "speculator," laid down the stone, reached 
for my glasses and left him moonstruck. 

I have always wanted to climb the geneological tree 
of my father Adam and mother Eve, but never quite 
knew whether it was located in the West or East 
Indies. Every guide had said it was in his country 
and I found one here who said it was in this town. I 
went to this garden of Eden and believed it might 
have been, for not far off there was a swamp whose 
smell and surroundings made me think it harked back 
to the time when the old devil in the form of a serpent 
crawled out from here, got Eve's ear and told her 
there wasn't any fruit in the garden worth eating 
except the forbidden apples on the tree of knowl- 
edge. She took a chance and lost, and for the con- 



104 GOLIGHTLY 'EOUND THE GLOBE 

venienee of the tourist pilgrim the place of the sad 
fall is marked by the Raffles Hotel and Museum. 

THE SACK OF JOHORE 

There wasn't much to detain me here, so I put on 
a pair of seven-league boots and stepped over tiger 
jungles and a lake into Johore, to see the Sultan 
Father Ibraiham. His palace was barred, not only the 
door and windows but to every member of our party 
because an American heathen the year before had 
compared his royal nibs to God's image done in ebony 
and called him negro spelled with two g 's. But though 
the Sultan 's skin was dark the gray matter of his head 
had been British trained, so Ibraiham locked the front 
door, threw the key in the lake and said he was not 
at home to visitors. We tried to atone for this lese 
majeste by visiting his Mohammedan mosque, but when 
we got there the marble looking outside was white- 
washed plaster, the inside wall was bare, and there 
was no opportunity to pray. It was a pity, for the 
would-be worshippers ordered their coolies to hustle 
around the royal preserves, hurry to the hotel and 
get something to drink. O ye Gods! Everybody was 
hot and thirsty and wanted to be served at once. This 
was impossible, and knowing that heaven helps them 
who help themselves they seized pitchers and glasses 
from the frightened waiters, crossed the bar, broke 
open store rooms and ice chests, grabbed everything 
in sight and cleaned out the establishment. The be- 
wildered proprietor pulled his hair and wrung his 



GOLIGHTLY 'EOUND THE GLOBE 105 

hands, calling in vain on Allah for help. A few gen- 
erous people paid for their self-served drinks, while 
the majority left him empty bottles and tables. He 
profited by this loss, for when the next day's party 
came the drinks were all locked up and only served 
when paid for in advance. This is a tale of a wayside 
inn that doesn't look good in print, but that's why I 
tell it. A minister should always tell the truth — though 
he who says what he likes will hear much he dislikes. 

A MOONLIGHT EXCURSION 

Did you ever drive through a cocoanut grove by 
moonlight? It is a Great White Way that man can't 
imitate. We took a trolley way out of town and 
were met by coolies who set us in their wide rickshaws 
double like almonds in a shell, which is nice if you like 
your company. Their soft shod feet made no noise 
as they sped over the sand under the trees to the 
shore splashed with foam way to the palms. In the 
distance on a point of land running to the sea was 
Singapore, with its many lights softened by the full 
moon. A missionary friend entertained us with stories 
of native life, and told a boy we were hungry and 
thirsty. He jumped from our side, climbed a cocoanut 
tree like a monkey up a stick, and came down with 
it, meat and drink, a bill of fare which is always ready 
to serve. A contrast to this outdoor quiet was in 
the hotel nearby where we saw English officers danc- 
ing under punkas with pretty women, while on another 
floor we were shown rooms where you overturn the 
bath-tub on the floor to let the water run off. As 



106 GOLIGHTLT 'EOUND THE GLOBE 

Diana at her bath was surprised by Acteon, so here one 
of the women of our party was paralyzed by a China- 
man who walked in from no one knows where or why, 
and as suddenly vanished. This was one of the sights 
I missed. On leaving we got into the wrong rickshaws 
because all coolies looked alike to us, and were pur- 
sued by our former coolies with yells and sticks and 
were forced to get back in their rickshaws, when we 
were in turn followed by the other forty thieves look- 
ing gang to the station, where they said they had been 
robbed. In dark ways with vain tricks the peculiar 
Heathen Chinee is found under the moonlit palms of 
Singapore. 

PAGAN PEGU 

At Rangoon one is as anxious to get the first golden 
glimpse of the Shwe Dagon Pagoda as he is of the 
pyramids at Cairo. Like the fabled loadstone that 
pulled the ship to pieces the shrine dragged us out of 
our bunks before sunrise. Holding our clothes to- 
gether in one hand and the field glass in the other we 
beheld in the distance, tinted by the rising sun, the 
object of our dreams. We couldn't sail fast enough 
and at last turning a bend in the river there burst 
into view — what the distance had enchantingly painted 
as a pagoda, a huge oil tank. What a falling off was 
there, my countrymen, and indeed for John D. didn't 
own it; he can't tank up here, for they have canned 
him. On and on the Irrawaddy with its shacks and 
stacks as if '*on the Mississippi," we reached Rangoon,, 
the end of the Burma journey to some, but the be- 



GOLIGHTLY 'EOUND THE GLOBE 107 

ginning of ours. "We no sooner touched the India Strand 
hotel than we tipped the porter to call a *' gharry," a 
toy omnibus which holds four and is drawn by about 
a fourth of a horse, and were down to the station for 
Pegu — ^**on the road to Mandalay." 

The land was on the level and the farms were on 
the square, so was I, and in the absence of luggage 1 
was given the Masonic grip by the swarthy station- 
master at Pegu. I told him what distant shrines and 
statues I wanted to see here and still catch the return 
Mandalay express. He said, "You haven't time, but 
I '11 hold the train till you get back. ' ' Then he called a 
driver, gave him orders and we pulled out at a John 
Gilpin pace. 

On the outskirts of this little town, once a large 
ancient capital, we passed bullock carts on the road, 
native huts on either side, clumps of trees and forest 
jungle, ponds where natives like mud-turtles were hold- 
ing up their heads in the water or crawling along the 
banks and through fields thick with pagodas like topsy- 
turvy turnips in a garden. One pagoda was a sacred 
hair-receiver with two sprouts from Buddha's scalp; 
another, the Shwe Guzzale, a kind of tavern pagoda 
with sixty-four images of Buddha; still another the 
Kyaikpun, where humorous holy men may have met 
holding their aching sides with laughter at the four 
literally bushy bearded Buddhas with grasses like hair 
growing out of their noses. They sit back to back 
ninety feet high, and could look down upon the old 
battered Colossi on the banks of the Nile. Passing 
ancient walls enclosing ruins of kingly palaces, we 



108 GOLIGHTLY 'BOUND THE GLOBE 

were halted in our journey by the sleeping beauty 
Gautama, one hundred and eighty-one feet high, with 
shoulders forty-six feet across^ and feet so big that it 
made Miss Theiss, the Chicago girl, happy. This 
giantess for short was called Sehwethayaung. Her face - 
was powdered white, her lips painted red, hair and eye- 
lashes black, her hands manicured and finger nails 
gilded; she wore a day and night robe and the soles 
of her feet resembled two mosaic walls of multicolored 
glass. When you remember she had slept for unknown 
years under a small mountain of dirt and trees, that a 
railroad contractor had dug into for track material, 
she was looking pretty well preserved. Now she re- 
clines under a shed and has many admirers who make 
love pilgrimages to bring her flowers and burn candle 
incense. Think of losing a thing that size and that 
thing your God. After a brief party call we bade her 
good-by, left our cards and started for the station. 
Boys and girls in their best clothes, which weren't very 
much, stopped to gaze at us as we rattled by in the 
awful heat and dust. How our driver did make that 
little white pony run. I hope he has good care and 
pasture here, but I want to do something for him on 
the other side. Like Gautier, I would build him a sta- 
ble of marble with an ivory manger and fill it with 
golden corn and have an angel groom pat him with 
hands soft as cygnet's down. Animals seem so kind 
and human compared with our brute companions that 
a stable is often better than a sitting room, and in 
heaven I know of some horses who would be more 
companionable than some "humans." 




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GOLIGHTLT 'BOUND THE GLOBE 109 

We reached the top of a hill, looked down and saw 
the engine slowly puffing and waiting for us. My 
Masonic friend Howard had been true to his word, even 
then he said there was no hurry, gave us something 
to eat and drink under a punkah, I refused the 
whiskey and soda and gave it to his assistant, who 
also was a good Mason, and put us in a first-class 
coach on a second-class ticket. This is one time that 
whiskey did some good for a man who didn't use it. 
As the train was pulling out Howard gave me a bamboo 
watch chain, Mrs. M. a Burmese umbrella and L. a 
funny papier-mache doll and so we left Pegu with 
laughter and a loving memory. 

SHWE DAGON 

Returning to our Rangoon hotel, we washed, ate in 
traveling suits without wasting time with tuxedos, and 
were off again, through home resident portion of the 
city to Royal lakes and Zoological garden; went to a 
Burmese theatre, where we sat in opera chairs like 
turkeys in the straw covered floor, looking at Ali Baba, 
a tearful tragedy and listening to music that jumped 
over the bars of harmony without any rest; then 
to the Shwe Dagon Pagoda, where the midnight full 
moon lent an enchantment over which a poet or painter 
would commit suicide in trying to describe. 

Gautama and the sacred Buddhas are gone, but even 
in their relics glow their former fires. Here come the 
millions to worship as at a burning altar, called by 
the matin and vesper bell **Thi" at the top of the 



110 aOLIGHTLY 'KOUND THE GLOBE 

umbrella dome and rung by spirit fingers of passing 
breeze. 

Back again to the hotel and dreaming of this celes- 
tial vision, I was wakened by a quartette of crows 
perched upon a branch just above my window that 
truly croaked "Nevermore, Nevermore," for when I 
returned to the Shwe Dagon at midday there was all 
the difference between it and the night before as bC' 
tween beauty in a ball-room and the next morning 
greased and curl-papered in her boudoir. The crows 
were prophets of evil. Money changers and hucksters 
shouted their wares up the temple stairway. The 
chapel looked tawdry, and the big and little Buddhas 
about the base of the big pagoda were festooned with 
faded flowers and glistened with candle grease. De- 
vout worshippers came and went. The only incense I 
burned was a cheroot a foot long, an inch thick, made 
of paper leaves and tobacco wrapper and smelling like 
a glue factory. I did this in retirement, kneeling by 
a big jar with no one to look on but a sacred baby 
elephant. With a prayer for light in darkness, love 
in hate, law in disorder and life in death to the count- 
less dead and living Buddha worshippers, I left Shwe, 
hurried down the stone steps, glad to escape the two 
lion monsters whose open jaws guarded the gate. 

In the religious Marathon here Buddhism has been 
left behind by Christianity and Mohammedanism. 
From many mosques the Muezzin calls to prayer, but 
the Christian missionaries point to one whose preach- 
ing and practice were ever pure to woman, honest to 
man and kind to childhood. There was a man sent 



GOLIGHTLY 'BOUND THE GLOBE m 

from God whose name was Adoniram Judson, and with 
the love of John in his heart and the labors of Hercules 
in his hand, aided by his heroine wife, he has done more 
to Christianize and civilize the heathen than any man 
since the apostle Paul. Though dead, his works follow 
him in the scholarly and spiritual lives of former col- 
lege classmates of mine who are now preachers and 
teachers in the Rangoon Baptist college. 

RANGOON LIFE 

Lent closed the public shops and offices but lent a 
charm to the native street life. Fathers and families, 
numerous and gorgeous as a flower garden, were on the 
street. What seemed to be the Christian holy day was 
the native holiday. We followed various groups and pro- 
cessions and one led to a large corner residence where 
they were celebrating a wedding. I not only looked 
like an ** Ancient Mariner," but was made a "wedding 
guest, ' ' for they invited me in to look around, to eat and 
drink and join the girls in puffing at a "whacking white 
cheroot." On the illustrated page of oriental history 
the Burmese woman makes a pretty picture with petite 
figure, sweet face and a rainbow colored sarong that 
clings and is modest, and therefore the despair of Pa- 
risian dress-makers, who confuse the nude and lewd. 
The girls were jewels, wore jewels and, like Cornelia, 
regarded their children as jewels, whom they carried 
on their hip, dressed in the wealth of a bracelet on the 
arm and a ring on the toe. 

Off the Strand pagodas are thick as pebbles on the 



112 aOLIGHTLY 'BOUND THE GLOBE 

beach. As Chaplain of the Actor's Church Alliance, 
I knew Nat Goodwin, but didn't know that "Nat" 
lived in the Sule pagoda and was the guardian of the 
big Shwe Dagon. As usual there were many women 
around lifting big and little wishing-stones with light 
or heavy heart, and just outside one wearied had fallen 
asleep at the foot of an idol. 

There was a circus in town, with big tents and side 
shows just like our own, but Rangoon itself was one big 
circus, the streets filled with performers. The elephants, 
instead of balancing on their tw© forelegs, or like some 
G. 0. P. ones prancing on their hind ones, piled big, 
black teak timbers or pulled and rolled the logs through 
the mud with an industry, intelligence and fidelity that 
shamed the lazy natives there or some labor agitators 
here. However, I saw one gang of workers in the street 
tugging at ropes which pulled an immense tree, and all 
the while singing as they worked. It preached the lesson 
to me of not only doing with my might what my hands 
found to do, but to smile and sing at the same time. 

Scripture asks how much better is a man than a sheep ? 
but in this country it is "How much better is a cow 
than a man?" A man may be poor, hungry, tired and 
sick and be left to get well or die, but the cow revered 
in life is more sacred when sick. I entered a spacious 
ground and saw a large building and thought it must 
be some great philanthropic institution. It was — for a 
cow — a hospital where bossy could have all the milk for 
herself when hollow-horned, while the poor man whose 
stomach was hollow could go off by himself and die. 

Isaac "Walton would be disappointed here, for while 



GOLIGHTLY 'KOUKD THE GLOBE 113 

there are many fish he would not be permitted to catch 
them even with a silver hook, because they are not only 
sacred but stuffed with rice-cakes which heathen devotees 
and tourists feed them. 

Speaking of fish reminds me of a wail that issued from 
a native hut. Feeling that some one was in distress I 
rushed to the rescue. There lay an English officer on 
the floor and a native bending over him with sharp 
instruments filling him full of holes. The Burman had 
designs on the Briton which he was paying for with 
blood money. Tatooing is barbarous, yet how much 
civilization pays for other people's eyes by decorating 
the body for the pomp and putrefaction of the grave ! 

Our hotel was a "Castle of Indolence." It took ten 
men to do one man's work, for the motto was "Let 
George do it." One waited on you from head to foot, 
the body servant prepared the bath, and he left it for 
the scavenger to empty, while somebody else brought 
up the rear with your clothes. 

No wonder a notice was hung up in our room that 
read, "You are kindly requested not to beat the serv- 
ants." I kept my hands off, but when the Boss went 
for a fellow who was cast in the mould of lazy impu- 
dence, I asked him to hand him one for me, and he 
did. 

It was so hot here we cooled off with iced lemonades 
and were not sorry when the time came to say au 
revoir to Rangoon. We took one more drink before 
leaving the hotel. When the bill was brought I found 
a charge of two rupees for "Two whiskies," and I 
asked who the Rip Van Winkle was. The waiter said, 



114 GOLIGHTLY 'EOUND THE GLOBE 

''Your guide." I turned to him and inquired if the 
Brahmins used whisky, *'0h, no," he said. The Mo- 
hammaden? "It's against his religion." Well, you use 
it, what are you? "I am a Christian." That settled 
it and I paid the bill. 

CALCUTTA 

"We entered India by the back door of Calcutta, after 
sneaking through the dangerous and horrible back yard 
of Diamond Harbor and the Hoogly River. I found 
the city like Rachael weeping for her children because 
her capital was not and had been removed to Delhi. 

This "City of Dreadful Night" appears beautiful by 
day with magnificent government buildings, wide 
streets, splendid parks, drives and statuary. The 
English have put the mark of London here in palace 
and garden even to a Hyde Park Maiden Esplanade. 
Calcutta is named after a religious slaughter house 
presided over by Kali, the blood-thirsty goddess who 
always gets the Hindu's goat. She has the charm of 
the charnel-house, and old Charon would be delighted 
to give her a canoe ride on the Styx, because she is 
ornamented with the skull and bones of the dead he 
ferried over. One such gory goddess with her godless 
rites would be too many for the universe and yet I 
found two other places consecrated to her worship, 
over in the Monkey Temple at Benares and the other 
at the deserted city of Amber. 

I saw the Black Hole of Calcutta, eighteen feet 
square, where one hundred and forty-six English pris- 



GOLIGHTLY 'BOUND THE GLOBE 115 

oners were dumped like so much garbage on a hot June 
night, and from which the next morning but twenty- 
three skiddooed, the others being suffocated. The only 
thing black about the hole now is the white stone built 
over it and the black fence and natives around it. 



BURNING GHATS 

On our way back to the Burning Ghats we passed 
a long procession of carts carrying refuse drawn by 
white trotting bullocks, big-horned cariboo and fine 
looking ponies with docked tails. I asked why such 
good horses carried garbage and learned they were 
worn-out polo ponies. "To what base use may we re- 
turn, Horatio!" 

The sun was hot enough to cremate us before we 
got to the burning ghats, where human like vegetable 
refuse is burned. Under an archway sat a young man 
bellowing with grief over the half-burned body of his 
grandmother snjouldering on green wood. It was 
necessary for the stoker to stir up the fire and throw 
the remains into the river to make way for the "next" 
who come up like patrons to a barber's chair. Through 
dazzle of heat and dust of ashes a woman in white 
watched the slow-burning of her husband on the cord- 
wood funeral pyre. Mingled with the sad was a glad 
look in her face because he was gone, and she didn't 
have to journey with him in this chariot of fire, and 
was at last free. The heat, smoke, fire, cinder smeU 
and sound made it a hell. I took some pictures, and 



116 GOLIGHTLY 'EOUND THE GLOBE 

more of the white-sheeted dead that were being brought 
in, and returned to the hotel for dinner. The waiter 
served me with some long pale asparagus on burnt 
toast, but it looked so much like what I had just seen 
at the burning ghat that I passed it up for something 
I was sure I could keep down. 



AROUND TOV/N 

I visited a branch of the Eden Clothing Co., which 
was a big banyan tree and a small forest in itself; it 
may have been the prime evil one under whose shade 
Adam flirted with Eve, and whose leaves furnished the 
material and pattern for most of the modern styles. 
This fig-leaf fashion was widely advertised and made 
popular by a Mr. John Milton, who ran an ad. in his 
Paradise Lost which reads, "Leaves, broad as Ama- 
zonian targe, together sewed, to gird waists." It was 
evident from the pictures of the naked native children 
I took here that the knowledge of the English classics 
had been shamefully neglected. 

When I was a little boy Barnum led me by the hand 
to see some of his wonderful caged animals. A trip to 
the zoological garden made me think he must have 
been here a long time ago to get ideas for "the biggest 
show on earth." 

Of more interest was the Jain temple, the prize gem 
in the collection of its owner who is a royal jeweler. 
Jainism is supposed to be a little better brand of re- 
ligion than orthodox Hinduism or even Christianity^ 



GOLIGHTLY 'BOUND THE GLOBE II7 

for we poor Pagans were not permitted to enter the 
temple in our stocking feet for fear of contamination — 
I don't wonder — there were good grounds against some 
of us. 

I got a tip that I could go into a Harem, but I lost. 
I went to the Marble Palace, built by a real Eajah. 
Through wall-enclosed garden and courts dissonant 
with peacock cries his Highness was the faithful guide 
who showed us the splendid interior filled with some- 
thing bright and beautiful from everywhere — even the 
Old Masters looked new. It was an Aladdin palace. 
There was a more precious treasure I wanted to see, 
the mistress of this Manse, but alas, wedlock here was 
padlocked. There was a dead line I could not pass. 
The Light of the Harem was eclipsed by a dark cloud 
whence came a voice of thunder, "Stop!" 

I thought the man used truth with penurious fru- 
gality who said we were fortunate in being here in the 
cool and dry season. It was so ''cool" that the thinnest 
white suits I had made felt like the shirt of Nessus, and 
so "dry" I was only nearly drowned three times in two 
days by rivers of rain accompanied by howling winds 
and vivid lightning. 

The Lee Memorial is the clearing-house for India's 
Christian civilization. At their bazaar, held at the 
Y. M. C. A. Building, we saw specimens of lace, brass 
and other work made by child-widows and outcast chil- 
dren who had been taken in and taught from kinder- 
garten to high-school. They are qualified for business 
and positions in society. Missions pay in time and 
eternity, in cents and in character. 



118 GOLIGHTLY 'BOUND THE GLOBE 

DARJEELING 

Once in the back door of India I wanted to climb 
up on its roof, tbe highest in the world. I only got up 
to the eaves at Darjeeling, but saw the gable Kinchin- 
junga and cupola Everest. 

Leaving Calcutta we crossed the Hoogly filled with 
masts, as marsh with reeds. Over a big bridge whose 
crowds suggested the London, Galata and Brooklyn 
bridges, I reached the big new depot where I found a 
fifty-year-old dwarf, hardly as tall as a child of five, 
heavy-set, dark, caste-marked and turbaned. We ap- 
peared to like, if not love, each other at sight, and if 
I had been in the show business he would have made 
a head-liner. 

When your brain is baked and your body threatened 
with bubonic plague you hike to the Himalayas, God's 
greatest and grandest work. Scarcely had we ex- 
changed the city for the country, and jute factories 
for farms and forests, when we were held up by a 
young cyclone of wind and rain that took our peace 
of mind, soaked us, tried to run away with huts to 
which the natives wildly clung, and then as suddenly 
left and escaped to the hills. Later the watchful stars 
led us to the Ganges where we boarded a ferry boat, 
ate on upper deck while natives "Mark Twained" the 
river depth with poles, till we reached Sara Ghat where 
a train waited us. I was soon buried in sleep and dust 
and dead to the world until in the morning the engine 's 
whistle blew like resurrection trump, awoke me at Sili- 
guri where I was revived with tea and toast and 



GOLIGHTLY 'BOUND THE GLOBE 119 

changed cars for a seven thousand foot climb to Dar- 
jeeling. 

Our tiny train with two-foot gauge gave us little 
ears a foot above the tracks which traveled like a 
slow-moving platform so that we might step on and 
off at pleasure 

The tiny engine pulled us through jungles full of 
tigers and elephants, past panther traps a few feet 
from the track, and by giant tree-ferns with vultures 
sailing far over head. For hours the train twists, 
loops the loop, zig-zags, switches back, squares the 
circle, and crawls along precipices over which we 
dangle our heels. The temperature has changed, so has 
the vegetation, so has your early morning stomach- 
ache, but only for the worse, and you gladly stop at a 
station to get a cup of Darjeeling tea, the highest 
priced in the world, because it grows on the Hima- 
layas. We are in a new sphere. It looks different, 
feels different, instead of naked Hindus there are 
heavy-clad Nepaulese and Thibetans. Gangs of women 
carry rocks for road-beds; above are yellow moss- 
covered forests, below vast valleys ribboned with 
rivers. All day the track had been a Jacob's ladder; 
we had climbed from its earthly round and were 
anxious to find the heavenly top on which it leaned, 
but it was lost ; what we saw was the gloomy town of 
Ghoom and its crippled dwarf until rounding the last 
curve we slid down into Darjeeling where I am met 
at the station by four cut-throat looking villagers who 
carried me in their "dandy wallah," a chair-hammock 
stretcher, to the Drum Druid Hotel. 



120 GOLIGHTLY 'BOUND THE GLOBE 

It was well named — there were plenty of bare stones 
round about where tourist prisoners were sacrificed — 
but there was no fire-worship. I called it the Bum 
Druid until my kick opened another door, and with 
a cup of tea and a "cholera band" to keep warm, I 
went to bed. I begrudged the time up here but 
didn't want to come down with cholera. When I 
awoke the sun was shining, so I sauntered out to 
see the town and people, reserving the mountains for 
the next morning. Yellow-skinned, flat-faced, wild- 
haired, horse-blanketed, bead-looped Tam o'Shanter 
capped creatures passed by. There were English kept 
shops stocked for visitors, and native booths where one 
could buy tiger-skins, furs, prayer-wheels, brass mon- 
keys and rosaries. Down in the market-bazaar all was 
bustle. Women loaded like pack mules, merchants 
building pyramids of grain, butchers sorting goats, 
men on street-corners selling glass beads and brace- 
lets to old women, young girls and babies. All this 
and more was a specimen of native high life, but 
rather tame to us, and as it was growing damp and 
chilly we went to the hotel where the management 
had provided a typical ghost or devil-dance. The 
dress, the din, the dance and general devilment were 
as wild as anything Faust saw that Walpurgis night. 

No earthquake or landslide jarred our program, 
there were no pretty beauties on the Mall, so I went to 
the fountain and drank to the memory of Sir Ashley 
Eden, strolled through bright gardens to St. Andrew's 
church, then to the ridge, to the Llama shrine, and 
the Buddhist stupa, an open rock pile, before whose 



GOLiaHTLY 'BOUND THE GLOBE 121 

blood-red altar a priest reads his manuscript prayers, 
natives bring offerings of flowers while overhead many 
a prayer rag dances in the wind. 

At the little village of Bhutia Basti there is a Thibe- 
tan temple. The Bible speaks of bottled tears, here 
you can get canned prayers. I used to make a ' ' locust ' ' 
when a boy, of the neck of a bottle, a glove finger and 
a horse-hair, attached to a stick and swing it around 
for fun. Here a prayer is written on a parchment, 
placed in a rattle-shaped cylinder, and spun around. 
It seemed to be an improvement on the long wind- 
mill prayer of some orthodox churches. At this tem- 
ple there were spool-shaped cylinders which spun like 
tops and literally obeyed the injunction, "Pray with- 
out ceasing." More to me than this was the quaint 
little Christian Mission in the crowded bazaar and 
its faithful pastor. Outside there is a signboard with 
Scripture verses of welcome, inside the plain room with 
Bible and books which he told me could alone make 
the Hindu happy and helpful. 

"As the mountains are round about Jerusalem" so 
the Himalayas are said to skirt Darjeeling. I have 
seen all these mountains in photographs and picture 
books, and a few of them up here, for most of the 
peaks, like Mohammedan women, veil their faces. 
Some people wait weeks to get a peep of this Pisgah 
paradise and then don't see it, although it is difficult 
to make them confess it as the time when they vis- 
ited the North Cape and it was blotted out by mist, 
or the Straits of Magellan they went through by 
night. 



122 GOLIGHTLY 'BOUND THE GLOBE 

Expectant as a child the night before Christmas I 
went to bed early and left a call for 2 a. m., to saddle 
out to Tiger Hill. 

TIGER HILL 

But rain drops and not reindeer woke me. Hurry- 
ing down stairs I was met by the manager who said, 
*'I'm sorry you can't see anything this morning." 
"Look out," I said, and with a wave of my hand I 
dashed into the dining room, swallowed some tea and 
a sandwich and went out into the night where my 
half-drowned guide and pony were waiting. Giving 
the former a tip and the latter a clip we splashed off. 
Dark and rough, up and down, wet and slippery, was 
the ride. Like spectre-horseman, through forest with 
red flowers like signal lanterns, along the brink of 
bottomless precipices, through witch-ridden Ghoom I 
was carried by my faithful animal to the top of Tiger 
Hill. 

We had outraced the storm, blue sky and bright 
stars were overhead, the valley below was like a bowl 
of soap-sud clouds ; in front rolled away a dark sea of 
hill, valley and ridge to the shoreline of the sky, where 
it broke in the Himalaya snowy surf, five miles high. 

Now old Sol arose from his cloudy couch, kissed 
Kinchinjunga till she blushed like a bride, darted a 
glance at Mount Everest and his sister peaks, while 
we stood like the disciples on the Mount of Trans- 
figuration in the presence of "the Most High." Like 
them we descended, and at the hotel found those who 



GOLIGHTLY 'BOUND THE GLOBE 123 

hadn't been waked, or who remained on account of 
the storm, filled with the evil spirit of disappoint- 
ment and distrust. Dr. Steele and I had stolen a march 
on them and had seen Everest. 

Moral: The man who can go to Darjeeling and 
come away without telling a lie ought to lie by 
George Washington at Mount Vernon. 

THE GOLDEN PALACE 

With Mount Everest rising like a great snow-clad 
chimney twenty-nine thousand feet, I recalled the 
story of the Golden Palace. 

One day the ruler Ahmed gave a big sum of money 
to his chief builder Takoob and sent him to the moun- 
tains of the snow to erect the finest palace ever seen. 
Going there he found many of the people dying with 
famine so he added his money to the king's and spent 
it all for food for the starving. Later Ahmed came 
to see the palace and finding none sent for Yakoob, 
The builder told of the famine, but his master was 
very angry and throwing him into prison said, "To- 
morrow thou shalt die,, for thou hast robbed the 
king. ' ' 

That night Ahmed had a dream ; one seemed to come 
to him and say, "Follow me." Up from earth and 
far above the clouds they soared until they came to 
Heaven's gate and entering, found a palace of pure 
gold, larger than any of earth and more splendid than 
the sun. Ahmed blinded by the glory turned to his 
guide and asked, "What palace is this?" He answered, 



124 GOLIGHTLY 'BOUND THE GLOBE 

*'This is the Palace of Merciful Deeds, built for thee 
by Yakoob, the wise, and its glory shall endure when 
all earthly things have perished." Then the ruler un- 
derstood that his builder had done the best thing with 
his money. 

The story preaches a sermon. Often to the minister 
at home and missionary abroad, the teacher in public 
or mother in private, it seems that much time, money, 
prayer and energy are wasted. The world, hurried 
and busy, does not give much heed to those who make 
the sacrifice, or honor them with "storied urn or ani- 
mated bust," but God sees and knows. 

The cup of cold water is larger than the ocean; the 
box of ointment more fragrant than earth's gardens; 
the widow's two mites richer than mines of gold. Of 
such are the "blessed" who are laying up riches, re- 
nown and reward in the Golden Palace, not made with 
hands eternal, in the heavens. 

CEYLON 

From Calcutta many went down to Ceylon while 
we crossed India. Mrs. M. and L. went to see Buddha's 
tooth. For the length of time it has been preserved 
in Kandy I am sure it is a fake. In this island of 
tea they found it very difficult to get a cup at any price. 

At Colombo there was a cute little man with brown 
greased body, black hair held on top of his head with 
a big comb, who looked at my wife with such lustrous 
eyes that she fell in love with some little trinkets he 
offered her. When she asked the price he said it was 
*' according to the dictates of your conscience." 



GOLIGHTLY 'BOUND THE GLOBE 125 

''L" went up to Anaradhapura and was cliarmed by 
the snakes, moonstone, and dagoba temples. Lizards, 
natives and elephants were splashing in the King's and 
Queen's bathj cobras twined round broken stained 
columns; the sacred Bo tree, tenderly nourished with 
milk for so many centuries, had grown old and its 
bent and withered limbs were propped up with 
crutches; the rock temple was infested with priests 
in yellow robes. Two of the Clevelanders stopped here 
to pray while L. drove eight miles through jungles 
in a bullock cart to Mihintale, climbed up the stone 
cut steps to the rocky couch of the prophet who had 
snored for so long on its flint. 

BEASTLY BENARES 

Benares is washed by the Ganges, the worshippers 
are washed in the Ganges, and though every day is 
washday, the city and people are dirty and need a new 
Hercules to turn the Ganges through its Augean stables 
filled with sacred bulls, holy fakers, anointed priests 
and pestiferous pilgrims. 

It is called the "holy city" on the principle, I sup- 
pose, that ''In religion, what damned error, but some 
sober brow will bless it, and approve it with a text." 
As well call ice hot, vinegar sweet or vice virtue. 

The city lies on the bank of the crescent-shaped river. 
At the water's edge rise temples, palaces and mosques, 
while steps lead down to burning and bathing ghats. 
I was quartered at Hotel de Paris and expected some 
French service, but had to crowd over elephants and 
camels in the yard, snake charmers on the porch and an 



126 GOLIGHTLY 'BOUND THE GLOBE 

army of souvenir-sellers in the hall, before I could 
reach the desk to register. 

A hotel is a good place to get away from in the 
day time and so I started out to see the city. We drove 
through shopping street Chank with muslin, silk-shawl 
and brass shops, saw Annie Besant's Hindu college, 
where natives are expected to combine athletic with 
mental and moral culture. According to recent report 
the moral phase has been exchanged for a post- 
graduate course in corrupting practises which led the 
government to censure her and withdraw her boy- 
pupils. 

At the Monkey Temple monkey-looking priests and 
priestly-looking monkeys, put out their paws with a 
look of "Giva the monk a five cent a." If they could 
coin the scents of the place it would rival Eothschild's 
bank account. This red temple with its daily goat- 
sacrifice is dedicated to Durga, one of Klu Klux Kali's 
manifestations. The sides of this temple monkey-eage 
were lined with chambers of horrors of dreadful deities 
and at the main entrance was a room filled with bass 
drums. Can you beat it? I didn't, but the priests do 
when they summon the men and menagerie to worship. 
Between priests and monkeys I prefer the latter and 
think they're more moral. 

It was at Sarnath,, old Benares, that Buddha, tired 
of wife and home, started off like some modern lec- 
turers and set up a platform to ventilate his views. 
Probably to get the crowd he cut off his hair just as 
now some wear theirs long. Like some of his imi- 
tators he rubbed the name of God off his slate as if 



GOLIGHTLT 'BOUND THE GLOBE 127 

sick of existence, and remembering the wife lie had 
run away from, he preached the doctrine of Nirvana, 
or forgetfulness. There is a monumental pile here like 
a fallen tower of Babel, commemorating something 
Buddha thought, said or did, but what it was I couldn't 
learn, though I visited the museum with its relics and 
the Asoka column. 

One morning we went on an excursion and had a 
high-deck flat-boat rowed by natives to paddle us up 
and down the shore. For centuries millions have come 
to wash away their sins in this sacred Ganges river. 
Perhaps it is their sins, more than the city sewers, 
stale flowers or dead bodies which make the river so 
dirty. Everybody was in the swim, they were brush- 
ing teeth, rubbing heads, scrubbing their bodies, or 
plunging and filling brass jars with water to pour 
over their heads, for the Ganges is as sacred to a 
Hindu as the Jordan to a Gentile. 

Water can generally put out a fire, but the Ganges 
has never extinguished the human funeral pyres of 
burning bodies on its banks. 

I only got a glimpse of the forbidden "Golden 
Temple" with its copper dome, as Moses did of the 
Promised Land, but I was permitted to enter the cow- 
temple stable of sitting and standing bulls. The bull 
is a beatified beast. Priests pet him, the godly na- 
tives garland his horns and kiss his tail, virgin votaries 
bathe their hands, beautify their faces and plaster 
their hair with the divine emanations farmers use for 
fertilizers. The ''Bull Durham" of this country is 
some of the same, dried and mixed with a little tobacco 



128 GOLIGHTLY 'BOUND THE GLOBE 

and paper. I have often imagined our yellow-fingered 
dudes imported it for cigarette purposes, at any rate 
it smells so. I got a picture of his royal BuUship. He 
is every inch a king, even having attendants who keep 
the flies off him with a punka. Like another ill-fated 
Gulliver in the land of giants I slipped around in the 
filth to get a shot at him with my kodak, and in doing 
so accidentally stood in front of the red idol Ganesha, 
he of elephant trunk, silver hands, ears and feet. His 
jabbering worshippers gave me a rude jostle, which 
led me to offer an apology, throw them a piece of money 
and beat a hasty retreat. They didn't like me — I 
didn't like them. This mad mob of dirt devotees 
looked as if they would show me about as much con- 
sideration as a famished wolf does a fat lamb. 

We go out by burning bodies, weeping relatives and 
pilgrim-worshippers and see umbrella awnings under 
which priests are preparing the candidate for his bap- 
tism, or anointing and striping him with paint after 
he is pure. Talk of blind superstition! I saw a man, 
seated on a pedestal, staring at the sun which directly 
above and indirectly from the water beneath was burn- 
ing out his eyes. He was another Patience sitting 
on a monument smiling at grief. I snapped him and 
he never winked a lash. Poor fellow, to think that 
human pain would give divine joy. In the same self- 
crucifixion class was the man who lies down on a 
spiked mattress, or another who toasted himself on 
both sides between two fires, or his brother who made 
a yard stick of his body to measure the distance be- 
tween his birthplace and the river. 



GOLIGHTLY 'EOUND THE GLOBE 12^ 

A Hindu's heaven is an eternal sleep with no bad 
dreams. He believes that he has lived before and 
will live again eight million, four hundred thousand 
times unless he can do some worthy thing that will 
hurry up matters so that he may be absorbed into the 
infinite, as the river becomes one with the sea. 

I saw many a fakir who thought his soul might 
"crawl as a snake, bloom as a flower, roam as a tiger, 
writhe like a demon or reign as a god." Fearing that 
at death he may be morally bankrupt a Hindu tries to 
have something good put to his account just as I 
fear some rich roues do in Christian lands, who on 
their death beds try to atone for past deviltry by 
donations to some hospital, orphanage or church 
charity. 

That he may exist in a better world than this, the 
Hindu bathes in the Ganges, builds temples, feeds and 
fees the Brahmins, is kind to sacred cows and mon- 
keys, frees captured birds, gives sugar to ants, digs 
wells and hires a Brahmin with earth, pitcher and 
brass-cup to pour water into the hands of the thirsty 
passers by. 

One found it easier here to get something to eat 
than to drink. There are many wayside wells where 
the oxen draw up the water in big leather buckets, 
but frequently these and the city wells are foul be- 
cause so many filthy people bathe themselves with 
the water they allow to run back again. As if this 
were not bad enough, a well is a favorite place for 
women to jump in and commit suicide. 

Some people worship whisky and wine but the 



130 ' GOLIGHTLY 'BOUND THE GLOBE 

pious Hindoos revere the Ganges. They thought it 
was so holy that the river goddess would not allow it 
to be bridged, but it was, and then believing it would 
be a sacrilege to walk over her, they compromised 
by removing their shoes, at the same time keeping their 
feet cool and saving their soles. 

I had a Christian guide from the mission who told 
me that when the water-works were first put in, the 
superstitious natives said they wouldn't use the holy 
Ganges water which came through pipes made and 
laid by heathen hand of Moslem and European. When 
told the water was so holy it could purify the pipes 
they rushed to the hydrants nearby to get water to 
drink, cook and bathe. 

They claim a purity for the Ganges only found in 
advertisements for some soaps and baking powders. 

SUPERSTITIONS 

The Hindu is superstitious of evil if he sees a snake 
cross one's path; a crow caw on a decayed tree; or 
meets a widow and a cat. It's a good sign to meet with 
a dancing woman because she will never marry and 
so never be a widow ; to see a dead man being carried 
along without any mourner ; and see a crow sitting on 
a dead body floating down a river. 

Here are some Hindu sayings as true as preaching 
and more so than the average high-priced pulpiteers: 

If your heart be pure, the Ganges is in your tub. 
Today's egg is better than tomorrow's hen. 
To swallow the camel and choke at the tail. 



GOLIGHTLY 'BOUND THE GLOBE 131 

The little pot soon boils. 

Straighten a dog's tail for twelve years, it will still 

curl. 
Beauty without purity is an odorless rose. 
Who lives in the river should court the crocodile. 
The world's praise is a puff of wind. 
Prayer is the pillar of piety. 
To invite Satan is easy, to dismiss him is hard. 
"We give to God the flower beyond our reach. 
Xiight your lamp at home, afterwards at the mosque. 
It takes time to be successful, but no time to be 

ruined. 
Musk is known by the smell, not by the praise of 

the perfumer. 
Do your work and let the curs bark. 

Later we religious men left the ladies who were 
not permitted to accompany us, and climbed to the 
secluded spot where stands the Nepalese temple, orna- 
mented with gymnastic and indecent carving that 
would make the red Pompeiian pictures blush with 
shame. If this marks the high-tide of Buddhist faith 
I am ashamed, though I have a photograph of these 
carvings which I keep in my strong box packed in 
chloride of lime. Kali Hinduism may be bloody, but 
Buddhism here was beastly. 

After this pollution it was time to wash and be 
clean so I went to the well where Devi dropped his 
earring and my ears were filled with confusion; to 
the Pool of Knowledge, where everybody acted crazy; 
to the Well of Long Life, warranted to shorten it 



132 GOLIGHTLY 'EOUND THE GLOBE 

the longer you stay, and to a few other cess pools. 
Native desperation and perspiration mingled with 
offerings of flowers, Bel leaves and sweet meats, made . 
all these places smell like bilge water, so I procras- 
tinated till a "more convenient season." 

ON THE GANGES 

After the day's journey round this dung-hill of a 
city I was dying to take a dip, and I got an intelli- 
gent Christian guide to take Doc. Holzklaw and me 
in a dinky ferry across the Ganges to the side re- 
served as a limbo for lost souls. Giving my friend the 
kodak I stripped, plunged in the muddy waves, and 
was "took." I, too, had a brass cup and poured the 
saving water upon my bald head which deserves a 
crown if the waters of the Jordan, the Nile, the Tiber 
and the Ganges are efficacious. Yea, verily, in spite 
of what swam in it and the carcasses that floated 
on it, I took a mouthful and rinsed my throat; not 
falling dead I grew bold and drank the physical and 
spiritual health of India's millions from t;he over- 
flowing brass cup. 

Refreshed and dressed I went on deck where I 
listened to stories from the South from my genial 
companion as the Hindu boatman rowed us up the 
river to Ramangar where we visited the Palace of the 
Maharaja. He was not in, but across the river wor- 
shipping, but left instructions that we were to see 
his palace, strongly built and splendidly furnished. 
"When we left we saw a big crowd up the hill around 
a building. Curious I went up and looked in and 




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GOLIGHTLY 'BOUND THE GLOBE 133 

there beheld the biggest and most beautiful captive 
Bengal tiger in all India. I had read how Buddha gave 
himself up to feed a famished tigress and her cubs. 
But when I looked down the six feet of this tiger's 
throat I regarded the story as apocryphal. Oh the 
stripes, glare of eyes, sword-like teeth, spring against 
bars and roar as his keeper stirred him up for our 
fun! 

We sailed back at sunset. The elephants we had 
seen splashing in the water had disappeared, so had 
the boat loads of natives who had hailed us. The 
fires of the burning ghats were human torches to light 
us to the wharf. Gone were the crowds of wor- 
shippers and the sad-eyed stars looked down where 
for so many centuries millions had tried to answer 
the question, "How shall man be just with God?" 

BRAVE LUCKNOW 

It was a hot day when we visited Lucknow, and 
it was a warm reception that a deadly cobra offered 
me as I entered an old dark room in the Eesidency. 
My swarthy guide almost turned pale and uttering 
a shriek dragged me out and would not permit any 
one to enter. After I gained my breath and com- 
posure I drove over the city, once the capitol of an- 
cient Oudh. Prettily situated on the sacred river 
Gumti, its palaces make a pleasing picture in the 
distance, but on near approach their beauty fades and 
you find them plain and plastered a dirty yellow and 
white. 



134 GOLIGHTLY 'EOIIND THE GLOBE 

I saw the symbol of the two fish, the mausoleum 
of Asaf-rid-Daula, and the marvelous big mosque 
Jama Masjid; visited the college, missionary school, 
umbrella-domed palace and bazaars; watched the na- 
tives make pottery, shawls, gold and silver embroidery. 

I was interested in the cantonment of soldiers, bun- 
galows and gardens, but most of all in those ragged 
walls which tell of the blood and tears of the Sepoy 
siege. 

Though the Residency is in ruins it lives in song 
and story because of the memories of the mutiny; of 
shot and shell; of the hell of horror and Indian heat, 
and of the long promised and delayed relief from 
July 4, when Lawrence died, to November 17, when 
Colin Campbell entered. 

I went into the room where Jessie Brown, the 
crazy girl, watched, waited and heard the pibroch, 
''The Campbells Are Comin'," the Scottish slogan 
which brought joy to the bereaved and the be- 
leagured. 

In the nearby quiet cemetery rest two thousand of 
the brave who died in 1857. A white cross rises towards 
the clear sky suggesting reward and immortality. I 
have stood by tombs of the world's great heroes, but 
nothing ever so impressed me as the marble slab over 
the remains of Sir Henry Lawrence. It is plain but 
beautiful, and grass, vines and flowers tenderly creep 
across, making it attractive. 

It is said that when this old Christian warrior was 
being buried the fighting was so severe the officers 
could not leave their posts, so the soldiers carried 



GOLIGHTLY 'EOUKD THE GLOBE 135 

him to his grave, but before they lowered him they 
lifted the covering from the face of their loved 
leader and tenderly kissed his forehead. On the white 
marble, not so white as his memory, is inscribed the 
words he asked to have written on his tomb : 

"Here lies Henry Lawrence, who tried to do his 
duty, may the Lord have mercy on his soul." 

England is in India to stay until kicked out, and 
I don't know a boot big enough to do it. The Hindu 
is better ruled today, every way, than he ever was. So 
let the heathen rage and the London calamity-howlers 
imagine a vain thing. The hour Britain leaves India, 
India goes back to barbarism. The little island that 
is itself a world, rules the world in many ways. The 
traveler finds England's hand everywhere; it is not 
a black hand, but a white hand and a true American 
is always glad to give it a friendly shake. 

CAWNPORE CRUELTY 

Cawnpore is from "Kanh," which means "black," 
and that's the way I appeared after a fifty-mile ride 
from Lucknow. . The Ganges looked inviting, in spite 
of the leather factories near by. Some of the first na- 
tives we met were watermen, for India, like some 
European countries, thinks more of what it drinks than 
eats — ^water is the staff of life. The "Bhisti," or 
heavenly man, is a Moslem, and carries water in a 
goat-skin; the skin lasts about half a year, and when 
it breaks, he mends it. The other water-carrier is a 
Hindu who would rather be skinned alive than touch 



136 GOLIGHTLT 'EOUKD THE GLOBE 

a new goat skin or mend an old one. He used to 
carry water in a small earthen or brass jar, but now 
it is a coal-oil can. We may criticize John D. over 
here, but east of the Suez he is a patron saint who 
divides the honor with Buddha as the "Light of 
Asia," and in many ways pours oil on troubled waters. 

In religion the Hindu has a Triple Alliance, Bramah 
the creator, Vishnu the preserver and Siva the destroyer. 
Vishnu, who makes avatars or journeys to set the world 
right, is the patron deity of Cawnpore, but she must 
have been away making a visit in June, 1857, for Siva 
usurped the throne and struck down men, women and 
children in merciless Sepoy mutiny. 

Nana Sahib is the Hindu Judas of cowardly be- 
trayers. After offering terms of surrender to nearly 
five hundred British who had survived the mutinous 
attack, promising safe conduct to the riverside, and 
boats to take them down the Ganges, he had the bugle 
sounded, the native rowers leave the boats in the mud, 
while the Sepoys shot the defenceless in cold blood. 
Some were burned in the boats, others were drowned, 
and one hundred and twenty-five wounded and half- 
drowned women and children were carried back to 
the city, crowded in a little house, insulted then shot 
at and butchered and their dead and living bodies 
thrown into a well. 

England made the high-caste Sepoy soldiers pay dear 
for their deviltry; soaked the dry ground with their 
blood; blew their bodies from the cannon's mouth, 
and polluted the sacred river with their carcases. 

That well of Marah bitterness is now a fountain of 



GOLIGHTLY 'BOUND THE GLOBE 137 

sad, sweet memory. It is situated in a memorial garden 
with tree, shrub and flower. A mound has been built 
over the well surrounded by an octagonal Gothic screen. 
Over the slaughtered and sainted dead stands the angel 
of the resurrection, with arms folded in resignation 
and hands holding the emblems of victory and peace. 
Over the arch are the words, "These are they which 
came out of great tribulation." There at sunset I re- 
called a far away well whose curb was a pulpit, whose 
water was the text and the sermon, "The water that 
I shall give him shall be in him a well of water spring- 
ing up into everlasting life." 

DOING DELHI 

Delhi is a capital city and has been in more ways 
than one from 2500 B. C, to its last year's Durbar. 
Standing on the walls of the Old Fort one looks out 
on green plains covered with the debris of seven 
former Delhis, while in the distance towers the Moslem 
mosque Kutab Minar like a factory chimney. A nearer 
view reveals a fluted red-sandstone base and white mar- 
ble top, while nearby is an old iron pillar, "the Arm of 
Fame," fit to be wielded by the man with the iron Jaw. 

The air of the old and new Delhi is filled with the 
sighs of the dead. In 1857 British blood splashed the 
Cashmere Gate but in 1739 the nadir of butchery was 
reached when Nadir slaughtered 240,000 revolting na- 
tives. 

Turning from death to life we come to the big 
shopping street of Chandni Chank, with shade trees on 



138 GOLIGHTLY 'EOUND THE GLOBE 

either side and a stream of water running through 
the center, doubtless for the rest and resuscitation of 
those who have been "held up" by the Hindu mer- 
chant. The man with limited intellect or pocketbook 
should pray "Lead us not into temptation" before 
he gets here, or some beauty of ivory, miniature, gold 
and silver cloth or Cashmere shawl will lead him 
astray. 

It was a pity to be too late for the Durbar pageant 
and I roamed over its grounds with the feelings of a 
little boy who has missed the circus of the day be- 
fore and wanders among peanut shells and empty saw- 
dust rings. 

Still, there were many other things which made the 
visit to Delhi a delight. 

In striking contrast to the Taj Mahal tomb of Shah 
Jehan's wife, is the humble grave of his daughter, 
who loved him as Cordelia did Lear, and lovingly 
shared his prison darkness. 

"If on earth there be an Eden of bliss it is" that 
palace of Jehan in the Fort with Pearl Mosque, 
Audience Hall and a bird of a Peacock Throne Mr. 
Nadir flew away with. If he hadn't, some Mr. Morgan 
might have bought this royal perch for $30,000,000 at 
auction. 

An audience of a thousand at church or ten thousand 
at a ball game is called some crowd, but both are 
empty benches compared with the Jama Masjid mosque 
where every Friday twenty-five thousand Mohamme- 
dans meet. Our visit was on an off day, nobody was 
there but some beggars and priests, and most priests 



GOLIGHTLY 'KOUND THE GLOBE 139 

are beggars; one of tlie latter took me to a corner 
booth where a fanatic native showed me relics as sacred 
to him as fake nails, thorns and splinters of the cross 
are to some Christians. I saw a red hair from the 
beard of Mahommet, that would dull a good razor and 
was bright enough to use for a danger signal at sea; 
a Medina parchment, over a thousand years old, that 
looked recent for the amount of dirt collected on it; 
a footprint on stone that I would rather have there 
than on my anatomy, and a slipper big enough to 
have kept Cinderella and her family in shoe leather 
for the rest of their lives. 

The river of time may wash away most of my Delhi 
memories, but there is one thing that will remain as 
long as I live — the royal bath and its time, place 
and girl. 

MY NATIVE BATH 

Bathing has not only been a fad with me but an 
article of faith. At home I take a cold plunge every 
morning, and on shipboard it is the one thing I look 
forward to with pleasure. A country is known by 
the baths it gives and in Constantinople, Moscow and 
Budapest I learned that "every little movement" had 
a meaning all its own. But the bath that like Moses' 
rod swallowed up all the others was the one at Delhi 
where cleanliness is not always next to Godliness. 

India is a hot and sticky place for fleshy people, 
and like Falstaff I was larding the lean earth as I 
walked along. After hours of dusty driving and hard 
sight-seeing I asked my guide if I could get a bath and 



140 GOLIGHTLY 'EOUND THE GLOBE 

he said, ''Yes, Durbar Bath." I had missed the royal 
pageant but hoped to get the splash, so we drove off 
the crowded street to a building which invited us with 
its shade walks and flowers. The proprietor ushered 
me into a shady room and handed me a napkin. I had 
been in India long enough to know what to do with 
that square of linen, so I used it for a loin-cloth. 

When I stepped into the bath I was horrified to find 
a beautiful Mohammedan maiden standing in her birth- 
day clothes plus a bracelet. In agitation I rang, the 
master came and I said I didn't want that woman 
there with the bath. He seemed surprised, because she 
was part of it, shrugged his shoulders, ordered her 
out and beckoned to two stalwart natives. They 
seized me, threw me down on the marble, put a wooden 
pillow under my head and then splashed, massaged, 
pounded, twisted and kneaded me, worked my arms 
like a windmill, rolled me like a log, used me as a 
punching bag, went through a whole course of gym- 
nasium exercises on me, then grinned and said, "Not 
finished." I felt I was when back came the "sweet 
sixteen" smiling like spring. I sprang up, but she 
grabbed a towel and basin and laid me low, then soused 
me and began to put on the finishing touches. In 
broken English she tried to tell me all her physical, 
mental and moral virtues, which I admitted, because 
she was a woman, but I knew her Koran didn't square 
with my Old Testament, so thanking her I fled, like 
Joseph from Potiphar, to my room where "Kim" came 
to the rescue, helped me dress and rushed me to the 
train, or I might have been there yet. 



GOLIGHTLT 'BOUND THE GLOBE 141 

Later, at Bombay, the night before sailing, we men 
sat on the verandah of the Taj Mahal Hotel recounting 
our experiences ''across India." I listened patiently 
to theirs and then told mine, ending with the bath at 
Delhi. This broke up the party, for the men rushed to 
the clerk and asked where in Bombay they could get 
a bath "like the parson had." The greeter smiled 
and said, ''There's only one such bath in India, and 
you'll have to go to Delhi to get it." This was one 
of the times the "poor parson" slipped one over them 
for there was no time to go to Delhi and return before 
the ship sailed. 

JAIPUR UP TO DATE 

All aboard! My friend Baike and I rolled out of 
the Delhi station and into our clean bedding as smoothly 
as an ivory ball into the pocket of one of his billiard 
tables. Early the next morning we were picked up by 
our Jaipur guide and trotted in the cool quiet to a 
native hotel. After a bath in an English tub and a 
breakfast to correspond of tea, toast and marmalade, 
we started to cut a wide swathe through its wide streets 
and paint the pink town red. Jaipur is called the Chi- 
cago of India, and to keep up with the Windy City has 
a Hall of Winds whose fantastic walls have echoed to 
many a bacchanal blowout. The flocks of pigeons in 
the streets make another San Marco square and its 
shops are filled with gold and enameled jewelry. Enor- 
mous elephants with gorgeous trappings and colored 
caste marks swinging through the streets, and natives 



142 GOLIGHTLY 'EOUND THE GLOBE 

and tribesmen in all styles and shades of dress look like 
a circus procession. Here you may visit shrines and 
temples, but the morning market life is of far more 
interest. How human we all are when it comes to 
what we are to eat and wear. Merchants and money- 
changers are on the curb and carry on their wheat and 
board of trade occupation ''in the open." 

On the way to the Maharajah's palace we saw the 
marble halls of the college, where students dream of 
the time when they have made their mark in the world 
and their name will be written not in ink but inlaid 
black marble. His Highness was not in the palace, and 
if he had been in probably would not have "been in" 
to us. I heard some music here, and on inquiry learned 
it was from the women of the harem, who may have 
been joyfully celebrating their lord's absence. If there 
were any tears they were crocodile's tears, which re- 
minds me that when we went down to the lake and 
had the natives call the crocodiles to feed them with 
large chunks of raw beef we were told that long ago, 
when his Maharajah majesty was tired of a wife and 
couldn't shake her, he cut down his butcher bill by 
feeding her to the crocodiles. 

The palace garden was a Lincoln park of shade, 
fountains and flowers; birds sang, peacocks strutted 
about and the natives, single or married, were having 
a good time. I expected to visit sleepy Amber by ele- 
phant, and when I learned they were all engaged for 
wedding ceremonies, for March is the open season for 
matrimony, I was almost as provoked as the mad ele- 
phant who was chained in an enclosure beyond the 



GOLIGHTLT 'EOTIND THE GLOBE 143 

royal stables; he amused himself and terrified us with 
the twist of his tail, the stamp of his foot, the swing 
of his trunk and his trumpeting loud enough for a 
cornet obligato. 

A DESERTED VILLAGE 

The deserted village of Amber was the ancient and 
popular capital of Rajputana and known by the as- 
tronomer Ptolemy a thousand years ago. Today it is 
interesting for its old and picturesque ruins, where a 
few natives wander like prehistoric cave-dwellers. 

A pass is required to go to Jaipur and requires 
twenty-four hours' notice, but Balke and I were late, 
and in a hurry, and managed to get there just the 
same. We first rode by carriage to the city limits, 
where a bullock cart awaited us. My friend sat over 
one wheel and I over the other and the native driver 
between, on the cart tongue, holding and twisting the 
tails of the two white bullocks much as a driver might 
the lines over the back of a trotting horse. 

Soon the pink-painted town was behind us and we 
were jolting across the dusty plain, measuring the miles 
by ruined temples, dry fountains and deserted palaces. 
On we went between battered tooth-like battlements 
toward the gorge, at the end of which was a valley 
shut in by hills, on the highest of which silent and 
sentinel-like stood the fort, while on the low ridge rested 
the deserted village of Amber. 

The once pretty little lake was dry, so was I, and 
went into a small shop to get some soda. The courier 



144 GOLIGHTLY 'BOUND THE GLOBE 

had brought along some ice ; it sparkled like a diamond, 
was almost as small and cost as much. Here we walked 
over the wall and up a cobble rock hill to a point 
where we could see ruins of former beauty and great- 
ness on every hand. Over miles of hills stretched the 
village, looking like the ruins of a Pompeii, with nar- 
row streets, roofless houses and leaning gates. I visited 
the temple dedicated to the worship of the gory goddess 
Kali. Human sacrifices are no longer offered here, but 
the sand is red with blood of goats sacrificed every 
morning by the priest. The big stained knives lay 
near by, and the smell of incense and blood recalled the 
line, ''Fee, fo, fi, fum." Yonder, where the busy mar- 
ket once stood, peacocks strutted and shrieked like 
souls of the lost. 

The big palace on the hill was the chief object of 
interest. It was built in sixteen hundred — with domes 
and walls that resemble a fortress more than a family 
home. But the rulers needed it, with its back to the 
hills and its stone fist-like towers extended in defiance, 
to keep them and theirs in safety. The palace has 
endless halls and arches of white marble and delicate 
design, though covered in many places with a dirty 
kind of stucco. Here the Maharajahs ruled in luxury 
and splendor until Jey Sing, wearied of it all, one day 
moved away with his family and people, taking wealth, 
elephants and horses to the new capital, leaving Amber 
to thieves, jackals, the dead and dying. 

Amber is surely a dead town, a sepulchre of silence, 
a ruin of architecture. The sacred enclosure of the 
Zenanas, where the black-eyed beauties were guarded 



GOLIGHTLY 'BOUND THE GLOBE 145 

for royalty, is now open to wanton winds which sigh 
for the touch of vanished hands and the sound of voices 
that are still. The only signs of life seemed to be the 
bright flowers, erect cobras and hundreds of monkeys, 
old and wizened, chattering, climbing, holding little 
ones in their arms and jumping on tree and wall, look- 
ing as human as the few surviving inhabitants, 

"We saw the sun set red as the blood of the enemies 
who had fallen on these hills. Later the pale moon 
rose and looked sadly down on scenes of former great- 
ness, while everywhere there was an undefinable some- 
thing suggesting Hood's lines: 

''O'er all there hangs a shadow and a fear, 
A sense of mystery, the spirit daunted, 
Which seems to say as plain as whisper in the ear. 
The place is haunted." 

ALL ABOUT AGRA 

One of our party who had more bank account than 
brains asked why so many people were going to Agra. 
''To see the Taj," I replied; then he looked up and 
said, "Who is the Taj?" I told him I didn't know, 
but there was a Mr. Murray who had written a volume 
about him and could give him full particulars. He 
was satisfied and went to Ceylon, while I went to see 
"Taj" for myself. 

Akbar made Agra the seat of government and it 
must have had Taft proportions, for he was a great 
Mogul. The red sandstone Fort and Walls which he 



146 GOLIGHTLY 'EOUND THE GLOBE 

built to defend it, so far from withstanding a Trojan 
siege of ten years, would fall in ten minutes before a 
modern siege gun. 

It is pathetic to read of some other buildings here 
that "Jehangir commenced the palace and erected 
Sicundra, the mausoleum of his father, Akbar, and the 
tomb of It-mad-ud-Daula, his father-in-law. All of the 
Motimasjid and the Jamamasjid are monuments of 
Jehangir 's son Shah Jehan. ' ' When you can pronounce 
these names trippingly on the tongue, you will be able 
to get the meat out of a hazel nut without asking your 
neighbor to pass you the nut-cracker. 

There are some people who like water. Akbar was 
one, so he left Fatehpursikri to pitch his tent on the 
banks of the Jumna. Too bad he folded his tent and 
stole away before the Jumna was beautified by the 
Taj Mahal and the tall smoky chimneys of shoe and 
sugar factories. 

All mosques look alike to me, except the Pearl, which 
is marble. I went to the Hammar baths, but the 
nymphs had fled, though there was no running water. 
I took a glance at the Mirror palace; my face was re- 
flected in a thousand stucco mirrors and I never felt 
stuck on one. In the copper-covered Golden Pavilion 
my Lady's chamber was empty, and the niches in the 
wall that would be good spy-holes for Peeping Toms 
were slots into which the little lady slipped her little 
hand and left her jewels, knowing that no big-handed 
thief could steal them. 

If you haven't a taxi you'll overtax your horse, like 
Sheridan, to get out to Fatehpursikri, twenty miles, 



GOLIGHTLY 'BOUND THE GLOBE 147 

away. The town was built by big unbigoted Akbar, 
because Saint Shaik Salim lived there. The town is 
dead, though the holy man is well planted in a marble 
tomb with brass ebony and pearl trimmings. 

Akbar was the **big Injun" ruler of the Moguls. 
He was a good mixer of races and religion. He told 
the Mohammedans and Hindus to shake hands and get 
together ; his palace was a kind of Pantheon decorated 
with a general assortment of gods; he promoted com- 
merce and culture and was well called '^ Guardian of 
Mankind," This man, who won golden opinions from 
all nations, is appropriately buried in a gold coffin and 
his spirit doubtless walks in surroundings to match the 
golden streets. His name shines in the dark sky of the 
heathen past like the Kohinoor diamond that so long 
lay by his side reflecting the sun and the stars, until it 
was swiped by the Persians in 1739 and later fell into 
the possession of Queen Victoria, whose glorious wom- 
anhood paled its ineffectual fires. 

It weighs 102 carats, is valued at $800,000 and may 
be seen in the treasury-house of the London tower. 

My guide, who was a converted Hindu, told me an 
interesting story about the Kohinoor. It is a Persian 
word which means "mountain of light," and the gem 
was given to Lord John Lawrence for safe keeping. 
Busy with many things of state, he put it into his vest- 
pocket and forgot all about it. Half a year later the 
Queen ordered the jewel to be sent to her at once. 
Lord John did not know where it was and, calling his 
servant, asked if he had ever found a little package. 
* ' Yes, Sahib ; I found it and put it in your little box. ' ' 



148 GOLIGHTLY 'EOUND THE GLOBE 

It was brought, the wrappings were removed and there 
like a mountain of light shone the diamond. Sir John 
was overjoyed, but the servant simply said, "This is 
nothing, Sahib, but a piece of glass. ' ' Then he told him 
its great value and it was carefully guarded till it was 
sent to the Queen to shine in her crown of jewels. 

THE TAJ 

The camels were coming and going, but we fell in 
with a donkey and goat procession to the Taj Mahal. 
"We stopped at the Fort where Jehan garrisoned his 
four wives in apartments fitted up according to their 
native homes in Burma and Egypt ; he was a good liver 
and imported delicacies. 

The Jasmine tower was fragrant with memories. 
Shut in here, Jehan looked across the river at the 
Taj tomb he had built for his favorite wife. A prison 
and palace on either hand, he bridged it with his sighs. 

It was a dusty ride to the Taj. We brushed by ele- 
phants, saw the camel-cart bus line, which only runs 
here in Agra, and real colored moving pictures of native 
life. The pyramids are in the Sahara desert, but there 
is plenty to drink. The Taj is on a river that was 
nearly dry, while I was altogether so; then, too, the 
attendants were working, the fountains weren't play- 
ing; since there were no park refreshment stands there 
was nothing left but to drink in the scenery. 

The tourists were reading, posing and taking pic- 
tures ; peacocks, as if envious of the beauty of the Taj, 
sought to divert the attention of the visitors to them- 



GOLIGHTLY 'KOUND THE GLOBE 149 

selves by perching on the dome and screeching, "See 
me, see me," at the top of their voices, while the guards 
inside were breaking the silence of the dead by halloo- 
ing to the living for tips. To get away from all of this 
I climbed one of the towers and, after things quieted 
down, I came down. 

I entered this palace-tomb, more beautiful than 
Spain's Alhambra, paid the guards to produce an echo, 
but it was so consumptive that I let out a barytone which 
made them jump as if Havelock had returned. The 
echo of my voice was repeated till in hollow murmurs 
it died in the crypt by the side of Jehan and his wife. 

I think Jehan, like Kubla Khan, must have fed on 
honey-deW *'and drunk the milk of Paradise" when he 
planned this monument for his best girl. Its domes, 
columns, arches and minarets took twenty thousand men 
seventeen years to build. Think of the money this hus- 
band spent on a sepulchre, the most splendid in the 
world, and if it seems foolish, just recall some modern 
husband who spends millions on his whited sepulchre 
wife. 

In all the garden of human affection there is no such 
beautiful flower as this Taj Mahal lily on the banks of 
the Jumna, and to describe its beauty or the love which 
prompted it would be the ''wasteful and ridiculous 
excess" of painting the lily. 

BOMBAY 

If there's anything in a name Bombay must have 
had an explosion, at any rate as soon as you land the 
custom-officer asks if you have firearms. L. told him 



150 GOLIGHTLY 'EOUND THE GLOBE 

*'No," but loving the Union Jack next to the Stars and 
Stripes said if he needed any arms he thought he could 
lend him a hand. The city is not only India in minia- 
ture but some other towns as well. "When I saw its 
stores and public buildings I thought I was in London ; 
the commercial wharves, in New York, and the factories, 
in Chicago. I stopped at the Taj Mahal and never had 
so much attention in my life. "White-turbaned, brown- 
skinned, spider-legged servants were willing to do every- 
thing but eat with me, because I was "unclean," com- 
pared with them, and yet I didn't sit on my haunches 
like a monkey, chew betel nut and paint my face with 
caste-marks till I looked like a blackboard covered with 
colored crayon. 

Strolling around the city you see a depot that looks 
like a parliament building. 

You don't have to go to Mississippi to find a cotton 
mill, to England for a park, to Babylon for a hanging 
garden, or Persia for fire-worshippers, for they are all 
here. 

FIRE WORSHIPERS 

Bombay was blistering hot, but I saw Parsees on Back 
Bay beach who were worshipping the sun. The fire never 
goes out on their temple altar, and the smell of burning 
sandal wood always fills their home. Some of us were 
twice the guests of an intelligent wealthy Parsee. He 
threw open his house, spread his table, showed us books 
and souvenirs, wife and family with their rare robes 
and gems. He didn't attempt to proselyte me, but there 
was one autumnal-haired and freckled-faced girl whom 



GOLIGHTLY 'BOUND THE GLOBE 151 

he might have been persuaded to include as an object 
of his worship or adoration. 

While he looked at her I looked the other way at some 
of the Parsee ladies. They were small, sweet-faced, dark- 
eyed, demure, dressed in a bright-colored diaphanous 
drapery wound about their bodies, with one end thrown 
veil-like over their heads. The Parsee, like the Jew, has 
been persecuted but has been loyal to his religion, and 
proved that ' ' godliness is profitable, ' ' for he is rich, and 
not only that, but philanthropic and highly respected. 
Happy in life he believes that the god of good will over- 
comes the god of bad. To help and hasten this victory 
pork and polygamy are prohibited. He is hopeful for 
the future, believing the little light of his life will be 
absorbed into the eternal sun. 

At death his body is not buried or burned, but car- 
ried to the Towers of Silence, placed on a gridiron table, 
where it becomes a banquet for hungry vultures, which 
pick it clean to the bone. 

These white-washed oil-tank looking towers have kept 
their silent secret for centuries. There hadn't been a 
funeral for some hours, and one old vulture eyed me with 
an inquisitive "To be," and my reply was **not to be." 
I left him and climbed to a point on Malabar hill, where 
I could see the far-away ocean, the nearby islands and 
the great city lying at my feet. 

A glance at the Hanging Gardens, and I drove down 
the hillside and listened to the band-concert and mixed 
with a crowd of all sizes and sorts of people made up of 
English soldiers in red and white ; Hindu women brightly 
dressed and veiled; proud Parsee fathers with their 



152 GOLIGHTLY 'BOUND THE GLOBE 

square glazed caps and their families ; jugglers with bas- 
kets of cobras and a mongoose, and monkeys on sticks. 

IMPRESSIONS 

I reverse the proverb and say, last impressions are 
first, when I recall the last night in Bombay and the trip 
to the native quarter of the city, with its ant hills of 
humanity, dingy stores, crowded walks, musk-smelling 
oil with which they anoint themselves after bathing, and 
the odor of those whose ablutions had been postponed. 

Later we visited the by-streets, where we could no 
longer drive and could scarcely walk because of the 
dead-asleep who were lying side by side as pauper dead. 
There they were by thousands in their scant, soiled work 
clothes, and that their only covering. It was pitiful; 
home they had none; men, women and children tired, 
sick and starved, ground between the' upper and nether 
millstone of yesterday's and tomorrow's Fate. 

Light-hearted I had started out for a good time, but 
I left feeling that I had eaten a half-dozen sinker bis- 
cuits. If Dante in imagination saw anything as bad and 
sad as I did in reality that night I am sorry for him 
and hope Beatrice gave him an extra soul-kiss. 

There may be a hotter place than India this side of 
Dives' fixed residence, but I can't imagine it. The sun 
scorched, the wind blew blazes and the sand sizzled 
through the wet grass mat doors and windows. Ice was 
at a premium; everything without it tasted stale and 
flat, and to make a pot of tea you could use the window 
sill as a stove. Often the only way I could keep cool was 
to ask an Englishman a question, when I received in 



GOLIGHTLY 'EOTJND THE GLOBE 153 

reply an icy stare and cold shoulder that reduced the 
air to cold-storage temperature. 

CARNAL CAVES 

The bald-headed man who takes the front seat at a 
variety show is anxious to fall in line with the wor- 
shippers, artists and archaelogists in a trip to the eaves 
of Elephanta. From the ''Apollo" pier he'll have a 
rocky time, on the boat, at the landing, up the steep, 
mossy stairway until he stands in a temple whose aisles, 
columns and images are carved from the living rock. 
Like Pilgrim I passed unharmed between the two lions 
that guarded the entrance, for they were stone, but 
there were some stone images and inscriptions inside 
which could injure one's imagination whether he was 
young or old. 

I looked at the bust of three-faced Siva and noted the 
stylish head-dress; saw another figure with cap-orna- 
ment of human skulls; Virag, half male and female, 
and the Siva shrine with the lingam altar, before which 
millions of barren wives and hopeless girls had pros- 
trated and prostituted themselves in Sivaite festivals. 
The temple-keeper beckoned me to one side and gave 
me a private lecture, which suggested the phallus and 
priapus symbol and worship which I had found in other 
lands. While he proceeded my blush illuminated the 
dark cave, and as I left the altar my Spanish lady friend 
approached and asked me what I had been looking at 
and what the guide said. I replied, ''Forget it." She 
wouldn't, I couldn't, and since she was past middle age 



154 GOLIGHTLY 'BOUND THE GLOBE 

and married I looked her square in the eye and reeled 
it off as if it were an Edison record. "Thank you," she 
said, ''It is always well to know about religion from a 
priest." I told her I was no priest and this was no 
religion, and she said ' ' Thank you, ' ' again. There was 
a pool of clear water here in which frogs big as turtles 
were standing on their hind legs, and with folded arms 
and eyes wide open with amazement, as if they were 
more shocked at what I'd said than at the suggestive 
statues and symbols roundabout. If I had been alone 
I would have divested myself of all baggage but my 
trunks and plunged in to keep them company. 

I am not surprised that Christian Portuguese and 
heathen Mohammedan became iconoclasts and smashed 
and defaced some of this rock-temple furniture. 

Whether an honest man is the noblest work of God, 
or an honest God is the noblest work of man I leave 
Pope and Ingersoll to debate. Here both gods and men 
were dishonest and ignoble. 

In the comparative study of other religions I could 
always find some "sweetness and light," but Hinduism 
is darkness and dirt. If what does good is good, then 
apart from theory Hinduism is bad, for its votaries are 
vile and their lives a lie. Their gods are deified beasts 
and their devotees are beastly depraved. English poet- 
ical paganizers and visiting native proselyters have tried 
to steal Christ's crown and put it on Buddha's head and 
to substitute the Vedas for the Sermon on the Mount. 
"By their fruits ye shall know them." 

Caste, child-marriage, obscene worship, Nautch girls, 
ignorance, superstition, poverty and plague prove Hindu- 



GOLIGHTLY 'BOUND THE GLOBE I55 

ism a hell on earth that diseases, dwarfs and damns 
man's body, mind and soul. 

CAPTAIN CUPID 

Captain Dempwolf of the Fatherland was the big- 
bodied and souled man who fathered us until we landed. 
A brother Shriner and I were glad to pass the fez for 
a set of silver suggestive of the bright and valuable 
service he had given. Other assistants were "nobly'* 
remembered for the assistance they had rendered. 

But Cupid was commander-in-chief and got most of 
all. Love makes the world go round, and some passen- 
gers grew very dizzy, as if riding on a giddy-go-round. 

They changed not only sky and sea, but other essen- 
tial conditions. One fair chaperon forsook her girls in 
charge to cross India with an English officer. When 
she came back one of her American Misses had become 
a Mrs. on shipboard to a German aviator, who doubtless 
wooed and won her with the serenade ' ' Come take a ride 
in my airship." 

There was another poor girl who fell in love with a 
reputedly rich Rangooner. The fire of sun and senti- 
ment was so fierce that in a melting mood she made a 
hasty return from Calcutta to marry him. 

There were Grand Salon flirtations by day and sounds 
of revelry by night from the grill-room spooners. We 
poor mortals who tried to sleep on our little cots or mats 
on deck, with sheets and pajamas, were often stumbled 
over by late lovers retiring in the very early hours of the 
morning. Ye Gods and little fishes! Some of us saw 



156 aOLIGHTLY 'BOUND THE GLOBE 

and heard things which would not be believed if John's 
angel wrote it with a gold pen. 

It is a question whether Cupid or cupidity mates and 
marries people, a question hard to answer right. There 
are Midsummer night's dreams on sea as on land, when 
* ' Reason and love keep little company together. ' ' Human 
and decent people sooner or later bend the knee at 
Cupid's shrine feeling with Thackeray, "It is best to 
love wisely, no doubt ; but to love foolishly is better than 
not to be able to love at aU." 

RED SEA 

Ocean life was hot and happy all the way to the Red 
sea. This red-letter body of water must have been 
named by the same color blind man who christened two 
other seas Black and Yellow. All three prove there is 
nothing in a name, but as the Red sea was on the map 
between Asia and Africa we had to sail it. 

During our four day's cruise to Suez Bible students 
kept asking the officers just where Israel crossed over 
on dry ground and Pharaoh had been drowned. Often 
the profane reply showed little regard for God or geog- 
raphy. But a German 's oath is different from all others, 
and his * ' Ach Gott ' ' as natural as a cholic cry to a baby. 
Often those who had broken most of the Ten Command- 
ments were anxious to know how far away Sinai was and 
how high. 

We passed the land of Arabian days and nights, en- 
chanting to lovers of literature and students of sacred 
and profane history. One evening the setting sun made 
the sea red like a bloody tongue between rows of ragged 



GOLIGHTLY 'EOUND THE GLOBE I57 

mountain teeth. At Suez there was nothing but the canal 
for the boat, so we left the town for an overland ride 
through the promised land of Goshen to Cairo. Once 
these fields flowed with milk and honey, but they must 
have gone dry, for no such refreshment was served with 
our train lunch. 

EGYPT AGAIN 

What a Sphynx is Egypt ! Historically, this grand- 
mother of arts rocked the cradle of Greek and Roman 
beauty ; biographically, she kept open house for Pharaoh, 
Moses and Joseph, and made a great spread ; sentiment- 
ally, she gave Antony and Cleopatra the time of their 
lives when they climbed the Pyramids, made dates under 
the palms and took Nile excursions that Coney Island 
can't duplicate ; mentally, she taught her family how to 
wrangle philosophically and see stars ; carve ugly statues 
and pile up quarries of rocks; religiously, she sent her 
boys and girls to church to hear the priests hand out 
esoteric sermons and then when the listeners were dead 
she gave them a big funeral, wrapped up their bodies 
and stood them in a corner to be cussed and discussed 
a million years hence. 

The auto's honk has drowned out the Muezzin's cry. 
You motor to the Pyramids, take a Martini before you 
climb on and crawl in them; stand up by the Sphynx 
with a cigaret in your mouth and have your picture 
taken; straddle a dromedary and race like a Shriner 
across the hot sands to the tombs of the bulls ; mount the 
step pyramid of Sakkarah ; cross the fertile Nile valley ; 
bump your shins against the stone ruins of Memphis,, 



158 GOLIGHTLY 'BOUND THE GLOBE 

return Rameses' stony stare and then have your reveries 
broken by the whistle of the engine that is to whirl you 
from Baclrashein to Cairo. 

There is an Arab proverb that the Chinese are gifted 
with hand, the Hindu with brain, but the Arab is cun- 
ning with his tongue, and my guide proved it true. He 
spoke five languages from the time I left the pyramids, 
when he hung to the tail of my dromedary and urged 
him on in the race, until we stopped at the rest-house, 
ate a picnic lunch and drank cool water filtered through 
the sands. From start to finish he begged for "back- 
sheesh, ' ' asking if I had had a good time. I replied he 
had been a good guide, to which he said: "Then, Sir, 
I would enjoy something from your hand." Reminding 
him I had given him a tip at Sakkarah, he said, "Oh, 
that was for the dromedary. Sir. "We want to make a 
strong, fine animal of him." I gave him something, 
although I thought his nerve was strong enough for both, 

I found Egypt more interesting than when I visited 
it in 3900 and wrote my "Tracks of a Tenderfoot" im- 
pressions. I didn't know whether I would come again 
or, if I did, be able to say any more, but Egypt is a 
field of endless discovery and, whether your name is 
Micawber or Marietta, you won't have to wait long 
for something to "turn up." 

Thebes had beer signs on her seven gates ; Edison had 
wired the tombs of the kings and thrown light on dark 
subjects; Kurnah runs a scarab factory for the tourist 
trade or will furnish you with an antique hand or foot 
for your home museum. It was here that L. and 
"Coldslaw" decided to make purchases, but the Doc 




DAMAGED GOODS 



GOLIGHTLY 'KOUND THE GLOBE 15^ 

lost his railroad ticket and had to dig up for another 
and L. was robbed by a black-whiskered prophet. 

About the only thing that hasn't changed is the 
dirt on the people. It was the same I had seen years 
before, only more. Perhaps the damned waters of 
the Nile, which have just washed Pharaoh's bed at 
Philae after the sleep of centuries, will be enough to 
clean them up. 

Of course, dear reader, I visited the identical bul- 
rush spot (more bull than rush), where infant Moses 
was found; crawled into the old cave Coptic church, 
where the holy family had a refuge; sheltered myself 
in the shade of the Virgin's tree; drank of the sacred 
well and acted just as an orthodox visitor should to 
his guide for fear I might forget myself and call him 
liar and faker. 

Sunday night I went to Heliopolis, the city of the 
sun, and wished the obelisk could break its stony lips 
of silence and tell me of Moses and the other wise men 
who used to meet there and what it now thought of 
the big hotel, street of shops, and the noisy crowds 
near by. 

Early one morning I bribed the caretaker of the 
Ghizeh museum to let me see the Village Taskmaster, 
whose wooden face resembles mine, and to stand before 
the Pharaoh of the Exodus, the original Jew-baiter and 
hater who wouldn't let Israel go. There lay the crafty, 
white-toothed, hook-nosed, red-headed rascal, who was 
so vain that he not only wanted his life described on 
obelisks and kept in pyramid memorial but desired 
most of all that his five-sensed gated body, through 



160 GOLIGHTLY 'BOUND THE GLOBE 

which his soul had passed, should be kept in repair. 
I wanted to ask him a few questions, but knew he was 
in no mood for reply, so I left him embalmed in rags 
and silence. 

The Egyptians lived, died and were embalmed. The 
biggest ceremony of a man's life was his funeral. To- 
day we have live dead ones embalmed by self and un- 
buried; mummies royal and plebeian, dead and rotten 
at heart, though robed in purple and fine linen, who 
would not be fit as fuel for Mark Twain's engineer on 
the Egyptian railroad. 

A hot time is always appropriate to Cairo. On the 
street, at the Fish Market and in cafe chantant one 
finds men smoking and drinking with gaily decked and 
painted dames, or listening to performers on the stage 
playing instruments, while others sing and dance in a 
way that makes it unnecessary to attend the gym- 
nasium. 

To offset such vicious influences various Christian 
missions offer the gospel of the clean life. Sunday 
night I visited the mission and spoke in the chapel, 
whose walls had echoed to the preaching and teaching 
of my uncle. His old servant was so pleased that the 
next day he took me to the American cemetery in 
old Cairo, where rests his master, who after forty 
years' work rests with heaven's "Well done." 

A TRUE LOVE STORY 

Gulian Lansing was the name of this uncle, whose 
name I bear, and I have often heard him tell the ro- 
mantic story of Bamba, his poor little pupil, who be- 



GOLIGHTLT 'EOUND THE GLOBE 161 

came a princess by marrying Maharajah Dhnlep Sing, 
son of the Lion x>i Lahore, whose warlike growls caused 
the British lion so many fights. 

Dhulep was educated in England and, returning to 
India to bury his Hindu mother, visited the mission 
school. Here he fell in love at sight with the bright- 
eyed Bamba, she of the little feet. I know they were 
little, for one of her slippers has been on our parlor 
whatnot as long as I can remember. 

On Dhulep 's return to Cairo from the funeral he 
was married to Bamba according to ritual and took 
his bride to England, where he was very popular and 
stood high at court. Two daughters were born of this 
love match, but its glow soon went out and he claimed 
his right as an Indian prince to have as many flames as 
he wanted so long as he could pay the fire insurance. 

The little mother and her two girls returned to the 
mission, their only home. My uncle felt that justice 
should be done and a divorce granted. In person he 
saw Queen Victoria, told the whole story and through 
her command the separation was allowed, and Dhulep 
made to sing another song. The strong hand of the law 
compelled him to hand over yearly hundreds of pounds 
for the support of Bamba and her children. 

Dhulep was India when he wooed and Iceland when 
he wed. Bamba learned in the circle of a few years, 
"Oh! how many torments be in the small circle of a 
wedding ring." 

A TOUGH TOWN 

On our way to Port Said we rattled by the "wonder- 
ful" canal, whose history and cost the guide-books are 



162 GOLIGHTLY 'BOUND THE GLOBE 

full of. To one who has seen the Panama ditch it looks 
like a little gutter, where guttersnipes sail boats after 
a rain. 

Port Said is said to be the portal to Hell, but I 
didn't find it so. Perhaps I went in the morniag before 
the Devil hadn't waked up from his last night's de- 
bauch. Five of us piled in a carriage and in as many 
different languages asked the driver to show us the 
bad, but he couldn't make good. Either there was a 
new mayor with a new lid or the wickedness of the 
place had been overestimated, or out of respect to the 
spirit of De Lesseps they were afraid his statue would 
step off its pedestal and put them all in jail. 

THE BALU 

The waves rolled, the ship rolled and the masked ball 
rolled round on the night before we reached Naples. 
Paper costumes were furnished for all who were to take 
part. They were various and striking, but the most 
complete change affected was that of Doctor "Cold 
Slaw," who appeared in a clean collar, a bosom shirt 
attached, and a pair of shined shoes. This doesn't 
seem much, but the weather was warm. 

I had been too busy to dress and when I came on 
deck Officer Kruse said, "Oh, doctor, I am disap- 
pointed; this is the first time you failed me." I re- 
plied, "Because my costume is in your cabin." "Go 
and put it on," he said. I hurried to his room, donned 
his cap, coat and buttons and was surprised to find 
how much I resembled him, though he had a mustache 
and goatee. This was easily remedied, for I went down 



GOLIGHTLY 'EOUND THE GLOBE 163 

to my state room and had Mrs. M. mark my lips and 
chin with charcoal. As I came up the stairway the 
stewards saluted me, and when I met Officer Kruse he 
placed his hand to his cap and said, ''When we reach 
Hamburg the music room must have some repairing 
and decoration done." "All right," I replied, and be- 
cause I couldn't dance with the pretty girls as he did, 
for I have a Baptist foot, I ordered the band to play 
for him to lead off. This he promptly did, for my genial 
German friend loved to divide his time between the 
duties and beauties of the boat. 

OLD LANDMARKS 

After the ball was over there was time to rest and 
pack in spite of the proverb, "There is no rest for the 
wicked." 

At school I learned that Aetna was an inveterate 
smoker, but when I saw him his pipe was out and he 
was simply taking a chew. 

Messina seemed to be in bad straits. It couldn't 
have looked much worse after the quake and fire 
and I wondered who got away with the wad some of 
us had raised for the sufferers. 

Scylla and Charybdis were the two bogies of my 
classic days, but were very tame when we passed 
through them. The blind bard of Scio 's rocky isle must 
have been seeing things or writing a yellow story for 
the gods in the Harper's Weekly. Hugo thought his- 
tory was occasionally immoral, while legend always 
tended to virtue. These sister rocks have passed into a 
moral proverb, "Shun Scylla and fall into Charybdis." 



164 GOLIGHTLY 'EOUND THE GLOBE 

NAUGHTY NAPLES 

At last the land of Dante and ehianti welcomed us. 
Dr. Johnson said the man who hadn't been to Italy- 
was always conscious of inferiority, but I felt superior 
because I had been there before. I was dying to see 
Naples again and, bidding the Cleveland crew and 
cruisers good-bye, stepped ashore and was directed to a 
hotel by a policeman in tights and cockade, who looked 
like a second edition of Napoleon. Here we hired a 
guide for four days and nights and showed him the 
town. He ordered wine for breakfast, dinner and sup- 
per, got sick at the Blue Grotto and played out before 
he reached Barbarossa castle. 

At Sorrento, the house where Tasso was born has 
been changed into a hotel. The walls within are all 
scribbled over with poor writing and caricature that 
must make the pious poet lament and pray for another 
deliverance. Eeally the guide was unnecessary, but I 
made the most of him while I had him. At 3 a. m. I 
hauled him out to Bale, the ancient Roman Newport; 
took him to Lake Avernus and felt like pushing him 
down the easy hell descent; called at the Sibyl's cave 
and only received the echo of my voice for answer. 

I burned my fingers in the Solfatera volcano till I 
could sing the scales like Caruso, and looked into the 
deadly dog grotto, where the sulphur air puts out the 
light of a match or the life of some poor Fido, who is 
sacrificed for the tourist's love of science and pleasure. 
I had no dog and wanted to try it on the guide, but he 
yelled, ' ' Cave canem, ' ' and ran away. 



GOLIGHTLY 'BOUND THE GLOBE 165 

Of more interest than church, park and palace is the 
museum, I saw all and some things that all don't see. 
I guess that the evil communications with Pompeii by 
day corrupt the good manners of some of the mirror 
dancers by night. 

Pompeii is a live city and not dead; its streets are 
not deserted but noisy with mad tourists led by crazy 
guides. The town grows instructive with every click of 
the spade, and will always be popular with the blase 
sightseer. They had just discovered some new cafes 
and dives with the names of owners and patrons, thus 
teaching us to be careful where we go and how we 
register. Next to the carvings of the beastly Benares 
gods who felt complimented with their outlined sins, 
are some of the pictures on Pompeiian walls. I think 
the devil came with brush and red paint fresh from 
hell and painted some of the scenes he had witnessed 
there. 

Vesuvius was passed up, for its jaws of death and 
mouth of hell climb were not forgotten, but L. took 
my place and came back with the report that his nag 
spent as much time trying to throw him off as it did to 
climb up. 

A ROMAN BANQUET 

Our Roman feast was spoiled by Cook, so that it was 
not a howling success. The guide always starts late 
after breakfast, then hurries you back to lunch and din- 
ner, though you haven't seen half the sights billed on 
the itinerary. Of course, a meal is the main thing with 
a Cook. On the fourth day he drove us to some of the 



166 GOLIGHTLY 'BOUND THE GLOBE 

places we had taken in the first day. This resulted in a 
wordy row at the Pantheon between L. and him un- 
til this bandit wanted the police to arrest him, but 
they knew a Cookie when they saw him and didn't. 
The guide turned to Mrs. M. and said, "Ze young Amer- 
ican tinks he know it all — I am ze guide. You know 
hun?" "Yes, he's my son." *'Ah, zat is too bad." 
Moral: Don't use Cook in Kome unless you want to be 
cheated out of your bill of fare. 

One day, when the Pope blessed rosaries, we went to 
the little shop by the fountain and bought them by the 
dozen as souvenirs. Our names were left and we were 
to call the next day, but we were with another party 
and the little packet was done up with only my card 
tied to it. I slipped it in my pocket and never opened 
it till reaching the hotel that night, when I discovered 
it contained all the rosaries and that we were leaving 
town and could not find the owners. Some disap- 
pointed purchaser must be singing Neven's "Rosary," 
"Oh, memories that bless and burn — Oh, barren gain 
and bitter loss." 

I prayed in St. Peter's, orated in the Forum, rub- 
bered in art galleries, rattled against bones of saints in 
cloisters and anointed my clothes with candle grease 
in the catacombs; motored along the Appian way; 
groped through dry Caracalla baths; made my face 
sloppy at the graves of Shelley and Keats ; splashed in 
public fountains; climbed Rome's seven or fourteen 
hills; gave three cheers at Garibaldi's statue with its 
Masonic emblems; photoed the new Victor Emmanuel 
monument ; troUeyed by triumphal arches and watched 



GOLIGHTLY 'EOUND THE GLOBE 167 

the workmen rebuild the broken arches of the Coliseum. 
Augustus found Rome brick and left it marble. I found 
Rome wasn't built in a day, and after days of hard 
work left it feeling like some of its ruins. 

FLORENCE FLIRTATIONS 

I saw fair Florence, but my wife was with me and I 
didn't stay very long. So I got a fast rig, for this is an 
art city and "art is long and time is fleeting." The 
Loggia statues were a little dirtier than usual ; Titian 's 
Venuses wore no more clothes; Angelo's David had a 
reset arm and was in good fighting trim; Ghiberti's 
gates of Paradise were shut, but the Arno river was 
open, and there are no rivers like it when you think of 
the city by its banks, art-bridge over it, odd boats on it 
and the inspiration of hill and plain around it. Had 
you been along with me you would have seen the stone 
where Savonarola was burned, the place where Angelo 
found the block of marble for David, the trysting place 
where George Eliot and Browning mused, and the stone 
where Dante sat to see Beatrice go by and make a date 
to meet her at choir practice the following Saturday 
night. 

The afternoon walk along the river bank and drive 
up the hillside are beautiful, but the evening visit to the 
little Protestant cemetery was sweetest and best of all, 
as the setting sun glorified the graves of Mrs. Browning 
and Landor. Here for them, as for all tired humanity, 
we pray with Sterne that Death may give our enemies 
the slip forever, open the gate of fame and shut the gate 
of envy after it. 



168 GOLIGHTLY 'BOUND THE GLOBE 

At the close of a busy day and just before the train 
left we remembered Donatello's lion caged in a queer- 
looking building. The place closed in fifteen minutes, 
but we flew there and paid the price of an all day admis- 
sion to the surprise of the guard. There were many art 
objects, but the big thing in the show was the funny - 
shaped lion that crawled out of Donatello's artist brain 
years after the night when as a little boy he had sneaked 
in under the circus tent. 

I used to work on a farm and knew cheese from the 
time we milked the cows, strained the milk, let it thicken 
or curdle into fresh or harden into Dutch cheese. To 
this boyish information I had added the knowledge of 
Swiss, limburger and other choice varieties of cheese in 
later years, but the advanced stage of its composition 
or decomposition was reached in Florence, where I asked 
the waiter for some of his best cheese. He brought 
something in under cover, I lifted it and if I hadn't 
been stronger than the cheese and stabbed it with a fork 
and held it until the waiter carried it away it might have 
crawled off the plate and done me personal violence. 
Shades of the departed ! It was another diet of worms. 

A PEEP AT PISA 

Pisa's leaning tower hadn't fallen yet. A former 
time I leaned over the top and swung like a pendulum 
between time and eternity. This time I tipped the bell- 
ringer, who let me pull the rope, and I'm sure the old 
pile tipped over half an inch. The Baptistery may not 
have a lean on the tower, but it was Sunday and I know 



GOLIGHTLY 'BOUND THE GLOBE 169 

a lean and hungry mendicant, looking as fantastic as 
Malvolio, who got a lean on my purse as the price of 
kodaking him. Some of these beggars over here ought 
to be shot instead of canonized. The most interesting 
thing in the big church is the pendulum that swung 
Galileo beyond the stars, and more beautiful than the 
Baptistery is the heavenly echo that draws tears from 
your eyes and money from your pocket for the custodian. 
He strikes the notes and sings a few silver tones that 
come back in echoes from the city whose streets are gold. 
The cemetery is called Campo Santo, because of holy 
ground brought from Jerusalem. I have been to Jeru- 
salem and know it is a dirty place, but that its soil is 
sacred, that bodies planted in it will come up sooner and 
more beautiful than if buried in Missouri river mud or 
back lot ashes I doubt, though as a former resident of 
St. Louis I am open to conviction and willing to be 
shown. I found Pisa a bad place for amateur photogra- 
phy. One evening I met a young girl who complained 
that she had to tilt her kodak in order to get the tower 
straight, 

CAMERA CURSE 

If it isn't an Egotist it isn't a kodak. 

A kodak is an infernal machine which a fiend carries 
around to shoot ojffi. In Moscow I must have come under 
this head, for when I took a shot at the Kremlin an arm 
of the law grabbed me and the machine and tried to put 
me in the dark room of the local prison with the hope 
that since I loved travel I might be put over the road 
to Siberia. I was bald, smooth-shaven, well-fed and in 



170 GOLIGHTLY 'BOUND THE GLOBE 

no way resembled the lean and hungry-looking Cassius, 
and have always wondered why I was classed with the 
long-haired, stubby-whiskered, wild-eyed assassins who 
light their pipes at burning cities and try to blow them- 
selves by dynamiting the Czar. Yet before and since 
then, in addition to carrying weighty responsibilities 
and the added one of my heavy self with propriety away 
from church and home, I lugged a kodak and made a 
pack mule of myself. 

A fool and his money are soon parted, because a good 
camera-lens is expensive, and to this you add films, 
developments and prints. "When you think you have an 
interesting object some one bobs up and says, "Take 
me." The roll always runs out when you have a chance 
to take the best picture or the authorities prohibit you, 
till hunting for subjects you grow desperate and make a 
shot that develops a ' ' likeness ' ' you might fall down and 
worship, since there is nothing like it in the heavens 
above, the earth beneath or the waters under the earth. 

The amateur kodakist, like the heathen he tries to get 
a picture of, is a law unto himself. He will wake a 
native asleep, or stop him awake; snap him, dressed or 
nude, bathing, shaving, or praying in the temple, and 
then go off without giving him a tip or a thank. 

This fiend delights in exposing the elderly woman 
asleep in her steamer-chair with mouth wide open as the 
hatchway ; the apoplectic-faced merchant who advertises 
his wealth by a diamond on shirt-front and a carbuncle 
on his nose ; the happy Newly weds or quarreling lovers ; 
or the adventurous suitor who gives his arm or steals a 
kiss; giddy girls who carelessly climb the hurri- 



GOLIGHTLY 'EOUND THE GLOBE 17I 

cane deck; staid people who rusli for tea and crackers, 
and after a few rolls of the ship, which they could not 
digest, rush to the rail believing after all it is more 
blessed to give than to receive. 

On land he prides himself on taking poor pictures of 
what professional photographers have artistically made, 
and with haste, ignorance, over or under exposure makes 
a blonde look like an African belle or a sooty stoker like 
a pale-faced student. 

The kodak is a fool's paradise. It is a moral nuisance 
that makes a man profane, untruthful, boastful and so 
conceited that even Eembrandt's hat wouldn't fit his 
head. He asks you to "look pleasant," and although 
he smiles, you remember one may do that and be a vil- 
lain meditating treasons, stratagems and spoils. Per- 
haps it is only a question of time when his face will be 
the most prominent in some rogue 's gallery. 

Beware the camera Jabber "Wock, who, like Satan in 
Job's day, goes to and fro over the earth among the sons 
and daughters of men. 

If you want to have a good time abroad leave your 
kodak at home. It may require cheek to get dangerous 
or dainty pictures, to risk one that is risque, but he is 
the real hero who does not rely on his kodak for his 
impressions. If he has any pictures besides those hung 
on memory's walls they are those he bought in the shops, 
or as an Artful Dodger quietly took after a careful 
selection. 

P. S. — I took fifteen hundred pictures on this trip and 
am responsible for many misrepresentations. 



172 GOLIGHTLY 'EOUKD THE GLOBE 

THE CARNIVAL OF VENICE 

The Campanile and St. Marks glowed with a million 
electric lights as our gondola glided through the canals 
like a black snake. "We were soon stabled near the four 
bronze horses and so near we could pat them. The 
square below was filled with people, not pigeons, com- 
ing and going in gala dress; Bengal lights blazed like 
infernal torches; soldiers were practicing the arts of 
love and not war; everybody was happy except the 
caterers who had run out of cakes and ices; the bands 
were blowing themselves to prove that nonsense is easily 
set to music. It was the carnival of Venice and her 
chivalry and beauty had gathered to celebrate the com- 
pletion of the new Campanile, the old one having been 
knocked down and out by former visits of heavy weights, 
my own of two hundred pounds included. At the stroke 
of twelve the little iron man came out of the clock with 
a hammer and gave a knock that meant good night for 
the long-continued celebration. Suddenly all lights went 
out, a big Bengal glare shot from the Campanile and the 
crowds vanished. The full-faced moon looked down on 
the empty scene and up there my lucky star was shining, 
for had I come a day later all this would have been 
missed. 

Next day the carnival was over, but no one ever had 
a dry time in Venice. You may sail with the gay gon- 
dolier, uncover and plunge in the Liddo; be soaked by 
the guide when visiting galleries, prisons and palaces, 
or chug by steam-launch to the Eialto, where thieves most 
do congregate to get big prices for small souvenirs. But 



GOLIGHTLY 'EOUND THE GLOBE 173 

it is worth all it costs to be in the city of the sea with 
its churches and paintings; to visit Titian's tomb; to 
cross the Bridge of Sighs, not so very big, and enter 
the dungeons with the guide, who cheerfully informs you 
how the poor victim was accused, tried by a council of 
ten to one against him, had his throat cut, was put in a 
bag, pushed through a hole in the wall, carried out to 
the deep and dumped. This guide combined the low 
comedy of broken English with the high tragedy of 
drawing his hand across his throat to describe the deep 
deviltry of the Doges. 

But Venice can't be described until you visit it, and 
then it is indescribable. Euskin gives us the Stones of 
Venice; Turner its sun, sky and sea; Shakespeare, 
Rogers and Byron its poetry and tragedy, and Nevens 
its music, but these gifted men have not exhausted the 
city's charm. One thing has been overlooked, though I 
am not equal to its description. I refer to the smells 
that rise far above the concert pitch of the sentimental 
serenader and linger long in one 's nose and memory. 

"THE LAST SUPPER" 

Milan is the Paris of Italy. "We arrived at midnight 
and it was difficult to believe that the two masterpieces 
of Christian art and architecture, ''The Last Supper" 
and the great Cathedral, had so little moral influence on 
the inhabitants. Things looked brighter next morning, 
and after an early drive to the end of the Napoleon arch 
and amphitheatre, where they start the war balloons, we 
stopped at the church refectory of **The Last Supper." 



174 GOLIGHTLT 'BOUND THE GLOBE 

But it was only nine o'clock, and thougli we banged the 
door the custodian was unwilling to open up until he had 
breakfasted on all the macaroni necessary to brace him 
for the police duty of guarding the picture on the wall 
from being cut out in slabs by souvenir vandals worse 
than Napoleon's horses which once were stabled here 
and chewed off the legs of the table and apostles. 

I never tire of the wonderful picture and its lesson, 
or cease to marvel at Da Vinci, the artist, who pushed 
ahead in so many different ways and helped us do the 
same by inventing the wheelbarrow. The poor know 
little of art, and it has been said that art should never 
try to be popular, but Da Vinci would be the most popu- 
lar artist in the world if the many who wheel a barrow 
knew the name of its inventor. 

Milan was hot, but its cathedral was ' ' frozen music, ' ' 
and I kept cool by staying below while L. climbed the 
biggest of its icicle towers, where a profane party was 
having a communion picnic lunch of bread and wine. 
He had a view of the Jungfrau for his trouble, while I 
was troubled with the old frau, who insisted on buying 
a cameo breastpin at the very doors of the cathedral. 

SWISS CITIES 

Beyond Italy lie the Alps. Napoleon crossed them 
in snow and we in the rain. You see the time was out of 
joint and the granite hills were mist. Nature often 
seems modest and veils her beauty from the ubiquitous 
tourist, for whom an ugly hotel or pension annex has 
been built on every hill and by every pretty lake. 



GOLIGHTLY 'EOUND THE GLOBE 175 

Goldsmitli said the volume of nature was the book of 
knowledge, but to many visitors Switzerland is a " Three 
Weeks" romance that doesn't look well in print. How- 
ever, the country is not to be judged by its transient 
marauders and mountain climbers, but by its cities with 
their liberty-loving and God-fearing inhabitants. 

Geneva — town and lake — ^were the one time haunts of 
such great spirits as Calvin, Gibbon, Kousseau, Byron, 
Shelley and Voltaire. They are gone and their places are 
filled with gamblers, guzzlers, globe trotters, giddy gad- 
abouts and grizzly-faced socialists, who make this part 
of the world's stage a continuous vaudeville. 

If you want a good time you may come here and buy 
a Swiss watch that you can fasten on your wrist with a 
harness strap, or a noisy cuckoo clock that will wake you 
up before your neighbor's rooster. The clergyman sees 
John Calvin's pulpit, the sceptic Rousseau's island, the 
desponding the arrowy Rhone, the sports the carrousel, 
while the artist may look at distant Mount Blanc that 
Byron called the monarch of mountains, on a throne of 
rocks, with robe of cloud and diadem of snow, but which 
looked more like a little bald-headed dictator compared 
with the grand Moguls of the Himalayas. 

The boat ride over the lake filled our souls with 
scenery, and at Vevey we loaded our stomachs with milk 
chocolate that makes my mouth water. 

Chillon's castle has made Montreux famous. Byron 
chained Bonnivard to its dungeon pillar in his poem, 
and has sent a swarm of sentimentalists to snivel over 
some sorrow that never existed. We went there just for 
fun and to be photographed chained to the column. The 



176 GOLIGHTLY 'BOUND THE GLOBE 

castle is inspiring ; it pays to keep up the legend, so old 
stones are replaced with new ones, the walls carefully- 
whitewashed and everything made ready for the next 
season's credulous crowd. 

Interlaken is more interesting to approach and leave 
than to remain in. Still if you get off the noisy thor- 
oughfare with the big hotels and go back to the old 
town with narrow streets, clock-spire, overtopping hill 
and rushing water you can get a view of the Jungfrau 
on a sunlit morning or moonlit night that will make 
you feel happy, even though you wear no headlight 
diamonds, play no roulette and know your hotel bill 
costs as much a day as it should a week. 

If I could visit but one city in Switzerland it would 
be Lucerne. Life sports on the promenade; death 
dances on the pictured rafters of the old bridge; the 
player strikes the lip of the church organ until it tells 
the shine and storm of shepherd life ; stone marbles are 
in the pockets where the glaciers rolled them, and the 
Thorwaldsen lion, though stone dead, guards the lilies 
of France. If this doesn't please you and you aren't 
a,fraid of breaking your neck, you may climb the Rigi 
Kulm or Pilatus, sail the lovely lake and stop at Tell's 
chapel and recall the brave man who gave Gessler the 
slip, telling him that if he had shot his innocent boy 
and not the apple, he had another arrow up his sleeve 
which he intended to put through him, using his Adam's 
apple as a target. 

Last but not least was Zurich with factory, museum, 
park and cozy inn, where one could drink delicious 
milk, eat the sweetest of chocolate and get cheese filled 



GOLIGHTLY 'BOUND THE GLOBE I77 

with large airy rooms. But I was hurrying home and 
fighting the inn idea one meets not only in Epictetus, 
but here and all through life. '*It is as if," he says, 
*'a man journeying home and finding a nice inn on the 
road and liking it, were to stay forever at the inn; 
man, thou hast forgotten thy object; thy journey was 
not to this but through this — to get home, to do your 
duty to your family, friends and fellow countrymen." 
So I took the schnelle Zug and left for Germany, the 
land of beer and Beethoven, philosophy and pipes. 

"MADE IN GERMANY" 

One sees so many useless churches in Italy that when 
he gets to Germany he says with Omar Khayyam, * ' Let 
us make up in the tavern what we have wasted in the 
mosque. ' ' 

Munich is the German Milwaukee and the high-brow 
and low-brow go to the Hofbrau that has made her 
famous. Here King Gambrinus rules and thousands 
drink his health in the dark-colored, high-collared fluid. 
They come in singles and pairs, sometimes peaches, and 
whole families spend the evening over big steins which 
they have selected according to the size, ornament or 
sentiment on the sides. The wall mottoes suggest cheer, 
and from cellar with poor laborer to upper floor with 
banker or thinker everybody eats, laughs, smokes, sings 
and tells stories. It is said to be very good beer. I 
suppose it is, or so many would not drink so much, but 
as often as I went there, and it was several times to see 
the crowd, I failed to see anyone full, though that 
wasn 't because they couldn 't get enough. 



178 GOLIGHTLY 'BOUND THE GLOBE 

The city was in holiday attire, looked nice and be- 
haved well. All of us entered into the Teuton spirit, 
listening to bands that played real instead of ragtime 
music even in restaurants. It has art galleries Old and 
New, and I remember one of them, because it is about 
the only one in Europe I was lucky enough to get in on 
a free day. 

The Muenehner can be original or imitate when he 
tries. He takes a little outing, comes home and builds 
Paris arches, Greek temples, Florentine loggias, Venetian 
clocks and flag-poles and New York statues. It may 
shock one who has seen the originals, making him feel 
they are out of place, but it informs and cultivates the 
taste of the stay-at-home and is the sincerest form of 
flattery to the arts and countries he has imitated. 
Here's a Hofbrau "prosit" to all my Munich friends. 

INQUISITION MEMORIES 

Once upon a time Nuremburg was the quaint old town 
where Santa Glaus made his cakes and toys. Perhaps 
he does now, but I couldn't find the place, for the big 
factory chimneys were telling a different story. The 
rubberneck wagon bounced us over narrow cobbled 
streets, across little bridges and beside the big walls. 
We three had the German spieler all to ourselves, and 
he did try to make us understand all about the big 
church with curious carvings, the Gooseboy fountain 
and the shop and house of the poet Hans Sachs and 
Albrecht Durer. He earned his money, and when we 
stopped at the historic kraut and sausage shop I filled 
him and his glass to overflowing. 



GOLIGHTLY 'EOUND THE GLOBE 179 

I preferred to get a drink if possible from the deep 
well outside the old castle. It was Sunday and the 
Fraulein wouldn't sell me postcards, but I gave her a 
silver mark and a few side remarks and she handed 
me the cards as a mark of affection. The castle walls 
speak horrible cruelty and its corridor pictures make 
Dante's hell a Sunday school picnic in comparison. 
Here are the spiked Iron Virgin and other burning, 
tearing, piercing, stretching, crushing tools of torture 
that were used by religion to convert sinners from the 
error of their ways and transform heretics into the 
faithful followers of the meek and lowly Jesus. 

By his constitution, man is defined as a "religious 
animal." These castle tools look more animal than 
religious. The trouble has always been, as Swift says, 
**"We have just enough religion to make us hate, but 
not enough to make us love one another." 

OLD HEIDELBERG 

Heidelberg is a university town where I learned that 
"a little knowledge is a dangerous thing." I speak a 
little German so well that when I asked about a train 
to the city I didn't understand all they said, jumped 
on a fast instead of a slow train and on my arrival 
was held up by a gold lace, button official, who de- 
manded a "supplement," with a threat to confiscate 
my coupon ticket. I gave in and up, and was so pro- 
voked as to fluently use some German words that had 
lain idle in my mind ever since I was a bad little boy 
in a private German school, because I had been ex- 
cluded from the American public school. In Europe the 



180 GOLIGHTLY 'EOUND THE GLOBE 

government controls the trains, though owned by a 
private corporation. In the United States we control 
the government and curse the corporations. 

"Old Heidelberg, Old Heidelberg," is the jolly song 
of that rocky old place beloved by so many students, 
whose diploma is a sword-scarred, smoke-clouded, beer- 
colored face. From historic churches and buildings we 
climbed to the famous castle. The lady guide had a 
German party, but generously included us, and I v/as 
just as generous. Perhaps the most awful and awesome 
thing here is the big ale cask, full once in its history 
but not of late. Then it was like a beer reservoir and 
the servant went to the master for the drink. Now 
the German feels he is his own master and beer is piped 
as freely as if it were water. 

We did full justice to the noble ruins so well known 
in history, song and story. It is beautiful for situation, 
and the sight of the Ehine and valley far beneath and 
away thrills the heart of every true Fatherland son. I 
have a good German friend in Minneapolis, Fritz W — , 
who was a student here. He never quite forgave me 
because I had been to Germany without visiting his 
city. This time I sent him a postcard of the castle 
and tun of beer. He welcomed me on my return, spoke 
of the card and was happy because I liked his dear 
Heidelberg, Imagine my surprise the next day on re- 
turning from a funeral to find a case of "Schlitz" on 
my front porch, which a beer wagon had left in full 
view of my horrified temperance neighbors in spite of 
the servant's protest that I didn't drink and hadn't 
ordered it. 



GOLIGHTLY 'BOUND THE GLOBE 181 

GOETHE'S HOME 

Frankfort is famous. It divides honors as the 
birthplace of the glorious Goethe and a greasy sausage. 
Of the two, the latter perhaps is the more popular, but 
tastes differ, 

Frankfort-on, or in, the-Main is quaint and aristo- 
cratic, like our Philadelphia. There are solid buildings 
and splendid parks. Art is not wanting, and if you 
want a form of it you have only to visit the ''Pink 
Lady" Ariadne, she of the marble heart, who seems 
to blush when you turn her around and put her in the 
light. At the same time it is a town of high-thinking 
and ideals, and since Goethe's death Zepplin has risen 
farther than anyone else. I say this without fear of 
denial, because one morning at the town square I heard 
a strange whirring noise and, looking up over the hall, 
saw a blackbird big as a building. It was the airship, 
and I was sorry that I didn't have an extra fifty dol- 
lars for a two hours sail from Frankfort to Cologne. 

See the printer Gutenburg's statue, but don't fail 
to visit the house of Goethe, the writer. I had to go 
twice before I got in, but it was worth while. The 
building isn't big or fine, but oh my, it's interesting as 
Shakespeare's house at Stratford. It was the family 
house, and as sacred to the porter housekeeper as any- 
thing in Palestine. He showed the room of Goethe's 
birth, the play-room with crude feminine silhouettes 
that showed his early love for girls ; his study and bed- 
room and the little back door through which the way- 
ward genius slipped in and out nights when the good 



182 GOLIGHTLY 'BOUND THE GLOBE 

parents were snoring and dreaming he was asleep, and 
the books whose contents he had tasted, chewed, swal- 
lowed and digested. Happy man to die before some Ger- 
man books were printed that would have put his teeth on 
edge and given him stomach ache; ponderous pedantic 
books with no new facts, only leaden fancy ; books that 
one fears to pick up, falteringly reads and lays down 
with fatigue. 

Goethe was handsome and his bump of genius well 
developed, but he looked cross-eyed at several of the 
Ten Commandments, limped where he should have 
walked upright, and knew Byron well enough to do 
him justice. 

A RIDE ON THE RHINE 

About the only water a true German likes is the 
Rhine, and that simply for commercial and bath pur- 
poses. When he visits the Rhine he exchanges beer for 
wine. The proper thing to do on boarding your boat 
is to make a grand rush for a table, order a bottle of 
wine, then talk and smoke. We thought it would be 
nice to eat on deck when passing historic points. So I 
ordered Rhine wine, brown bread and cheese and 
bologna sausage, but with an English accent, and the 
waiter returned with tea, white bread and cold beef. 
I protested ; he was in despair, almost tears, and, turn- 
ing to Mrs. M., said, "You no drink the tea?" His 
acting was too much. He had touched her heart and 
she replied, **Yes, I'll drink the tea." He replied, 
"Das is besser." That's always the way at home or 



GOLIGHTLY 'BOUND THE GLOBE 183 

abroad. Touch a wife's heart and the next thing 
touched is her husband's pocketbook. 

No drink or drug is necessary to put the traveler in 
a happy state of mind. Sky, air, hills, castles, vine- 
yards, nestling cities, boats loaded to the water's edge 
give material for prosy thought, while volumes of 
poems you have read or can buy fill you full of senti- 
ment. 

The Rhine is not as big, beautiful or busy as many 
other rivers, still it has its own peculiar charms. Every 
ratty tower has a tale; each hill is soaked with the 
blood of the grape or some old dragon or warrior ; bats 
and owls are startled from ivy ruins by the rushing 
train, and at dusk, if you are very watchful and have a 
strong glass, you can see some old knights sneak 
through the woods to meet and make love to old ladies 
virtuous, wise or otherwise. The banks are overgrown 
with bare-faced legends old enough to wear whiskers. 

On yonder Wartburg hill dare-devil Luther was 
imprisoned by friends against the attacks of a mad 
Papal bull; now appears fair Bingen, the birthplace of 
the soldier who lay dying in Algiers, an event told in a 
poem that has been equally fatal to the many that 
have heard it; women climb a chair to get a good 
view of the mouse-tower; doctors of divinity gaze 
fondly at the Lorelei sisters, whose sensuous forms and 
siren voices had lured so many simple sailors to death. 

There are cities of celebrities, forests and fortifica- 
tions that lend charm to the Rhine and up on the hill- 
side rises the colossal statue of Germania, When I 
saw the big Goddess, keeping ''Die Wacht am Rhine," 



184 GOLIGHTLY 'BOUND THE GLOBE 

I stood on a bench, waved my Old Glory flag and gave a 
dry toast, to which my German friends responded with 
some wet ones. 

Amiel said the Germans oppressed instead of kindled 
his spirits. If he wanted ''Wine fully made, wine which 
would sparkle in the glass," he should have been 
with us. 

NOISOME COLOGNE 

The first view of Cologne was thrilling. I saw the 
cathedral spires in the distance and Zepplin's airship 
between them like a bologna on a two-tine fork. If the 
refined reader thinks I resemble "Hal" with "the most 
unsavory similes" let him send for a bottle of eau de 
Cologne water made and sold just opposite the cathedral. 
It would take almost as much time to tell the history of 
this church as it did to build it and we must hurry. It 
is a mountain of stone, one climb was enough for me. 

The bells of the city are as noisome as its smells. We 
were waked up very early by a big clang that was echoed 
by little clangings from a dozen spires. Cui bono this 
infernal racket that breaks the stillness of early hours 
and ding-dong-dangs good people into despair, while it 
drives the bad ones into telling the church to go to a 
place it pretends to keep people out of ? 

The Colnerinos are not only proud of their church 
and city, but delight in the ghastly chapel of St. Urselin, 
fiUed with the skulls of hundreds of virgins. The attend- 
ant showed us female Yoricks of many sizes and shapes 
piled, propped, pushed, packed and placed in all the 
Euclid forms imaginable. You know the story of the 



GOLIGHTLY 'BOUND THE GLOBE 185 

slaughter of these innocents. It makes Blue Beard a 
back number. My first thought was these girls had been 
driven to suicide by the sleep-murdering bells I had 
already heard. 

After we came out of this martyr morgue two boys 
approached us, saying : *' Do you speak English? Want 
a cab, sir? Give me a penny." And Mrs. M. laughed 
and said she had overheard them practicing these same 
questions on each other during our absence. They had 
earned the penny and I paid it for their little English 
dialogue. English is bound to be the universal language, 
for we American English-speaking people are too lazy 
to learn other languages. Foreigners must learn ours 
and I want to encourage them. 

Grand opera was in season and we went to hear the 
"Troubador," something new, we thought, but met our 
old friend '"11 Trovatore." Still it was a novelty to 
find the audience adjourning between acts to side cor- 
ridors for beer, salad and sandwiches. We remained 
through the prison scene and then made way for liberty 
to get our train. All that night the coach wheels played 
the anvil chorus on the rails as I sighed to rest me. 

HAMBURG 

At Hamburg we prodigals returned to our ship home, 
the ''Cleveland," that was to complete the globe circuit 
and land us at New York. Before it sailed we did the 
old steak town brown, glancing at the mediocre art gal* 
lery and seeing Hagenbaeh's happy animal family. 
Beethoven's "Fidelio" was to be performed at the opera 



186 GOLIGHTLY 'EOUND THE GLOBE 

house for somebody's benefit, not ours, for we tried to 
buy and bribe the doorkeeper on every floor, but without 
success. To think these people could hear such music 
at any time for little or nothing and we strangers, who 
were willing to pay the price of a box seat, for standing 
room in the gallery of the gods, had our money refused 
and were turned away. I think if it had been anywhere 
else I might have managed to get in. 

One man's loss is another man's gain, and what wasn't 
spent for tickets was used in tips. 

THE TIPPING HABIT 

Johnson told Boswell that nothing had been contrived 
by man that produced so much happiness as a good 
tavern or inn. But it may be unhappiness when a man 
stays there instead of going home at night, while abroad 
it is often a torture-chamber, where you take little 
"ease" unless you tip right and left, giving halves for 
poor quarters. 

In Pickwick's time it was "Half a crown in the bill 
if you look at the waiter," now it's little on your plate 
if you don't, and that little is something where indiges- 
tion waits on appetite and sickness on both. You pay 
the house and the house is supposed to pay the waiter. 
The supposition is contrary to fact ; you pay both waiters 
and house. They demand and you deliver. The more 
you give the more they want. You are not stingy, per- 
haps not rich and can 't afford the hold-up, yet there you 
are and wish you weren 't. 

The tip-fear keeps some good folks home, embarrasses 



GOLIGHTLY 'EOUND THE GLOBE 187 

the traveler and is a relic of barbarism, when the slave 
received a tip instead of a wage. It ought to be abol- 
ished. If you want to give a Christmas gift do it, but 
the waiter who makes you wait for service and then 
insultingly appears afterwards is a nuisance. 

Colly Cibber said: ''In all the necessaries of life 
there is not a greater plague than servants. ' ' "We often 
believe he told the truth and that Swift's satiric advice 
to servants should be posted up in every hotel. 

If you are old enough to travel you are big enough to 
wait on yourself, and most sensible people want to, but 
these parasites treat you like a baby, wake you up, insist 
on a bath, want to brush your shoes and coat and dress 
you; bring you a lot of what you can't eat at the table, 
empty soup down your neck or spread preserves on the 
back of your chair ; step on your toes, fix your room so 
you can't find your things; run away with your hand- 
bag and umbrella, then scrape, frown and line up when 
you leave the hotel expecting you will pay them liberally 
for what you did not want them to do and for what the 
hotel paid them to do but they have left undone. 

I frequently felt when they stood with open hand look- 
ing for tips that I would like to turn their faces to the 
wall and give them a kick on the southwest corner of 
their pants instead of a coin for their pocket. 

I'm no tightwad, but free with my money as a sailor 
on shore and just as "tipsy." 

Hamburg is a live business town and the German has 
a head for business as well as war. ' ' Made in Germany ' ' 
is no joke, but stands for the goods. I never use the 
"Word business without thinking of Stevenson's estimate. 



188 GOLIGHTLY 'BOUND THE GLOBE 

''A modern man of business, you may do what you will 
for him, put him in Eden, give him the elixir of life; 
he has still a flaw at heart, he still has his business 
habits." 

The Germans have a great country and are a great 
people. Intelligent and practical they possess many 
pleasant and peculiar characteristics. Until I visit the 
Fatherland again, " Auf wiedersehn. " 

HOMEWARD BOUND 

At Cuxhaven we rejoined the "Cleveland." Any- 
body who would be dissatisfied with the treatment she 
had given us would doubtless find something to grumble 
at in heaven if he were so unfortunate as to land there. 
We sailed so far South to avoid the "Titanic" icebergs 
that we might have hit a chunk of Antarctic snow, but 
happily avoided both. 

When the "Titanic" went down the "White Star" 
became the black "Wormwood star of Revelation"; 
and the name of the star is called wormwood, and the 
third part of the waters became v\^ormwood; and many 
men died of the waters because they were made bitter. ' ' 

This was no "mysterious Providence" of God, but 
the murderous work of man prompted by the hell of 
haste. So racing with death, in spite of floating ice and 
repeated warning of icebergs from other vessels, the 
"Titanic" struck hard on death and made "sharp 
lightning ' ' ; seeking the blue ribbon she was rewarded 
with a piece of black crepe. 

Over the haunted spot where the "Titanic" sank, the 



GOLIGHTLY 'BOUND THE GLOBE 189 

shroudless dead arise and with voice sadder than waves 
elianting their requiem cry out, "Thou shalt not kill." 

' ' rest ye brother mariners we will not wander more ' ' 
was the way we felt when Bartholdi's big statue beck- 
oned us from the Old to the New World. I wanted to 
take the liberty of giving her a hug, but compromised 
by throwing her a kiss. 

We walked the plank with the gang and soon passed 
the baggage inquisition. I had made out a truthful 
James inventory and was not caught in any smuggler's 
lie. In truth my baggage contained nothing worth 
lying about, so I got off. 

THE LAND OF PROMISE 

When Socrates was asked his country he replied, "I 
am of the world," If living today it is a safe bet he 
would say, ' ' I am an American, ' ' which means the same 
thing, because all the world is here or on the way. 

In America we have room enough to turn around with- 
out having some one step on our heels or breathe in our 
face and say ' ' Sorry. ' ' 

Our natural resources are so great that the poor 
Lazarus of other nations may sit at the first table and 
give the crumbs to the dogs. 

In scenery we have such sublime mountains, canyons, 
rivers, falls, forests and icebergs that Nature used what 
was left over to furnish Europe with a few resorts. 

There are all kinds of climates. You may dress in 
furs, eat blubber and pick your teeth with icicles or slip 
on a banana peel, drink orangeade and be fanned with 
zephyrs. 



190 GOLIGHTLY 'BOUND THE GLOBE 

In religion a man is free to choose a new faith every 
day if he does not use it as a club on his neighbor or as 
a burglar's jimmy on the public treasury. 

Our public schools are the educational shop that turns 
out good citizens, though they have no titles or ten cents 
to their name. 

Government is the great American game we all have 
a hand in. There are no kings and queens and the vote 
of the laboring man who has a heart and carries a spade 
counts just as much as the man with diamonds. 

Breathes there a man this round world over who de- 
spairingly says "America is not my native land, I wish 
it was ? " If such there be my hands are extended across 
the sea in loving welcome. Come over and be natural- 
ized. True, you can't be the president, but you may 
become a ward politician or trust magnate. 

HAPS AND MISHAPS 

I have no respect for the American who goes abroad, 
waves the flag, yells his throat sore, pulls the feathers 
out of the American eagle, boasts he is a citizen of the 
greatest nation the sun shines on for its room, re- 
sources, religion, education and government, and then 
when he lands picks Uncle Sam's pocket. If he has 
brought home goods which demand a duty, let him open 
his hand and pay his customary duty or shut up his 
unpatriotic mouth. 

Everything goes in New York, and I found three 
things that I had wanted and could not find on the 
cruise. The first was a morning paper in English that 



GOLIGHTLY 'EOUND THE GLOBE 191 

had United States news. I gave the newsie a dime for 
it and filled my head with sensible matter. The second 
thing was pie — the kind that mother used to make. I 
ordered six different kinds from the astonished waiter, 
and every one tasted better than the other. The third 
was a game of baseball at Polo Park, where Wagner 
came to bat and swatted the cover off the sphere. 

For Auld Lang Syne we ran down to New Bedford, 
the once quiet old whaling port, now a noisy cotton 
mill city, and a few days later sailed up the Dutch 
Hudson, that beats the German Rhine. Out from 
Albany, at Lishas Kill, I preached in my mother's old 
church and was rewarded at night at her brother 's house 
by being robbed of all the stickpin souvenirs I had 
bought for my friends. Evidently the thief didn't get 
much out of my poor sermon and decided to make up 
for it. The melancholy days are surely come when one 
may go round the world and never have a heathen steal 
a cent and then come to the state and capital of Tam- 
many and be robbed. 

The limited brought me to Chicago in time for the 
big G. O. P. show, where the elephant and bull moose 
were having a fight to the finish. I had a ringside seat 
and was photographed with all the professional poli- 
ticians, so that when I reached home my pug face had 
already been discovered in the newspaper cuts. My 
friends knew I was nearby and came with the police 
and other city officials to welcome me to the best city 
in. all the round world — Minneapolis. In a little while 
I was in my own home, and there 's no place like it. To 
quote that eminent authority on home-life, Oliver 



192 GOLIGHTLY 'SOUND THS GLOBE 

Wendell Holmes, ' ' The world has a million roosts for a 
man but only one nest." 

TRAVEL AND ITS BENEFITS 

Before you travel you plead the need of rest and 
recreation; that it is a source of information; puts 
you in sympathy with the big world; broadens your 
toleration; makes new friends; gives you respect for 
good wherever you find it, and teaches you to avoid 
the bad. 

So you raise the wind, set sail, come back with the 
cargo of fatigue, disgust, bigotry, enemies and may be 
worse off than when you went. Instead of learning a 
new language you have forgotten your own and talk 
in broken parrot sentences. You return loaded with 
hotel stickers, junk souvenirs, postcards, odd jewelry, 
ill-fitting clothes, a habit of saying, "When I was to 
Bombay," to which is added a wanderlust to go some- 
where else next year. The feeling that makes a tramp 
a traveler is the same that makes a traveler a tramp; 
one is homeless, the other is often home less than he 
should be. 

Travel makes a man of one and a monkey of another. 
You will be the same tramp abroad that you were here 
illustrating Milton's — 

''The mind is its own place, and in itself 
Can make a heaven of hell, a hell of heaven." 

Look out for the latter, for the Devil is a giobe-trotter 
from way back of Job 's day. 



GOLIGHTLY 'SOUND THE GLOBE 193 

Travel has its benefit, especially to the tourist 
agencies. Once you swallow the bait of their folders 
and you are caught. Their trains and boats almost 
annihilate time and space and your bank account. 
They don't travel for health and pleasure if you do, 
and often their ways and means make you sick and 
sad. 

Travel benefits those you leave behind — some who 
fail to appreciate you, and wish you would go way 
off and die. A Koman thought it was a sweet and 
proper thing to die for his country. If an American 
isn't willing to make such a sacrifice, he can go and 
bury himself abroad and return at Easter, when the 
ball season begins. 

I had such a good time that I want to repeat it. 
Perhaps I may, for after I had been home a few days 
I received a telegram from Mr. Vogelsang, manager of 
the Cleveland cruise, inviting me to accept the position 
of lecturer and pastor made vacant by the death of 
Dr. Hough. 

The trip was a great benefit to me. Physically, sea, 
mountain and forest entered my weak frame so that I 
feel able to run the lawn-mower or shovel snow, if I 
can't get someone else to do it; intellectually, I can 
say, "Good-morning," "Give me some bread," "How 
much you charge?" and "Good-night" in a dozen dif- 
ferent languages; spiritually, I believe there are some 
characters that resemble mine that have not yet attained 
perfection. 

There is no college or seminary equal to the world, 
and it offers the biggest text-book. It means hard work 



194 GOLIGHTLY 'EOUND THE GLOBE 

and study, expenditure of days and dollars, frequent 
annoyance and privation. The go-lightly- 'round-the- 
globe traveler must not expect everything to be just 
as if he were at home, but learn to make himself at 
home wherever he goes. If he does not, he better save 
his money and buy a farm, work hard during the week, 
make a trip to town Saturday night, hear a circumlog 
lecture, go to a moving picture show, or buy the latest 
book of travel. 

P. S. If the reader regrets his loss of time and 
money, let him smile when he thinks how much more 
of both this book has cost me. 




Let 



John Dough 



introduce you to 



fyyiGK^ 



Fleischmann's Yeast 

if you want to 
rise in the world 



—G. L. M. 



THIS WORLD IS A BILLIARD BALL. 
BALKE ALWAYS LEADS IN THE 
GAME. IF YOU WANT A CUE, 
WRITE HIM.— G. L. M. 




Brunswick-Balke-CoUender Co, 



Chicago, 111. 



U. S. A. 



BROOKS IS A DE LUXE EDITION OF THE 
BOOK OF HUMAN NATURE. CONSULT 
HIM FOR INFORMATION.— G. L. M. 




EDMUND D. BROOKS 

RARE BOOKS AND MANUSCRIPTS 

MESTNEAPOLIS, MINNESOTA, U. S. A. 



Bread is the staff of life. For a 
safe and pleasant journey, use 



u 



PILLSBURY'S BEST" 



— G. L. M. 




Pillsbury Flour Mills Co. 

Minneapolis, Minnesota, U. S. A. 



BIRCH IS THE MAN WHO MAKES 
THE WORLD GO LIGHTLY 
'ROUND ON WHEELS —G. l. m. 




CELEBEATED CARKIAGES AND JINRIKISHAS 



JAMES H. BIRCH 

Burlington, New Jersey, U. S. A. 



''BRAD" STREET IS THE 
''HONCHO-DORI" OF AMERICA. 
SHOP WITH HIM AT HOME FOR 
ANYTHING YOU WANT ABROAD 

— G. L. M. 



JOHN S. BR ADSTREET 



INTERIOR FURNISHINGS 
AND DECORATIONS 

ESTABLISHED 1876 



327 SOUTH SEVENTH STREET 
Minneapolis, Minnesota ':' U. S. A. 



*' 'Tis pleasant sure to see one's 
name in print. 



J f 



Mr. B. Atkinson Brooklyn, N. Y. 

Mrs. B. Atkinson Brooklyn, N. Y. 

Mrs. E. F. Abner Atlantic City, N. J. 

Mrs. Emily G. Anderson Chicago, 111. 

Miss Eva E. Anderson Chicago, 111. 

Miss Anna Anderson Chicago, 111. 

Mr. Junior Anderson Chicago, 111. 

Dr. W. Herbert Adams , . Savannah, Ga. 

Mrs. W. Herbert Adams Savannah, Ga. 

Mr. F. A. Assmann New York, N. Y. 

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Mrs. A. E. Aeby Brooklyn, N. Y. 

Mr. C. A. Bosworth Cincinnati, O. 

Mrs. C. A. Bosworth Cincinnati, O. 

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Mrs. Henry Bohm Denver, Col. 

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Mrs. W. C. Beckert Pittsburgh, Pa. 

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Mr. Edward J. Blossom Chicago, 111. 

201 



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Mrs. R. A. G. Bell Calgary, Alta, Canada 

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Mrs. Louis Bearwald San Francisco, Cal. 

Mr. J. Frank Boyd Bangor, Me. 

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Mrs. James C. Blacklidge Kokomo, Ind. 

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Mrs. George F. Bisch Springfield, 111. 

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Miss Brown St. Louis, Mo. 

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202 



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Mrs. Claude Cambern Rushville, Ind. 

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Mrs. John W. Cox New York, N. Y. 

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Mrs. E. A. Chapoton Detroit, Mich. 

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Mrs. William E. Castle Chicago, 111. 

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Herr Assessor Dr. A. H. Dorten Dusseldorf, Germany 

203 



Frau Assessor Dr. A. H. Dorten Dusseldorf, Germany- 
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Mrs. Sara Byron Doyle Knoxville, Tenn. 

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Master Chauncey Dekker Berkeley, Cal. 

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Mrs. Geo. I. Dinwiddie Frankfort, Ind. 

Miss Agnes Earley New York, N. Y. 

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Mr. Fred E. Elliott! St. Louis, Mo. 

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Mrs. Morris L. Fischbein Aberdeen, S. Dak. 

Col. Julius Fleischmann Cincinnati, O. 

and valet 
Mrs. Julius Fleischmann Cincinnati, O. 

and maid 

Miss Louise Fleischmann Cincinnati, O. 

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204 



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205 



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206 



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207 



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208 



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Mr. Theodore Lunstedt San Francisco, Cal. 

Mrs. Theodore Lunstedt San Francisco, Cal. 

Mrs. Mary Emma Lamb San Francisco, Cal. 

Mrs. A. E. Lebknecher East Orange, N. J 

Mr. Francis' J. Miner Clayton, Mo. 

Mrs. Francis J. Miner Clayton, Mo. 

Mr. James E. Mitchell Pittsburgh, Pa. 

Mr. Robert G. Morrison Pittsburgh, Pa. 

Mr. Charles Minshall Terre Haute, Ind. 

Mrs. Charles Minshall Terre Haute, Ind. 

Mr. Robert Morton Detroit, Mich. 

Mr. D. Mugdan San Francisco, Cal. 

Mrs. D. Mugdan San Francisco, Cal. 

Mr. William H. Morris Philadelphia, Pa. 

Mrs. William H. Morris Philadelphia, Pa. 

Mr. Francis B. Morris Philadelphia, Pa. 

Herr Erhard Mauthe Buenos Aires, Argentina 

Mr. George L. Miller Pawtucket, R. I. 

Mrs. George L. Miller Pawtucket, R. I. 

Miss Elizabeth Miller Pawtucket, R. L 

Miss Julia L. Mauran Hope, R. L 

Mr. Arthur McNamara North Platte, Neb. 

Mrs. Arthur McNamara North Platte, Neb. 

Mr. John S. Mclntire Dayton, O. 

Mr. Augustus Meyers New York, N. Y. 

Mrs. Augustus Meyers New York, N. Y. 

Miss Bessie M. Meyers New York, N. Y. 

Mr. George M. Meyers Kansas City, Mo. 

Mrs. George M. Meyers Kansas City, Mo. 

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Miss Helen Meyers Kansas City, Mo. 

Mr. James Mullins Plymouth, Mass. 

Miss Hester L. McEldowney Pittsburg, Pa. 

Mr. George Maier Terre Haute, Ind. 

Mrs. George Maier Terre Haute, Ind. 

Mrs. F. S. Mason New York, N. Y. 

Mr. L. B. Martin Sioux City, Iowa 

Mrs. L. B. Martin Sioux City, Iowa 

Dr. P. C. Mockett Kimball, Neb. 

Miss Helen Mosher Washington, D. C. 

Miss Aida B. Meyers Washington, D. C. 

Mrs. A. Mendelson San Francisco, Cal. 

Miss Stella Mendelson San Francisco, Cal. 

Miss Hazel Mendelson San Francisco, Cal. 

Miss M. B. McE^?ven Oakland, Cal. 

Mr. M. Manterola Havana, Cuba 

Mr. Harry W. Morganthaler Cleveland, O. 

Mrs. Harry W. Morganthaler Cleveland, O. 

Mr. Ralph E. Morganthaler Cleveland, O. 

Mr. Clyde H. Morganthaler Cleveland, O. 

Mr. W. W. Meadows Fulton, Ky. 

Miss Bell Morris Chicago, 111. 

Mr. A. Morgenstern Oakland, Cal. 

Mr. Chas. S. Mereness Lowville, N. Y. 

Mrs. Chas. S. Mereness Lowville, N. Y. 

Mr. Perry Matthews Escanaba, Mich. 

Mrs. Perry Matthews Escanaba, Mich. 

Master Irving Matthews Escanaba, Mich. 

Mr. Daniel V. Miller Terre Haute, Ind. 

Mrs. Daniel V. Miller Terre Haute, Ind. 

Mr. Sam. McCall Fulton, Ky. 

Mrs. Sam. McCall Fulton, Ky. 

Mr. Grant M. McDonald New York, N. Y. 

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Mrs. Grant M. McDonald New York, N. Y. 

Rev. G. L. Morrill Minneapolis, Minn. 

Mrs. G. L. Morrill Minneapolis, Minn. 

Mr. Lowell L. Morrill Minneapolis, Minn. 

Mr. J. William May Washington, D. C. 

Mrs. L. B. Newell Minneapolis, Minn. 

Miss Wilhelmina Neder Dayton, O. 

Mr. Edward Neder Dayton, O. 

Mr. J. J. Nagel San Rafael, Cal. 

Mr. F. S. Norman San Francisco, Cal. 

Miss Maria Nichols Detroit, Mich. 

Herr Albert Offenhauer Delitzch, Germany 

Mr. A. D. Owen Fresno, Cal. 

Mrs. A. D. Owen Fresno, Cal 

Mr. Charles S. Pillsbury Minneapolis, Minn. 

Mrs. Charles S. Pillsbury Minneapolis, Minn. 

Mr. Alfred Pearce Philadelphia, Pa. 

Mr. Richard Peters Philadelphia, Pa. 

Mrs. Richard Peters Philadelphia, Pa, 

Miss Edith Macausland Peters Philadelphia, Pa. 

Miss Hope Conyngham Peters Philadelphia, Pa. 

Mr. F. H. Pierce Albany, N. Y. 

Mrs. F. H. Pierce Albany, N. Y. 

Mr. Juan Antonio de la Paz Havana, Cuba 

Mr. John A. Pappmeier Litchfield, 111. 

Mrs. John A. Pappmeier Litchfield, 111. 

Mr. William A. Phillips Mount Carmel, Pa. 

Mrs. William A. Phillips Mount Carmel, Pa. 

Herr Fried. Polko Bitterfeld, Germany 

Mr. Walter L. Price Salt Lake City, Utah 

Mrs. Walter L. Price Salt Lake City, Utah 

Miss Ella Francelia Purdy Chicago, 111. 

Miss Frances Quinn Olean, N. Y. 

211 



Miss Edith Quinn Olean, N. Y. 

Mr. Edward Rodgers Alton, Pa. 

Mrs. Edward Rodgers Alton, Pa. 

Miss Ethel H. Rodgers Alton, Pa. 

Mr. E. W. Runyon Oakland, Cal. 

Mr. Frank A. Ruf St. Louis, Mo. 

Mrs. Frank A. Ruf .St. Louis, Mo. 

Mr. T. F. Reynolds New York, N. Y. 

Mrs. T. F. Reynolds New York, N. Y. 

Mrs. A. Graham Reed Philadelphia, Pa. 

Mr. Maximilian Rahr Manitowoc, Wis. 

Mrs. Maximilian Rahr Manitowoc, Wis. 

Miss Marie Rahr Manitowoc, Wis. 

Mr. H. P. Roth Honolulu, H. I. 

Mrs. Roth Honolulu, H. I. 

Rev. T. J. Ryan Detroit, Mich. 

Miss Sarah Ritter South Oil City, Pa. 

Herr Carl Rothschild Coin a. Rh., Germany 

Mr. E. F. Rogers Santa Barbara, Cal. 

Mrs. E. F. Rogers Santa Barbara, Cal. 

Miss Marion Rogers Santa Barbara, Cal. 

Mr. Augustus Reimer Philadelphia, Pa. 

Mr. Alonzo Ramsay Syracuse, N. Y. 

Miss Eleonor Rentz Omaha, Neb. 

Mr. Sol. E. Sheeline San Francisco, Cal. 

Mrs. Sol. E. Sheeline San Francisco, Cal. 

Master Sheeline San Francisco, Cal. 

Mr. C. E. Schmitt San Francisco, Cal. 

Mr. William B. Sheppard Philadelphia, Pa. 

Mr. Charles D. Shrady Allentown, Pa. 

Mrs. Charles D. Shrady Allentown, Pa. 

Mr. L. M. Sigler Cleveland, O. 

Mrs. L. M. Sigler Cleveland, O. 

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Mr. U. R. Sigler Cleveland, O. 

Mrs. U. R. Sigler Cleveland, O. 

Miss Marjory Sigler Cleveland, O. 

Mr. Sidney Spitzer Toledo, O. 

Mrs. Sidney Spitzer Toledo, O. 

Dr. O. A. K. Steele Chicago, 111. 

Mrs. D. A. K. Steele Chicago, 111. 

Mr. M. Sondheimer San Francisco, Cal. 

Miss Mary O. Schultz Terre Haute, Ind. 

Mr. J. Jeremiah Snyder Allentown, Pa. 

Mr. E. F. Stanton Troy, N. Y. 

Miss Frances A. Stiger New York, N. Y. 

Mr. Charles Sheldon Red Wing, Minn. 

Herr Oberleutenant Ernst von Shweinitz, Dresden, Germany 

Mr. John K. Seifert Chicago, 111. 

Mrs. John K. Seifert Chicago, 111. 

Herr Max Schreiber Reitendorf a. d. Tess, Germany 

Mrs. Emma Green Skinner Marietta, O. 

Miss Olga Storz Omaha, Neb. 

Miss Louise Storz Omaha, Neb. 

Mr. F. W. Schneck Detroit, Mich. 

Mrs. F. W. Schneck Detroit, Mich. 

Mr. Albert S. Smith Cincinnati, O. 

Mrs. Albert S. Smith Cincinnati, O. 

Mr. Chas. Stickel St. Louis, Mo. 

Mrs. Chas. Stickel St. Louis, Mo. 

Mr. L. McF. Scott New York, N. Y. 

Mrs. L. McF. Scott New York, N. Y. 

Miss Alnia Schenk New York, N. Y. 

Miss Irene Schenk New York, N. Y. 

Herr Dr. Martin Schottlaender Breslau, Germany 

Herr Gustav Sacher Vienna, Austria 

Fran Gustav Sacher Vienna, Austria 

213 



Miss Carrie Schwing New Orleans, La, 

Herr Prof, Dr, Joseph Schick Munich, Germany 

Mr. C. F. Smith San Diego, Cal. 

Mr. Frank Stoddard Lowville, N. Y. 

Mrs. Frank Stoddard Lowville, N. Y. 

Capt. Wm. Shillingsburg Camden, N J. 

Herr Paul Schurbel Berlin, Germany 

Frau Paul Schurbel Berlin, Germany 

Miss Mary Agnes Simons New York, N. Y. 

Mr. Chas. Sikora San Francisco, Cal. 

Herr Manfred Strohmeyer Konstanz, Germany 

Mrs. John Struven San Francisco, Cal. 

Herr Joseph Schwartz Coin a. Rh., Germany 

Frau Joseph Schwartz Coin a. Rh., Germany 

Mr. H. E. Sayers New Kensington, Pa. 

Mr. Harvey C. Smith Syracuse, N. Y. 

Mr. R. Sherrard Smith Winthrop, Mass. 

Mrs. R. Sherrard Smith Winthrop, Mass. 

Miss A. Frank Shumard Shelbyville, Tenn. 

Mr. G. W. Scovill Decatur, 111. 

Mrs. G. W. Scovill Decatur, 111. 

Mr. Walter W. Talley Terre Haute, Ind. 

Miss Nellie M. Talley Terre Haute, Ind. 

Herr H. Temme Hamburg, Germany 

Miss Harriett F. Terry New Haven, Conn. 

Rev. A. P. Ternes Detroit, Mich. 

Mr. James Emery Turnbull Nutley, N. Y. 

Mrs. James Emery Turnbull Nutley, N. Y. 

Mrs. Florence Foster Thompson Cherokee, Iowa 

Mr. Lee Taubman Ferndale, Cal. 

Mrs. Lee Taubman Ferndale, Cal. 

Mr. H. M. Taggart Wenona, 111. 

Mrs. H. M. Taggart Wenona, 111. 

214 



Mr. A. G. Tillotson Michigan City, Ind. 

Mrs. A. G. Tillotson Michigan City, Ind. 

Miss M. Antoinette Theiss Chicago, 111. 

Mr. J. Thalheim New York, N. Y. 

Frau Dr. Bertha Turkheim Hamburg, Germany 

Herr Hauptmann a. D. C. H. Thewalt, Wiesbaden, Germany 
und Diener. 

Sr. Ignacio Uranga Rosario, Argentina 

Sra. Ignacio Uranga Rosario, Argentina 

Sr. Carlos Uranga Rosario, Argentina 

Mr. A. I. Ufifenheimer Philadelphia, Pa. 

Mrs. A. I. Uffenheimer Philadelphia, Pa. 

Mr. T. K. Ullman Fairmont, Cal. 

Mrs. Arthur Van Siclen New York, N. Y. 

Herr Carl Vogt Iserlohn, Germany 

Mr. Peter C. Verga Camden, N. J. 

Mr. M. W. Van Sant Dayton, O. 

Miss Lillian Winston Minneapolis, Minn. 

Mr. Robert S. Wason Boston, Mass. 

Mrs. Robert S. Wason Boston, Mass. 

Mr. Marion Weis New Orleans, La. 

Mrs. Harold M. Wilcox New York, N. Y. 

Mr. Edward Wilder St. Louis, Mo. 

Mrs. Edward Wilder St. Louis, Mo. 

Mr. Walter Worman Dayton, O. 

Mr. Frederick E. Wallber Milwaukee, Wis. 

Mr. E. J. Woolverton Hamilton, Ont., Canada 

Mr. Chester M. Williams New York, N. Y. 

Mrs. Chester M. Williams New York, N. Y. 

Master Winthrop Williams New York, N. Y. 

Master C. Irving Williams New York, N. Y. 

Mrs. A. White Detroit, Mich. 

Miss Nora Walls Edinburgh, Scotland 

215 



Mr. Clayton T. Whipple Portland, Me. 

Mrs. Clayton T. Whipple Portland, Me. 

Mr. Elmer Williams Kansas City, Mo. 

Mrs. Elmer Williams Kansas City, Mo. 

Master Presley Williams Kansas City, Mo. 

Mr. Henry Ward Trenton, N. J. 

Miss Mary R. Wilcox Washington, D. C. 

Mr. C. B. Wolf Dayton, O. 

Mrs. C. B. Wolf Dayton, O. 

Mr. Owen R. Williams Chicago, 111. 

Mr. Porter B. Ward Syracuse, N. Y. 

Herr Adolf Wempe Oldenburg, i. Gr., Germany 

Mrs. Porter B. Ward Syracuse, N. Y. 

Miss Grace Ward Syracuse, N. Y. 

Miss Milly Ward Syracuse, N. Y. 

Miss Margaret Wells Johnston, N. Y. 

Miss Mabel Wombough Hornell, N. Y. 

Mr. Wesley Williams Philadelphia, Pa. 

Mrs. Wesley Williams Philadelphia, Pa. 

Herr H. Wylich Berlin, Germany 

Mrs. C. Whelan Washington, D. C. 

Mr. G. W. Whitcomb San Francisco, Cal. 

Mrs. G. W. W^hitcomb San Francisco, Cal. 

Miss Vyvian Whitcomb San Francisco, Cal. 

Mr. Charles L. Wood Chicago, 111. 

Miss Mildred Weil Chicago, 111. 

Mr. A. C. Wurmser Kansas City, Mo. 

Mrs. A. C. Wurmser Kansas City, Mo. 

Mr. O. J. Woodward Fresno, Cal. 

Mrs. O. J. Woodward Fresno, Cal. 

Mrs. Ida M. Zeile San Francisco, Cal. 

Mr. Iver C. Zarbell Chicago, 111. 

Mr. Ralph Zwicky Bingham Canyon, Utah 

216 



